Coronavirus Refugee

04/03/2020

Vulnerability in a Time of Tremendous Uncertainty

You are living in times of tremendous uncertainty. I am too. We all are at this moment. Perhaps we have not seen this much ambiguity regarding tomorrow since the Cold War ended. A time when none of…

04/02/2020

Vulnerability and Uncertainty

We are living in times of tremendous uncertainty. We have not seen this much ambiguity regarding tomorrow since the Cold War ended. A time when none of us knew if nuclear annihilation was just thirty minutes away. Of course, to remember those fears and darkness, you need to be nearly into your fifties. For many today, perhaps for all of us, now is a never experienced or seen level of uncertainty. We have never been more vulnerable on nearly every level.

We are programmed, I believe, to want to project everything is excellent and beautiful. It is something we do as parents for our kids. We fix things. When they are little and fall, we magically blow on the bobo to make it better. As they get older, we attempt to mend broken hearts or provide them with security when they need it.

Yet, sometimes, we have moments or circumstances beyond our control we can't fix. It is why studies suggest social media can make you depressed when you see how "perfect" the lives of others appear. Our natural response is to try and make ours look better than reality too. The never-ending cycle of fixing and making others see our certainty and immunity. However, when confronted with mass uncertainty, as we have at this moment, all we can do is try and project we are great, that all is fine. Or we can be honest by admitting we feel uncertain that each of us is vulnerable.

Today people are managing working from home while educating their kids, all while keeping other balls of life up in the air. Other less fortunate ones, more every day, are losing their jobs, closing their businesses, many wondering how to pay their bill. Those who haven't are worrying they might be next. Finally, we have so many now in hospitals struggling to stay alive. Every day more and more are perishing, leaving the one who loves them behind. Will you be one of them? Will I be one of them? Each of us, dealing with randomness beyond our control. Each uncertain and vulnerable, whether showing it to the world or not.

By default admitting uncertainty and vulnerability is challenging. It is incredibly tough. Saying to others, we are unsure what will come is inherently fragile. Being scared of what tomorrow might bring creates anxiety. Asking for help is hard. We all fear the answer we might get in asking for help from those we know, and even from those we love.

Yet in truth, being vulnerable that you are scared, hurt, lonely, in pain, or worried is the antidote to the uncertainty we all face. Within your admission, that you are feeling anxieties, comes the opportunity for others to help. For you to understand, the certainty in life is the better nature of humankind. The desire to try and help others in need. That your fellow travelers will be sympathetic to you because there are so many who feel the same uncertainties. That we can all be certain the vulnerabilities we are facing are the same, so many others are as well.

None of us knows if we will contract Coronavirus, lose our jobs or businesses, lose a loved one, or even lose our lives. We can tell ourselves it won't happen to us, but we understand we don't know deep in our souls. This uncertainty leaves us with a simple choice. We can admit to others how we feel. That we are vulnerable and the emotions and anxieties it leads us to feel. Or, on the other hand, we can hold it within ourselves while trying to project all is good. But in doing so, we are trapping ourselves in our inner dilemma. One that comes with the destructive emotions it creates for each of us, for all of us. The ones leading some to chose to give in to the worst of human nature.

It is critical to remember, right now, as you read this, someone is walking into a hospital trying to save someone who is suffering from COVID-19. Another is rushing to get someone who is sick, who could make them or their families infected, potentially fatally so. They, too, are uncertain and scared. They are incredibly vulnerable and exposed. They also are feeling emotions caused by the unknown. If asked, each of us would do whatever we could to help them? I am confident the answer would be, "of course." That this would be your answer because you understand, each of them is vulnerable while walking into danger and uncertainty for their fellow man. That these strangers you would most certainly help are doing so to help those who are most likely strangers they have never met.

Like each of them, we are all facing uncertainty and are vulnerable. As each of those walking into hospitals and on the front lines do, we can choose to confront and defeat insecurity through being vulnerable enough to admit we are unsure. Being vulnerable requires us to trust in the best of others and humanity. Yet, in doing so, we confront uncertainty with the certainty we see each day in the unselfish actions of others and ourselves. The choice to share vulnerable, in the face of the uncertainty we all face, is the one way we can find the certainty we each desire at this moment, and it is what we all need to preserve together.

03/31/2020

Searching for Hope

Her life was never lived. My daughter Vilte, which means hope in Lithuanian, was stillborn at thirty-seven weeks. She would have been, and is, our first child and grandchild for both sets of grandparents. In truth, she is still the first for all of us, even though there is a lifetime of memories we never got to live together.

The current times, the deaths of loved ones to a virus, and immense challenges of the never-seen shutdown across the world through quarantining have led me to think about Vilte. She has never been far from my thoughts even more than a decade later. Her life exists only in the dreams of those who loved her without ever knowing her. They're held in our dreams and our hearts. I suppose these dreams are an attempt by the mind to find meaning in her existence and the loss of her life she didn't get to live.

When we got the news that Vilte would be stillborn, I was demolished. I had gone from the highest peak in life of becoming a father for the first time, to the hell of wading through the tremendous pains and suffering of losing a child. The one question I kept asking myself -- that all those others who called to express condolences asked --was "Why?"

"Why" when we encounter things we can't control is a universal question. It is merely a part of the human condition to ask the question "Why" when bad things happen. Today, in particular, there are hundreds of thousands of people asking, "why?"

Why have I lost my job?
Why is the world so out of my control?
Why is the most critical person in the world to me sick?
Why did I lose the one I love to this virus?

When we lost Vilte like I am sure many are feeling today who have lost loved ones, I was angry, in pain, and all I wanted to know was, "Why?"

Just before we were to deliver our lifeless little girl, a friend came to the hospital. She asked me to go for a walk. A few years earlier, just after she had gotten engaged, she had been on a trip with her finance, her best friend, and her best friend's husband. They had gone to Croatia to celebrate. On the way home, while driving late at night on the Autobahn, their car was struck from behind. She walked away without a scratch. The others all perished in a field just off of the superhighway.

As we sat on a lawn outside of the hospital, I kept asking her, "why?" Through sobbing fits of tears and incredible anger towards what the world had given me. I was searching for answers, completely broken, and lost. She, too, was crying. Then, as I said once again, mostly to myself, screamed, "Why?" Her crying stopped, and there was a gentle smile shining towards me. Taken back and now angry that she seemed not to understand, I looked at her with fury as she started to speak softly.

"I don't know the reason your little Vilte didn't live, but I have found you will discover something important," she said. "You need to realize there is no "why" beyond what you chose to create. It is yours to choose," her eyes now focused directly on mine. At the time, filled with sorrow and rage at the world, I didn't understand. "How can she say I get to chose the why of the death of my baby girl?" I thought to myself. "What the does she know about the hell I am living through, my baby girl is gone," my inner voiced raged. A month after the accident had occurred, she discovered she was pregnant less than twelve hours before her life took its unexpected turn.

About a week later, I received an email from a friend of mine. He had checked in to ask how we were doing. In writing to him, I told him I was struggling so badly with understanding "why."

Why had God done this to me?
Why did my little girl die?
Why would I never hold her hand and feel it squeeze mine?
Why would I miss the moments I had dreamed of with her long before she even existed?

He responded by telling me a story I didn't know. His brother, who was a year younger than he was, had died of cancer when my friend was eleven. "I have found why, from my experience of asking for years, is a waste of time. There is no why there is what is." At the time, I didn't understand. Perhaps I didn't want to understand or couldn't through the pain of the moment.

Today there are so many of us asking, "Why?" From my experiences in those darkest days of my life, I have found my friends were right. After a decade of searching for Hope, I have learned there is no "why" for the losses we see today. If we spend our time searching for the answers to "why" we are wasting our time. "Why" is just a trap of the mind from which there is no escape.

What I have discovered, through my journey of searching for hope, is "why" is ours to use and create. It is just as my friends had told me long before. "Why" is the lessons we see from within ourselves in how we respond to those most challenging moments of our existence. That as each of us goes through this unprecedented time, losing ones we know, care about, or even love, there will be no "why" even if we want the answer. That ultimately, in this crisis, we all face together or in the ones we will face as individuals long beyond the now, "Why" is what we take, make, and learn from the experience. It is how we use it to either destroy ourselves or create a better version of each of us and the world in which we live.

Ultimately, each of us has a choice when it comes to "Why" when terrible things happen. On the one hand, we can search for "why" and discover answers that will never be found. A process thereby leaving us in a neverending cycle of waiting for something which doesn't exist. Or, on the other hand, we can choose to create a "Why" making us better, more appreciative people, who value our own lives, those of the ones we love, the ones we know, and those of our fellow man.

Ultimately, I hope each of you (and I) will remember this in the uncertain and tragic days to come. There is no "Why," to be found. There is only what we take from the experience for better or worse. Choosing our "Why" is what I have found to be the meaning of searching for Hope. It is hope, in times like those we face today and in the future, is ultimately the best we can do.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Obviously, what I have written is profoundly personal, vulnerable, and hard. But in truth, if this helps just one of you in this challenging time, I know my little Vilte's unlived life will have touched someone for the better. In that, and her life, I will once again have found why within my search for hope. If you think this has the potential to help others, you know, I hope you will share it with your friends. Stay safe, and never stop searching for hope! Warmest regards Trygve (aka the Coronavirus Refugee).

03/29/2020

Many are alone. I, too, am lonely now.

Circumstances and choices have led me to this place. While I wish I could change the uncontrollable around me and my choices shaping these circumstances, I cannot. This reality is a cruel reminder of the experience of life.

With the benefit of hindsight, there are many choices I would do differently. If only I had known the outcomes before I made them. How I wish I could have known the unintended consequences, my choices would set off. Is it loneliness driving my regrets over those decisions, long ago, more immediately and in the immediate now? It is a question without an answer.

Getting out of your head when you are lonely is never easy. Today perhaps more so, when there is so much uncertainty in the world. Yet good or bad, calm, or distressed, each is solely the constructs of our minds we choose to create in our heads. The truth is most of the drivers of these constructs are events transpiring outside of each of us. Circumstances beyond the immediate moment we are personally living and processing, even if it is human nature to think they are within our control in the now.

That said, each of us has a responsibility for our actions and our words. It is sage advice to think before we speak. There is wisdom in the notion we should reflect before we act. Each of us is guilty of forgetting these truths from time to time. We overlook the impact of what we do. We forget to recognize what we say. That through words or actions, we may unintentionally hurt others -- even those we love -- more deeply, profoundly, and painfully than we will ever know or understand. Even in times when our words or deeds are causing harm are done with the best of intentions.

I am often guilty of this, perhaps more than others. It makes me wonder if these are the drivers of the loneliness I feel in this moment? The isolation which I have felt, if I am honest, for so many of my days. You would be unlikely to know I feel lonely just looking towards me from the outside. For all external purposes, I always chose to make it look good.

Yet deep inside, it is always there. The desire to appear perfect and happy is my role on the stage of life. Yet deep inside, I know it is a lie built to protect me from the vulnerabilities others would see in who I truly am. A life spent hiding shame I dislike within myself by living an attempt to appear as something else. An image of myself that is no different than the way we often try to construct ourselves in social media -- better than reality.

However, times like these, unprecedented or long forgotten times, of isolation expose such truths. They unearth the imperfections inside each of us and our world we don't want or desire others to see. Individually and collectively. The imperfection caused by the suffering of those who are sick, some who are dying alone. The pain for those who are hurting, some from actions of our own. The hopeless feelings for ones with nowhere to go or the impression they have no one to rely on. Yet I wonder if this is good, bad, or nothing more than what it is for now?

There is a significant vulnerability in admitting these truths to the world. It is driven by the shame of having to say you are imperfect. Perhaps it is found only through the upending of the normalcy we no longer have. That in reality, you hurt, you cry, you worry, you are afraid, you are scared, and mostly you are less than how you want the world to see you. It is dishonesty to others when you know -- and they will understand -- the real realities and answers of yourself. You see and recognize they are doing the same with you.

Circumstances in the world right now appear out of our control. In truth, most of the time it is invariably out of our control, even in more ordinary circumstances. Yet, the other side is how we see the world is entirely under our own power. Our perceptions and emotions we control. More importantly, we chose whether we will judge ourselves based on the emotions we feel. Yet we also need to realize we have a say in those of others -- to impact their feelings -- to the degree, we chose to touch, impact, or judge their lives, actions, and choices, for the better or, the worse.

Each of us is scared whether we show it on the inside or externally. All of us are hurting on some level whether the world can see it or it is hidden. Nearly all of us are worried, angry, exposed, vulnerable, and longing for connection at times. Each of these emotions neither right nor wrong, just existing within us. Therein lies the key to overcoming in such times of uncertainty. If we chose to judge ourselves and each other, we desire to be seen as perfection. On the other hand, if we are honest and vulnerable, we can endeavor to persevere as individuals and together.

It is this fact onto which I will persevere through my loneliness. The truth is I am only alone to the degree with which I endeavor myself to be alone in my mind or to let others be isolated. This is true for each of us, for all of us. These truths are what I must -- what we all must --remember today, tomorrow and far beyond this crisis. It is the lesson and truth we must each place in the deepest recesses of our souls to make life better for ourselves and for others. To endeavor to persevere each and every day for ourselves and our fellow humankind.

03/27/2020

Together Choices We are Making Are the Best of Humanity
Some Things You Can Do to Help Older Americans

We each have a choice, in these challenging moments, to be the best humankind has to offer or to give in to the worst. Since I posted my piece in which I made this point, it has been read and liked thousands of times. It wasn't my intention, but I feel called to continue sharing all the amazing best of people, I am receiving. I am a cynic about humanity by nature but I am starting to think I have been wrong.

One of the challenges many people have mentioned is those who need help with meals. Most of them, older Americas or the most vulnerable, rely on things like Meals on Wheels. These organizations are struggling in the new reality we are facing. As unemployment rises, their mission becomes even more and more critical. With cities on lockdown, some people need help desperately. The great news is people are choosing to rise to the occasion and help. Some people have self-organized in neighborhoods to take care of those who live by them. Others like the one which a person wrote to tell me about are done via churches and other organizations. One example comes from Illinois. Here is the story as she told it.

"Our church provides a food pantry for those in need. They have completely revamped their system to be able to continue to provide food for those who are in desperate circumstances right now. Two women go and shop at a food bank, taking all items to the church to be refrigerated, frozen, or stored. Then those women and 6-7 others meet early on Friday morning to pack all the boxes. They have one person who stands outside, takes names, and necessary info. Then someone on the other side puts up a "post-it" with how many boxes go into that vehicle. Once they get to the door, a volunteer carries the box out and puts it into the trunk. No one gets closer than 6 feet, protecting volunteers and recipients, and people have been thrilled the Pantry was able to stay open to serve them. Many of these women are over 60, putting themselves out there for the welfare of others."

From another reader, I received a message with an amazing idea we could all do for those living in nursing homes. Here is what they are doing. "A friend whose parents are in a nursing home is worried by the near-total isolation nursing home residents are experiencing; everyone confined to their rooms with no visitors permitted. She asked all her FB friends to take five minutes to send a card or note to "Any resident” at the nursing home — a small thing that brightens the day for those so terribly isolated. I would add that mail would be welcomed by any older person who lives alone."

Finally, I have received messages and comments from older people around the country who have been getting the opportunity to go in and shop early. In Florida, one person told me there store in a medium-sized town "makes sure the restock has been completed, so those most vulnerable have the first opportunity to get everything they need." In another rural, in North Carolina, the small store has started offering delivery for senior citizens. In my home town, where my eight-five-year-old mother lives, they have begun having special hours for senior citizens to go and shop. On that one, I am personally grateful.

There is far more good going on right now in our world than the bad of the virus. Today, we have far more compassion for our fellow Americans and humanity than we had two weeks ago. The road ahead will probably bring more challenges for all of us, but I am an optimist, in the end, we will not only beat this virus but will be better and kinder to each other (at least for a while) then we were before it.

03/26/2020

We Each Get to Choose Who We Will Be in This Crisis
Here are Five Kind Things You Can Do Now to Help

My latest Post On Medium -- Five Kind Things Each of Us Can Choose Today to Help. I hope you will all share this on your pages via twitter and if you are willing, even send the link to people via email.

Small acts of kindness can make a big difference not only for others but for ourselves! Be safe and keep healthy!

We each get to chose how we respond to the current crisis — it is up to each of us if we will be the best of humanity or part of its…

03/25/2020

Five Kind Things You Could Choose Right Now to Fight COVID-19

We each get to chose how we respond to the current crisis -- it is up to each of us if we will be the best of humanity or part of its darker side. I believe the best choices we can make are small ones, which add up to making a big difference for our fellow man in times of trouble. At Normandy, there were over 10,000 casualties among the first 24,000 Americans who landed on those shores. I keep thinking about them, and we all should because their lessons are essential.

Today, the enemy we are fighting, COVID-19, is taking lives around the world. It is attempting to break not only our bodies but our spirit. But like the first boys on that beach, we can take patches of sand through small steps showing the best of humankind to our fellow man. Here are five of them. They come from comments and thoughts of people who have been responding to posts I have been making my Facebook blog, Coronavirus Refugee.

1) If you are out and see medical personal in a store, send them to the front of the line. They have far less time with family and are risking their lives for all of us. Just as in regular times the airlines let military personnel board first, we should let the men and women on the front lines of the battle against this virus go first. Moreover, if you have the means offer to pay it forward and buy their items. They don't want, if they have just gotten off a shift, to be entering their PIN into the machine and touching it. Even if that isn't a threat, they are careful of course. A nice touch of helping them out by putting your card in and paying is a great way to say thank you. It will also likely mean a great deal to them.

2) All around the country schools are closed. The Teachers, Administrators, and staff are scrambling to provide education in ways and with challenges they never expected to face. Take the time, right now, if you have kids, to send their teachers an email to say thank you. Tell them you understand it isn't easy and if you can be helpful to them offer to be so. If things are a little bumpy for your child, take a deep breath, and remind yourself we are all in this together before getting angry. Each of us, in our ways, are trying as best we can to deal with COVID-19's unexpected and we can only defeat it together with kindness.

3) Around the country, particularly in small towns, people are self-organizing to order food from their favorite local establishments. Perhaps it costs a little more than cooking for yourself, but if you can order from these places tonight or tomorrow, support them when they are hurting terribly. When all this is over and they are still able to be in business, you will be happy you did. If you have the ability, and it isn't being done in your community already, put together a page so people can keep each other informed of which ones need help.

4) If you have neighbors who are older or at higher risk, find out how to call them to check-in. Figure out how to self organize among your other neighbors how to get them food or supplies if they need them. If you have to run to the store, take the time to see if they have anything they require that you can pick up. In some places, the services these people rely on aren't working at the moment or still trying to organize themselves. Each of us can pick up some slack, and few things in the world feel as enjoyable or as rewarding as helping others.

5) Finally, since you are on Facebook, take a look at all your friends right now. Review the list. Somewhere on that list is someone you haven't spoken with in a long time. Perhaps it is someone who impacted your life but they don't know it. Maybe it is someone you had a falling out with long ago, and you wish you hadn't. Perhaps it is just someone you lost contact with a long time ago and haven't had time to speak to them. Reach out. If you have their phone number, call them. If you don't, right now, send them an instant message to ask for their number. If you need to, tell them you are sorry or that they made a difference and you have something to say to them. I can tell you from personal experience you will get far more in return from doing this than you will risk in making the efforts.

So there are five things each of us can do right now to make the world a better place. While traveling around (I have now stopped), I saw the best and worst of humanity around me. There was far more good than bad, but each of us can do better. Now, I am going to call and order some food from a local restaurant in the town where I know no one and am stuck. Then I will call an old friend from a decade ago to tell him I am sorry it has been so long since we have spoken. Good luck, and I hope you will share this with your friends if it resonates. Most importantly -- keep safe, be kind, and stay healthy.

03/25/2020

What to Do in This Crisis?
How About Random Acts of Kindness to Strangers!

We Each Get to Choose Who We Will Be in this Crisis. That was the title of my post yesterday. I wasn't expecting the overwhelming response my post would generate. In the course of responding to many who reached out, I heard numerous accounts of both the best and worst of humanity. I decided to share a few of the best with you and one act of kindness provided to me. Perhaps they might inspire you or others too. Each example of opportunities for how we can be our very best at this moment. How we can conquer this crisis together.

The first comes from an old friend of mine in the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St Paul. He works for 3M, as my dad did for nearly forty years. They are all hands on deck right now, producing ventilators and masks for the medical personal on the front lines. My friend is exhausted. He is working from home but occasionally needs to head into the office given what he does and the company's essential products for the medical personnel. On the way home from the office, he stopped at Target to get some items for his family.

Standing in front of him in the self-checkout was a nurse. She was in her work clothes. Just having gotten off a long shift, she was telling others to give her additional than social distancing space to be safe. When she approached the scanner, he could see she was unsure of what to do. She didn't want to touch anything out of concern she might have been exposed to the virus while working with patients.

She reached down thoughtfully and took a bag to use as a makeshift glove. Then she moved to the next scanner. Carefully she utilized the plastic bag on her hand to run her various items, mostly groceries, across the machine while placing them in a bag on the other side. When finished, she looked at the device to take her debit card in horror. My friend, seeing this, told her to go, he would buy her items. Relieved, she told him, "You don't have to pay." His response, "You have done enough for all of us today, just go, and thank you!"

His story got me thinking. I often fly for my work in regular times. The airlines, to their credit, let our military personnel board first. All of us, if we have to go out, who see medical personnel should give them the same courtesy. Let them go ahead of you in line. Their time off from work is more valuable than yours, no matter what you do right now. Their families are seeing less of them than you are of yours and they aren't working from home.

Also, remember after 9/11 how many business-class travelers would offer their seats to those in uniform. They would never take the seats no matter how hard you tried, but many offered them. Today, if you have the means, you should do the same for those nurses, physicians' assistants, doctors, and others working in our hospitals and clinics like my friend did tonight. Just as you should order as often as you can from your favorite local restaurant to help keep them in business. It's the least we can do for those on the frontlines, those risking their lives to protect us or those at risk of losing their livelihoods.

Another story I was told was from a person I have never met. She reached out after reading yesterday's post. She told me of the people in her neighborhood and what they are doing. They are all on near-complete lockdown in her state and city. There are two sets of older people and a single woman with cancer who live in their area. They are the most vulnerable of our society during this crisis to COVID-19. Each night, the neighborhood is self-organizing, to bring them meals to supplement for programs that would typically help them but which aren't able to operate at the moment. They also have people getting items they need from the store. To be safe, they leave the meals and items on the doorsteps, calling them to let them know they have arrived. Some are making meals for them. Others are ordering them meals from restaurants in the medium-sized town to help the businesses as well. A double act of kindness in times of trouble if you will.

In my case, I am grateful for the hotel where I have now been holding up. On some nights, I am the only guest staying here. On different nights there are perhaps one or two other guests, total. Yet when I went to the desk to talk with the owner about extending my time, wondering how he is possibly making any money and expecting to be kicked out, he said, "You are welcome here as long as you want to stay, we will stay open just for you if we have to." After this is over, I intend to recommend this place to all of you. Moreover, I will write for them the most fantastic Trip Advisor review they have ever had—"the shores of Lake Superior at this hotel come with astounding views and even more astonishing people who own this place."

I hope each of you will find a way to be the best of humanity. We are all in this together. Asking "why" we are here is something I have learned to be a waste of time—more on that in the coming days. If you enjoyed the post, I hope you will share it on your wall with others, follow my page, and if you have examples or ideas of the best of humanity, I hope you will leave them in the comments below or send me an instant message. I promise you, I will write about them too!