07/01/2014
Here are the 8 types of Zombies the USG has listed in their survival/defense plans.
1. PATHEOGENIC ZOMBIES (PZ’S), AKA THE DISEASED KIND, AKA EVERY ZOMBIE FILM EVER.
Disease is the key for PZ’s, like in pretty much every zombie film ever. The report says that a virus like this would be pretty much incurable, though it would be vulnerable to UV light, making it harder for it to reproduce and spread.
Daylight is the safest place to avoid having your brains feasted on until the spread is contained.
2. WEAPONIZED ZOMBIES, ENGINEERED IN A LAB — THE GMO’S OF THE UNDEAD.
These are the GMO’s of the undead. Bio-engineered in a laboratory as part of a (presumably) sinister plan to use zombies as weapons, the best course of action is eliminating the infrastructure that supports/produces them.
3. EVIL MAGIC ZOMBIES. (THESE GUYS PLAY WAAAAAY TOO MUCH WORLD OF WARCRAFT.)
Clearly someone on this zombie-makin’ team plays way too much WoW. Occult experimentation and “evil magic” are to blame for these abominations.
Atheists and non-believers be warned: the report notes the Chaplain’s Corps is of little help to the spiritually disinclined.
4. SYMBIANT-INDUCED ZOMBIES (SIZ’S): PARASITES THAT TAKE OVER A HUMAN HOSTS BRAIN.
Like PZ’s but worse, this involves the slower process of having a foul organism corrupting an otherwise healthy life form by eating it and slowly taking over its body.
It’s unclear whether killing the parasitic creature would cure the person from being a zombie, but containment of those infected would be the best way to stop their spread.
5. RADIATION ZOMBIES (RZ’S). BASICALLY, ALL OF THE HILLS HAVE EYES.
In the fallout of nuclear war, all of The Hills Have Eyes. Extreme exposure to high doses of particle or electromagnetic radiation creates this kind of monster, which may not necessarily be “undead,” but rather so far mutated that its semblance to humanity is all but lost.
6. SPACE ZOMBIES (SZ’S):
Protocol here is pretty slim since we don’t actually know anything about aliens, much less zombies from outer space. Unless, of course, the military just accidentally admitted to the existence of extraterrestrial life…
Either way, we’re probably just gonna have to wing it on this one.
7. VEGETARIAN ZOMBIES:
Harmless and hip as ever, there’s no identifiable cause here, and the direct threat to human life is slim. They will, however, attempt to eat all plant life so deforestation and a diminishing food supply are cause enough to eradicate these Whole Foods Shoppers-turned-zombies.
8. CHICKEN ZOMBIES: TURNS OUT THEY’RE ACTUALLY A REAL THING.
Evidently, chickens are the only known organisms that are actually capable of being zombies.
Apparently, when factory farms euthanize unproductive hens with carbon monoxide, there have been cases where “dead” and buried chickens claw their way out of their graves and run around crazily until their organs fail and they die.
Crazy.
The best way to get rid of chicken zombies is to kill them… again.
All in all, the government did a pretty thorough assessment, though they probably should’ve included something about a bath salts epidemic since that’s the most likely way we’ll end up wielding crossbows and fending off walkers.
What are your thoughts?
