Lolia Eco Village

10/06/2025

Andrew Barnes first course ever in Hawaii. Next month in Maui. Great opportunity to be with a very experienced facilitator. I've known Andrew and taught with Andrew since 2011. Details on the flyer. Limited space.

10/07/2024

Dear Friends, I’m grateful to announce that I just transferred the title for my property at Lolia Place, Lolia Community aka Hawaii Eco Retreat. It’s been a very powerful journey over the last decade and I’m very grateful for all the wonderful people who have shown up to make it so special. For everyone that dared to dream, to reimagine life, love, community, sustainability and who showed up so authentically. The list of people who I am deeply grateful for include: Lorn Douglas, Carol Litt, Andreas Ziorjen, Darakshan, Ryan Nichols, and far too many others to list here. Ali Williams still owns Hawaii Eco Retreat and we continue to collaborate.

It has been quite an education for me. Maddening, humbling, deeply testing at times, the challenges of building a personal growth-centered residential off-grid community from the ground up has been a crucible that forced me to confront myself and my shadows and become the man I am now. It has also been a place of joy, peace, communion and opportunity for learning, growth and deep healing for myself and many others.

I’m also thrilled that the new owner is an inspiring visionary who I trust will steward the land and create a place that is also a center for growth, healing, and holistic education.

L.R. Fox, who goes by Fox, is a tech entrepreneur and dedicated to serving the needs of children. Fox’s family is from Hawaii on the Kona side. The property will become The Oasis Academy where gifted children from around the world will come to learn and live. For more details see https://next.foundation/. Feel free to reach out to them to introduce yourself or send any questions to [email protected].

I am still invested in the Lolia Place Neighborhood and am loving the growing community of families and neighbors here. I will have time now for deep meditation, travel, writing and enjoying the blessed lands of Puna and Hawaii. A hui ho!

07/28/2024

“Why are you acting like such an asshole?”

After getting distance from cults and several years of quality licensed mental healthcare, I began to trace the origin of thought and behavior in myself that was destructive of relationships with others.

In the personal growth and development culture, there is a large emphasis placed on empowerment and moving beyond the opinions of others. Particularly in the neo-tantra and s*x-positive subcultures, emphasis is often placed in encouraging people to follow their desire and ignoring the judgments of others.

Women’s liberation, Gay Liberation, Black Liberation and other liberation movements all focused on liberating the minds of people who were subjected and dominated by an oppressor class. An oppressor class that uses guilt, shame and fear to control.

To become empowered, it is crucial that individuals reclaim their inherent right to have their own thoughts and actions that are protected from the dominant culture. To gain support and protection, people cluster in subcultures where they feel safer from the dominant culture. This is healthy and normal.

Of course, sometimes pathological leaders emerge in these subcultures which become cult leaders. They convince their followers that their liberation is intrinsically tied to that of the group or cult. In this way, surrender to the cult leader is a means of trying to obtain personal liberation. Those who are not strong enough to become liberated as an individual join with the cult leader and their followers in an attempt to support their liberation and empowerment.

Thus the need for freedom, individuation and empowerment gets subsumed by the megalomaniac dictates of the cult leader. Before they know it, the cult followers have become entrapped in a system which mirrors the oppression they were trying to overcome.

Instead of doing their own inner work, reflecting on their family origin, wounding, psychological challenges and such, the focus became one of surrendering one’s mind and behavior to the dictates of the cult leader. Especially insidious, are cults that appear free and liberated such as those that preach polyamory and free s*xuality.

Outwardly seeming very free and liberated, the price paid to belong to such groups is the surrender of their conscience and independent thinking. Fear of being cast out alone into the society that damaged them in the first place, without a family or community may be enough to keep followers trapped in these cults for life. This may be why when presented with clear evidence of wrongdoing of the cult leader, followers in cognitive dissonance choose the cult and cult leader over facts.

But what of the behavior exhibited in such cults? Why do cult followers act in such harmful ways to each other? Do they subconsciously pick up and enact the type of abuse they experienced from the Cult Leader?

A sleight of hand transforming empowerment into narcissistic self-indulgence occurs without perception. Encouragement is given to “not give a f**k” and claim power by insulating oneself from negative feedback.

What happens when someone disregards all feedback from others as projection and ascribing their judgment to their psychological wounding without considering their own?

In a healthy society and in a healthy sub-culture, people have the opportunity to engage freely with each other and to share their experiences and perceptions without fear of retribution.

Due to wounding from family of origin, religion, workplace hierarchy, some people do not have an experience of a social network that is nurturing, non-hierarchical and supportive of self-reflection and personal growth.

The yearning people have for healing and growth is corralled by master manipulators who give but do not receive feedback. The manipulators in charge tell others what they need for healing, growth and freedom but do not reveal their own vulnerabilities.

I was one of those seekers who sought freedom, community and empowerment. My particular belief, biases and wounding made me a ripe mark for groups like One Taste, ISTA, Agama and others. I disparaged mainstream culture. I felt cast out as the black sheep from my family of origin. I distrusted church and organized religion. I identified with being oppressed by capitalism.

I knew what I was against but only had fuzzy ideas of what I was for. Additionally, I grew up in a family with an abusive and emotionally incestuous mother and an emotionally distant father. I yearned for community but did not have the skills for non-hierarchical relationships.

I was easy prey for those who preached freedom and empowerment but practiced selfishness and deception.

I took on the habits of a self-centered s*xuality. I bought into the ideology of following my desire and not taking on the judgments and shame of those I hurt. I defended myself and sought to turn the tables and make the others responsible for their choices while blocking their feedback.

If I had been truly empowered and relating from a stable place within myself I would have been more curious about the experience of others. I would have cared more about how to relate in ways that felt good for others.

I was so protective of my newly found freedom and empowerment that I disregarded signs from others that I was being insensitive and hurtful.

These days when I see people, usually women, selling their s*xual empowerment coaching or courses I remember a time when such marketing would have stirred a longing within me. Now I see hucksters and manipulative marketing ploys that if purchased will likely lead one even further into the abyss of narcissistic abusive relationships.

I'm extremely grateful that I quit teaching and working with clients and passing on a self-centered approach to relationships, s*xuality and self improvement that may have caused unnecessary pain in clients lives and relationships. While I believe my intentions were good and I benefitted many students and clients, my work was polluted by the influence of corrupt teachers that I took on harmful habits from. Unfortunately, I had to acknowledge that the effect was not as I intended.

Years later, I see that it is possible to be free and empowered without needlessly hurting others through insensitive actions and words. It is possible to receive feedback without dismissal and defensiveness but with curiosity.

It is possible to have non-hierarchical relationships where everyone’s perspective and journey is valued and people desiring friends and lovers are not used to boost other’s income and fulfill another’s s*xual vacancy.

The lack of a code of ethics and the lack of any type of regulatory or even feedback system within the s*x positive personal growth world is extremely dangerous to unwitting participants.

Festivals are the feeding grounds of predatory practitioners. Naive and inexperienced people are seduced by music, s*xy outfits and bodies, while superficially attractive speakers who preach a dogma of liberation are secretly seducing the unsuspecting into their “teaching” pyramids.

I give thanks to those friends, families and therapists who stayed with me as I came to my senses and purged my systems of harmful belief and practices.

07/23/2024

https://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_edmondson_how_to_spot_a_cult?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR2jDfKhP3pt3Lb-WuW1J6xNqzxaf4QZCOqan1YLQ6Mf-2zna1ySvrOpH-Q_aem_w_opZ37F8NM3WzfDEf50fQ&subtitle=en

Nobody joins a cult on purpose, says Sarah Edmondson, a former member of the infamous Nxivm cult and one of the three whistleblowers that led to its downfall. She explains how she got ensnared in this highly manipulative group — and then escaped it — and shares red flags to help you distinguish ...

07/20/2024

What is the difference between a Cult and a Gang?

In my experience, while both cults and gangs utilize unethical and illegal means to generate power, money and s*x for their leaders and subject their followers/victims to abuse, the core difference is that gangs have little to no ideology while cults rely on a system of beliefs to imprison the minds of their followers/victims.

Gangs suck in new members who have been abused before and are willing to subject themselves to domination in return for a sense of belonging and the promise of power for themselves.

Cults also take in those who have experienced abuse but are more likely to find recruits in those who have some altruistic motive. Cults pretend to serve a noble purpose while committing crimes and violating their followers.

In both cases, followers/victims are likely to be estranged from civil society, mainstream culture, and often are suspicious of democratic norms and seek to create a separate society.

In the case of gangs, that separate society is one of pure power, violence and retribution against enemies whose only difference is to be part of different gang.

In cults, followers likely have an idealist vision of how the world could or should be. They are likely to have more formal education and are more likely to be drawn in by the promise of a more loving, caring world.

Unfortunately, while it may be easy to see the danger of gangs who provide no useful function to society, cults convince it’s members that illegal and unethical behavior serves a higher ideal.

For those who have already been wounded and see the hypocrisy in religion, corruption in government and experienced bullying from cliques, they may long to be part of a loving family that will sooth their childhood wounding.

The painful joke is that these cults will not heal family of origin wounding but make it worse in that they replicate transactional love. Love is granted only to those who allow their own subjugation and surrender to the egotistical demands of the cult leader.

Try as they might, their unfailing love and devotion to their Cult Family will only result in their disempowerment, confusion and adoption of manipulative tactics to win transactional love.

04/17/2024

Do you train facilitators? Are you interested in developing a residential program with eco-community living? Emphasis on facilitation of a wide range of personal growth modalities without manipulation or cult-like vibes. dm me for deets.

03/27/2024

Looking for a new team member who is good at marketing, sales and is trauma-informed. Compensation: private lodging, meal plan and commission. Community living experience a plus. DM me.

03/20/2024

"Energy and Ethics". In the neo-tantra world, it can seem impossible to have a conversation about nearly anything without using the word “energy.” S*xual energy. Energy between two people. Describing a feeling in reference to “strong energy.” Energy, like the word “feel” is broad and undefined enough to encapsulate nearly anything at all.

And in the world of s*xuality, power and consciousness, energy is everything. One’s personal power or mana, is an energy that must be tended to rigorously as it is what magnetizes all that one needs and wants. S*x, money, status, power all flow from having a deep store of personal energy.

How would an acknowledgment and an apology diminish one’s energy? Admitting an ethical lapse, unconscious behavior, or apologizing for prioritizing one’s own desires at the expense of another could be seen as coming from a place of strength in that one is affirming they are strong enough to admit they are wrong.

Or with insecure people who desperately attempt to puff up themselves to hide their shameful self-image, an apology is essential admitting defeat. All the air in the balloon comes whooshing out when such a person says they apologize for their behavior.

This is because their energy is not built upon true self-love and ethical relationships which serve the greater good, but unethical relationships that exist solely to prop us the pride-based identifications of the narcissistic sociopath. The sociopath does not seek a world of freedom, respect and mutuality so much as a world of subjugation and surrender. They can only feel good about themselves in comparison to another. Another whom they dominate.

What is Domination and what is Leadership? Domination is rooted in unethical behavior that allows for abuse of power while leadership acknowledges our commonality and seeks to support others with a willingness to adhere to ethical standards.

Insecure and unaware people are drawn to autocrats and dictators as they feel more powerful by aligning with someone who seemingly possesses what they do not: power.

However, this is just the illusion of power. The dictator rules by fear and by amassing power by creating the illusion that they have enormous personal power. In fact, their power is based on the exploitation of others who trade their power for certainty and security.

Surrender is the dictum of the tyrant. A man who does not lead through humility and by attempting to create more fairness and justice, but by coercive control, psychological manipulation and if necessary by violence.

In spiritual terms, surrender must happen for redemption to be possible. But in surrendering to another mortal, we endanger our soul. Rather than surrendering to a higher power that is ultimately unknowable, weak people surrender to someone who is skilled at manipulation.

The development of Christianity was a clear challenge to the mindset of the Roman Empire that might makes right. Instead, Jesus demonstrated that power flows not from domination but from ethical behavior because all people are inherently deserving of love and respect.

The abuses of power within institutional Christianity reflect not on Jesus’s failings, but the difficulty of overcoming limited, selfish thinking arising from trauma. To contemporary people who dismiss ethics along with morality based on superstitious and patriarchal thinking, be careful of what may arise without concern for ethics.

Without a striving for ethical behavior, humanity is unmoored and adrift on a sea of desires which ultimately lead to confusion and chaos. In our attempt to free ourselves from rigid morality which was used to exploit and subjugate people, we have lost our compass.

If we do not affirm the value of ethical behavior and the value of each person and their life, we risk allowing those without any care for others to become our masters. In their quest for freedom, power and pleasure, people will compromise themselves by aligning with those who care not about their fates but only care for how those people will serve their petty egos.

One mark of a good leader is their ability to follow without animosity or jealousy. A good follower is grateful for others who are willing to lead, secure in the knowledge that the leader is serving the followers and can be removed at any time if they become lost or confused in their own ego dramas.

Birds flying in formation rotate in and out of leadership to give rest to those who temporarily lead the formation. Static roles create disease and disharmony. Every child growing up should have the opportunity to practice leading and practice following. When it’s time for the leader to step back, reflect, heal and grow, may we gently but firmly lead them to a place where they can be nurtured and healed from the challenges without needing to topple them violently from the pedestal in the public square.

Without supporting the value of ethical behavior but instead elevating power above all, we diminish ourselves as human beings and become merely robots designed to enhance the pleasure of the master.

Ethics is not the same as morality. Moral codes are based on religious beliefs which are centered around pleasing an invisible all-powerful God. Ethics center people without regard to any religion or belief other than all people have value and must be treated with care and respect. People are not to be used, objectified and dominated but are to be valued in and of themselves without regard to any other purpose. Free people get to create their own meaning and purpose.

Securing freedom and safety that supports each individual's unique journey is a worthwhile pursuit. While not as shiny as some political or lifestyle campaigns, dedication to creating a place of freedom and safety is a noble calling. Non-dogmatic thinking, self-reflection, mutual humble sharing supports everyone to be a leader in their own life and to inspire others to take responsibility and accountability for their words and their actions.

03/05/2024

Where do cult leaders come from?

Where do cult leaders come from? How do mentally ill people assemble a community of true believers who surrender authority to the leader in spite of clear evidence of unethical behavior, abuse of power and mental illness?

What are the psychological traits of a leader abuser and of the follower victims? How do these psychological imbalances interact to create a dangerous cult?

At core level, a cult begins to form around an individual who believes themselves to be uniquely endowed with superior knowledge and or spiritual power. This individual usually ranks high in intelligence on an objective scale but low on empathy, low on integrating other points of view and extremely low on collaboration. The characteristics of Inspiration and manipulation are merely two sides of the same coin. The great inspirational leader has an equally great capacity to manipulate and lead their followers astray.

As the cult begins to form, anyone who challenges the leader is pushed out. The main organizing principle is fidelity to the leader and their ideas. This selects for people who do not think clearly but above all seek to belong to a group. There is a clear distinction between the leader and the followers: The followers seek belonging at expense of everything else, while the leader seeks subservience and surrender of their followers to themself.

The ideas, concepts and beliefs will change over time, even completely contradictory ones yet this serves a purpose as well. It w**ds out clear thinking people who recognize contradiction, illogical thinking and unethical behavior. This actually serves the leader whose main mission at first is to eliminate their competition. It’s not so much that the leader seeks affirmation of their ideas and actions but complete surrender to them as a leader.

This process results in loyal, obsequiousness and even violent allegiance being rewarded with status, privileges and power bestowed upon the most devoted followers. Of course, it tends over time to result in followers with less and less critical thinking skills and lower moral compasses. The cult leader engineers conflicts between followers to breed their capacity for predatory behavior, which is praised as empowerment and dedication.

Setting up tests or rites of passage that traumatize followers and reward their surrender with a false sense of community. A cult is not a true community of individuals which are drawn together by personal affection and alignment with a set of values or principles. Because the values and principles are fuzzy and changeable, no real community exists. The fundamental insecurity of each follower binds them to the cult leader and not each other. Over time, people with less and less autonomy and critical thinking rise to the top and enforce loyalty to the master.

Ritual slaughter of animals, ritual s*xual acts, removal of those who challenge authority with clear ethical stances, all these have the effect of chilling any challenge to the authority of the cult leader. Within a cult, no true feedback loop exists which ultimately condemns the cult to it’s eventual destruction.

When presented with clear evidence of wrongdoing by the cult leader and their core enforcers, followers have a choice: Surrender their minds and souls to the cult leader that they presume has more knowledge and spiritual power than themselves and continue to reside in the fuzzy warmth of false community, or call out the wrongdoing of the cult leader and experience banishment and the chill of solitude.

The cult leader creates the illusion of love, acceptance and family within their toxic mimic of intimacy. Without honesty, no real intimacy can exist. Those whose developmental trauma makes them vulnerable to the words, sounds and images of family and community are deluded into following a leader who has no capacity for true love and empathy. The cult leader is fundamentally incapable of love and empathy as their main allegiance is to themselves, their fragile ego and delusions of grandeur. The cult leader pretends to care about their followers but invests only in using their followers to prop up their hollow sense of self.

Over time, the stupid and insensitive actions of the leader and their core group become more and more obvious which has the effect of creating a death spiral in that the manipulations of the leader and core group become more and more obvious to outsiders and they become less effective at recruiting new victims into their funnels and pyramid schemes. Once the group enrollment begins to slow or even shrink, the loss of new victims creates conflict within the group which has depended on new recruits for money, s*xual stimulation and distraction from the failings of the leader. In-fighting results in even more stupid and even violent behavior as the cult leader and followers seek to maintain their status within the cult.

02/10/2024

Masculine and Feminine Aspects of Leadership

What is required for efficient, ethical and effective decision-making and action in relationships, groups and communities?

Honesty. Set up systems that support each individuals connection to the truth of their experiences, thoughts, emotions and perceptions while creating rituals for sharing truth that create more love, understanding and trust. Most people have had the experience of being told we should speak the truth but have been punished for it. When we can freely speak our truth we are also freed from it and can allow our views and opinions to evolve and shift over time. If our desires are not expressed they are likely to stagnate or to come out sideways. An example of this could be if someone doesn’t get their way on an issue or feel heard, they are likely to sabotage this project or some other project to prove their point.

A balance of time and efficiency. While we all may aspire to relax into a timeless space of consciousness the reality is we do have limited time in our lives and if we want to do things we need to make decisions, stop talking about it, and do it. If we do our homework and clear our emotional bodies we can step into the present moment with love and make decisions that reflect this. Often, consensus devolves into a contest where the individual with the most tolerance for boredom and bu****it wins.

Self-reflection and Feedback. Unless the feminine quality of self-reflection is balanced by the masculine quality of giving feedback in individuals and in groups we can be sidetracked by individuals unprocessed emotions. You can think of it in a gardening analogy: The feminine nurture qualities are watering, fertilizing while the masculine qualities are w**ding and pruning. Are you open to pruning and being pruned?

The four primary aspects of Leadership: Modeling, Facilitation, Inspiration and Direction. The first two, facilitation and modeling are essentially feminine qualities while the latter two, inspiration and direction are masculine qualities. Effective group decision-making and a healthy, conscious community requires all four and a powerful, effective and ethical leader embodies all of these aspects.

Modeling: Modeling is teaching and leading through our being, our consciousness, our deeds. This is the teaching of someone who talks little but leads by example. Instead of talking about the need to develop a recycling system, this person recycles everything they can. Instead of talking about setting up a system to w**d the garden they silently w**d the garden without being asked or asking others. Modeling is extremely powerful especially if it is done with purity of heart and ease in being. It is magnetic and creates a field of resonance that encourages others to take responsibility and seek opportunities to be helpful, productive and supportive. Ghandi was a powerful model as he lived his values of ahimsa through his actions and his lifestyle not just his words. Modeling can be summed up by the dictum: Don’t just talk about it, be it and do it.

Facilitation: Facilitation is the act of drawing out the wisdom, passion, and service of others. Facilitation is the feminine receptive power that intentionally creates a conscious vacuum so as to draw out the power of others. In meetings and gatherings, facilitation is led by someone who is more concerned with keeping the group in a state of ease, love, trust and understanding as well as creating good decisions for everyone that advocating a specific idea, proposal and course of action. If someone has a strong agenda or their emotional field is activated or disturbed they are unlikely to be able to provide facilitation. Facilitation requires we direct our focus to others and if we are consumed with our desires and fears we are unable to facilitate. A good facilitator will serve as a powerful model when they willingly hand the role of facilitation off if they are triggered emotionally or have a desire to initiate or direct a project or agenda item. A good facilitator is not just open, but solicits feedback, drawing in other’s perceptions of them.

Direction: Direction is the ability to provide guidance in what to do and how to do it. This quality is absolutely essential yet almost universally misunderstood, misapplied and feared. Direction is telling other people what to do and how to do it. It is not asking someone how they feel about their job, it is telling them how to do better. For direction to be effectively received, the recipient of direction must desire to be pe*****ted by the wisdom, knowledge and experience of the masculine director. They must trust the director at least in regard to the task at hand. To do this, we must be in a field of agreement, a circle of consent and direction must be subject to review and feedback. The unconscious, abusive form of direction is where people become afraid, in reaction and become opposed to all leadership and the concept of leaders. Direction is good. Direction instructs and teaches with consciousness. Direction is when we show someone how to plant a tree, build a structure or wire a solar system. If our egos are wounded and we are unable to receive direction we miss many opportunities for growth and knowledge. Some people have more knowledge and skill in some areas than others. Obviously they should be in the directing mode of others who have less skill, experience and knowledge. Yet when we are in fear of abuse of this masculine power, we shrink from direction and create confusion, stagnancy and power struggles. Where directive power is honored there is order, harmony, purpose and profit.

Inspiration: Inspiration is the soulful poetry of leadership. When we provide inspiration we give energy and enthusiasm to others. The poet and the preacher serve as inspirational guides, using their words and their energy to motivate others. The shadow aspect of inspiration is charisma without conscious or manipulation. Just as direction that is not within a facilitated process is likely to steamroll opposition and squander opportunities for collaboration and better ideas, inspiration without modeling results in skepticism and cynicism. Inspiration is a masculine, penetrative energy that moves you to action while modeling is a feminine, receptive power that draws the best out of you.

In communities where there is an imbalance of more feminine power stagnancy and confusion reigns. In the masculine dominant, emotions are crushed and people and nature are made to serve the unconscious ego. A community that is feminine dominant is vulnerable to an unhealthy expression of the masculine because it is so starved to be pe*****ted and directed that in it’s confusion it chooses the wrong leaders to pe*****te them, gets hurt and retreats again into fear, accusation and disempowerment. In the masculine-dominant community the feminine ideal is twisted into an model of needless suffering masqaurading as spiritual superiority.