06/09/2026
🚨 ABBOT’S WOOD pARKRUN – THE GREAT TOKEN PURGE: HEADS ROLL AT THE FINISH FUNNEL 🚨
They’ve gone. Sacked. Dismissed. Their passes revoked and their desks cleared.
Following yesterday’s latest finish-funnel debacle, several key members of the Abbot’s Wood parkrun Finish Token Department (AWpFTD) have been summarily relieved of their duties.
The charge?
Gross misconduct in the distribution of small numbered pieces of plastic and this is not a decision we have taken lightly .... Well ok, it is .. There was an incident. We needed someone to blame. Decisions had to be made.
Naturally, a full, fair and completely impartial investigation followed and what it uncovered was shocking...
THE TOKENS WERE IN THE CORRECT ORDER!! 😳
For once, the tokens had done absolutely nothing wrong.
This immediately ruled out our usual suspects: poor mathematics, bright sunshine, a comprehensive breakfast menu, the 3D-printed dispenser and Orlando, whose Token Sorter for Life status remains intact.
Which meant attention had to turn elsewhere.
And it is with considerable regret that we must place a proportion of the blame on...
YOU! THE RUNNERS!! 🫵
A small number of finishers appear to have overlooked one of parkrun’s simpler traditions - When you cross the finish line and enter the finish funnel, please take a finish token at the end.
Even if you don't have your barcode.
Even if you don't want a result.
Even if you're absolutely certain that declining one tiny piece of plastic couldn't possibly cause chaos behind you.
PLEASE. TAKE. A. TOKEN!!!
When someone doesn't, the beautifully constructed relationship between stopwatch positions, finishers and little plastic numbers begins to unravel.
And we really don't need any help making finish tokens more complicated. We have demonstrated repeatedly that we are perfectly capable of doing that ourselves.
📱 THE NUMBER CHECKER – OUR FOOLPROOF BACKUP PLAN
Fortunately, we had safeguards.
Our Volunteer Coordinator, Hannah, had taken on the esteemed role of Number Checker and could be seen furiously recording finishers’ times, positions and names throughout the event.
This was excellent news! Should anything go wrong, we had an independent record against which the results could be checked.
And something DID go wrong.
So, at the crucial moment, we simply needed to consult this carefully collected information.
The Volunteer Coordinator confidently reached for the data.... and deleted the lot ... All of it ... At precisely the moment it became useful.
This represents an exciting new development in our finish-token saga: creating an excellent backup system and then destroying the backup during the emergency it was specifically designed for.
The subsequent HR investigation was brief.
The Volunteer Coordinator has now been sacked from a role they weren't technically employed to do, while retaining their position as Volunteer Coordinator because we need somebody to recruit replacements for everyone else we've sacked.
🐾 SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY WERE HELPFUL
Fortunately, while our own Finish Token Department descended into yet another governance crisis, we were joined by the wonderful team from Raystede Centre For Animal Welfare who came along to support our event and showcase the fantastic work they do for animals in our local community. 💙🐾
A huge thank you to them for joining us and for their support.
For clarity, no Raystede animals were implicated in the token incident, none have been dismissed, and at the time of publication we have no evidence that any of them refused to take a finish token.
Their conduct was exemplary throughout.
⚖️ ACCOUNTABILITY
Clearly, after several weeks of finish-token incidents, questions will inevitably be asked about whether the Event Director should finally accept some responsibility.
Following a thorough, transparent and completely independent investigation conducted by the Event Director into the performance of the Event Director, we can confirm:
Absolutely not.
The tokens were in order.
The dispenser worked.
Orlando had done his job.
The Event Director therefore considers himself fully exonerated and frankly a victim in all of this.
*No conflict of interest was identified by the Event Director.
📋 CORRECTIVE ACTIONS
Following yesterday's events:
🎟️ Runners are reminded to TAKE A TOKEN when they finish.
📱 Number Checkers are reminded that retaining the numbers they have checked is considered desirable.
🗑️ The Volunteer Coordinator is to receive enhanced training in the difference between SAVE and DELETE.
🏅 Orlando remains Token Sorter for Life.
🐾 Raystede remains the only organisation involved yesterday to emerge from this investigation with its professional reputation completely intact.
👔 Several members of the Finish Token Department have been summarily dismissed.
😇 And the Event Director remains, following his own exhaustive investigation, entirely blameless.
We therefore consider the matter closed.
Again.
Until next Saturday.
When we look forward to discovering an entirely new and innovative way of making the simple process of handing out numbered pieces of plastic far more complicated than anyone ever thought possible. 💚💛
Abbot’s Wood parkrun
Department of Finish Token Distribution, Data Destruction, Summary Dismissals & Event Director Exoneration
