01/05/2022
Happy 4th Birthday Our Dearest Sloane,
4 years ago today you came into our lives and brought us all such beautiful understandings of what is really important in life. That's not to say you didn't bring us those understandings without the scare of our life. A journey that I NEVER believed I was capable of taking, let alone surviving.
And today you turned 4! It's not what I had imagined after receiving your diagnosis.
There are so many times when my heart starts to flood with love when I just look, when you are being a ham, dancing, signing, saying some of the funniest things or when I watch you as you fall asleep. Yet right before that feeling of love overflowing, right before it gets topped off, that thought comes into my head. That thought that says "well let's hope this doesn't change".
That chatter and back and forth of me fighting to be present. "What matters is she is good, right now"
Yet as much as I work on be present there is that little speck that reminds me or limits me from filling my heart up to the top. "But what if tomorrow is different" "what if next year is not like this moment"
And I work hard on practicing not living in a future that hasn't happened. Not living in the past that is already behind us. But just being in the NOW.
But I'm still working on that skill. As you can see...
This may just be outright crazy...when I say that sometimes I intentionally caress your forehead the exact same way each time as I say I love you. So that if, if another seizure were to occur when you weren't responding to us. That maybe. Maybe I could just caress your head the same way and maybe, just maybe you would feel me saying "i love you". Hoping, just hoping, that it might be enough to keep you fighting through it.
But as you can see I still need to grow, still got some work to do. I just love watching you become who you are. And I want to learn how to love that just as it is in that very moment, right now as it is. Tomorrow as it will be.
So happy birthday to our resilient, brave, loving, funny potty mouth of a girl!
I hope all your dreams come true.
We lobe you endlessly.