04/11/2026
The reality of being left behind
I’m often out with Breaker Breaker chatting to people telling them how important it is to talk and open up about life .
I wanted to take a moment and share my story so far and my experiences. It’s long
People often look at me and say you’re so strong look at everything you’ve been able to do with everything you’ve been through. But what most don’t see is the pain I carry every day , the silent tears that fall and the heaviness in my heart that will never heal. The pain i see when my kids are having it hard and the shear despair I feel.The “should’ve would’ve could’ve “days are still there , not too sure they will ever leave
I had an amazing team of family and friends around me when David passed , they held the pieces together when I couldn’t and for that I will always be very grateful to them. With grief comes change I’m a totally different person now and see the world so very differently. I now have learnt through heartache and pain to go by what you show me not by what you say ,this is for protection for me and my girls.
I’ve gained people in my life and lost people,this is also part of grief.May it be they don’t like the new version of me or that they were fed up with my grief.
Of late I’ve been thinking of the path I choose in the depths of despair my girls, as most of you know I’ve an addictive personality it’s all or nothing. I could’ve taken a really different path . I wouldn’t even want to imagine where I’d be if I did. But being present for my girls was all I could think of and as I’ve walked in their shoes and the other path was never gonna be their future .
The anxiety is something else, for a very long time I couldn’t drive out of my town , I’ve seen the days of running my daughter to work having an anxiety attack and having to throw water over myself just to get her there and it taking me over an hour to do a 15 min drive home.I have my coping mechanisms in place thanks to my sister and counselling.
Will I or my life ever be the same , short answer NO
I’m now a single parent having to do all the parenting solo, no one to sound out to about the situations , breakfast, pack lunch , dinners, school runs , after school runs .
All the cleaning , cooking , washing , gardening, doing the bins (something I never even thought of before) poo picking (dogs) etc etc myself
Also having to hold down a job to keep the roof over our heads, food on the table and the lights still on .As some of you know David had hands for all DIY but this has now also been left to me , I’ve learnt to plumb(hate it me hands are too big) plaster boarding, decking ,floor joists , bathroom refit and I hate it all . But I don’t have a choice now.
Not all insurances pay out, not everyone is left with a nest egg
Standing in work with the most amazing client and having to leave because my mind is spiralling and I can breathe, yes nearly 8 years on and it happened last week.
Have I done counselling YES did it help YES was the 1st phone call the hardest part YES , but after that I couldn’t wait to my next session
You may look at me and see me happy laughing and having a good time, YES all of that is true, but until you have had the loss ( I hope that never comes ) it’s very hard to understand .
David never knew the lives he touched , the amount of people from family to friends to acquaintances that nearly 8 years later still struggle with his passing and now are also having to live a very difficult life without him
Please if you’re struggling talk to someone you know or reach out for help. If you don’t know where to go give me a PM or call and I will do my very best to help (some would say I’m in the know )
Love Leanne
