08/25/2026
Domestic Violence
Are you in this situation? You do not need to live in fear. There are resources, that can assist you to get the help you need.
Should wives stay in abusive marriages to “reflect love and forgiveness,” or "you can leave but never remarry", today’s focus is on how to spot a "Christian abuser". While women can fall into this category, abuse in marriage is overwhelmingly male-initiated, so that's my focus today.
Abusive “Christian” men live two lives: At home they act like the devils they are while in public they're heavily involved in church, are super friendly, humble, known as spiritually mature, they teach, preach, know how to pray, and they serve others without hesitation. Their public image is what protects their private life so that they can continue being the wolves they are behind closed doors.
There are very clear markers of an abusive husband that every wife, congregation member, pastor and leader should be aware of:
a) The first is s*xual immorality. Abusive husbands are often p**n addicts as well as adulterers. They often frame their “struggle” by blaming their wives for not “having s*x enough”, not being attractive anymore, not being submissive... you name it and they have a “reason” why they’re hooked on p**n or why they hooked up with a co-worker or old flame. They’ll often tell their wives that they’re “defrauding the marriage” by not submitting to demands of s*x. In public, however, they’ll hold your hand, introduce you as their wife and even have you join him in praying for others “with him” so the perception is that you’re both spiritually aligned as a godly couple.
b) Christian men who abuse their wives also do so in the financial aspect of their marriage. They’ll restrict your access to money, demand to know how much you spent, where you spent it and why you spent it... whether you’re the one who brought the paycheque in or not.... and it’s usually the wife who’s doing the “bringing in” as their so-called “Christian” husband is a lazy, do-nothing bum. They’ll use their “headship as husband” to control every decision made about finances. They have no problem splurging on themselves but when it comes to you? Nope; you should be content with what you have while they feed their material lusts at the expense of bills, debts and treating their families.
c) And then we have verbal and emotional abuse. Christian men who abuse their wives will often call them “Jezebel”, shame them for dyeing their hair, doing their nails or wanting to look pretty.... all normal things for a woman to do. The abuser will make sure you know that you’re “not a godly wife”. There’s constant criticism about your looks, your clothing, your makeup, your hair... you name it; they’ll make sure that you know that “you’re not a proverbs 31 wife”. Christian men who abuse their wives use a steady and a constant stream of put downs, shaming and cussing their wives out for anything that they can find to be “unholy”, threatening to leave with statements like, “I wish we were divorced” or “I’m going to leave you if you don’t repent”.
d) The most damaging thing an abuser does is he uses the Word of God out of it’s context to control, manipulate and silence his wife. They’ll quote that a wife is to submit but they’ll leave out that husbands are called to love their wives AS CHRIST loves His church, not to be harsh with her and not to lord it over others. If you disagree with him, you’re called “rebellious” and told that you’re “not submitting to his authority”. What an abusive husband will never tell you is that Biblical submission is never a license for cruelty.
If this describes your home, you're being abused. A p**n addict who labels you Jezebel, threatens divorce, or screams at you is a wolf in sheep’s clothing... not a Christian. These same men, the very ones who constantly threaten leaving you, often promote the teaching that God hates divorce even in abuse and that remarriage is always sin. In public the abusive husband is consistently happy, generous, and encouraging to others; he invests time, money, and loyalty in the church and in church members to gain influence.
Preemptively he asks people to “pray for my wife; she’s struggling spiritually” or claims his wife is rebellious or backslidden, assassinating her character in advance. When exposed, he “repents,” cries, seeks an accountability partner, and blame-shifts ("I fell into p**n because she doesn't have s*x with me anymore", etc). Because of his carefully crafted public reputation, leaders often side with him. He then returns home apologetic, quotes Matthew 18 to shut his wife up, calling it "gossip", seems to change for a short while... before it's back to the same old snake he's always been.
Forgiveness and mercy matter, but the most merciful thing you can do for yourself is to pack a bag and escape; not only from your husband but the church, it's members and it's leadership as well. Any church community that doesn't immediately protect victims isn't a church; it's a place where abusive men thrive. Safety and truth come before reconciliation and so-called "submission".
Pastors and leaders: If a woman in your church comes to you for help, take her words seriously and take ACTION on her behalf. Don't minimize, offer "couples counseling", or push the "let's pray about this" line in clear cases of abuse. Get her out of the house and into safety. Full stop.
Psalm 82:1-4: “God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment: ‘How long will you judge unjustly and show partiality to the wicked? Selah. Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.’”
