20/10/2025
About my mother for my lover, my first poem. Ek probeer.
Dida…
did you ever love me?
Did you ever kiss me and hold me?
Because I don’t remember.
But I forgive you.
Five kids with different dads —
you surely were mad.
But I forgive you.
I wish you got help.
Instead, it is me,
sitting here,
wishing,
dreaming
of the family I never had.
You never loved me enough
to show me how to have love,
how to accept love
when it stands right in front of me.
I get so scared
I start a fight,
because opening my heart
means I have to talk about you, Dida.
And I can’t.
It’s too sore.
The pain is too real.
And I don’t want to be hurt anymore.
I was a kid when the towers got struck,
with my best friend sitting on the couch —
we watched them fall.
And I knew,
one day it would be me
on the ground.
These meetings with the Creator,
they would be arranged by us.
Losing my family,
listening to the other kids cry at night,
wishing they died…
I learned that life is nowhere to be found
but in one’s heart.
And even if it is only for you,
that’s okay —
because love is real,
and it is coated in truth.
We are soulmates.
Even if we are not together now,
we never will be.
But I will not love you more than life itself —
because I have kids.
And a Jezebel
who will never like
or approve of Elijah.
The devil is real.
He has power,
but he is not almighty.
Even though he’s won this battle,
the war was already won
by Jesus,
two thousand years ago.
So please come, Jesus.
End this life —
or at least guide us.
Help us, Holy Spirit,
because the depth of my consciousness
is causing me to suffer.
And I took more of the poison
that kills me,
but all I lost
was everything
so close and dear to me.
Money is a scam.
Politics.
People lie and steal.
But they have more reason
to be forgiven
than I do.
I promised
I’d go down to Hades
to get you back.
And I did.
I was there
to grab you
and bring you back.
All I asked for
was the truth.
And you didn’t keep
your end of the deal.
Now I am suffering
the consequences
of the wrath of Hades.
And I don’t have you.
So it’s not only a loss for me —
it is a suffering
and longing
for you,
my love.
Yet you don’t answer questions.
Your presimquity is a sign of your pain,
and my PTSD is a sign of my scars —
and the meeting I arranged
with the Creator of the Universe
and those who tried to harm us…
I said it before,
and I will say it again —
you can laugh,
you can talk about me,
but one thing you cannot do
is ignore me.
My scars are real,
and they cut deep.
But nothing cuts deeper
than me telling you:
It’s over.
I begged you
to come back to me
and leave Hades,
but you couldn’t —
too broken,
too tired,
too scared
of real love.
You chose pain over comfort,
fighting over forgiveness.
And there,
I had to let you go
and find the love
you are praying for.
Because I am not it.
I cannot be
the savior
that goes into Hades,
and the love-lover
of your dreams.
Thank you now,
for the love you taught me —
the kind of love
that makes you suffer
when it is gone.
But it also showed me
my capacity to love.
Because love is the one thing
that heals pain —
not new love
every time you fall,
but love in Yeshua.
A love rooted in pain
must give way
to love rooted in Him.
I will miss you
from now till the end.
And I will love again —
but never the same.
You taught me to love you,
but then you forgot
to love yourself
so that you could be healthy again.
But it’s okay.
You will love again,
and again,
and again.
I will still miss you,
and stay strong
through the pain —
because you reminded me
that your smile
could light up my heart
again and again.
But there is no heart left
to feel the pain.
If we meet again,
my heart will sink.
My heart will pain —
because I knew
I had to break up with you.
But I wish
I never had to.
Maybe in a different life,
I will save you
before she hurts you.
And I will shield and hold you tight
with the full armor of God,
like a listener with a wooden heart.
I know we are all broken people
on the most honest day of living…
but I wanted to heal you,
to care for you,
to keep you safe —
so that the bogeyman could not hurt or harm you.
To take care of your heart,
by loving and protecting you
against her,
yourself,
me,
and the devil on your shoulder
telling you
you are not good enough.
I miss you.
I love yo
