14/04/2026
From the Cracked Archive:
You know you’re having a tough night at the ESPYs when People calls you out for a performance “that appeared to fall flat.” For Shane Gillis, host of the sports awards show, the boos were another sign it wasn’t going great.
Gillis did get laughs at some points during his opening monologue. Bill Belichick and his girlfriend Jordan Hudson are always fair game, apparently, and the comedian got his biggest laughs with jokes like this after a Shohei Otani bookie bit: “A bookie is what Bill Belichick reads to his girlfriend before bedtime. They read, Very H***y Caterpillar, The Little Engine That Could But Needed A Pill First and, of course, the classic, Good Night Boobs.”
His follow-up Belichick joke wasn’t as well received, for obvious reasons: “He won six Super Bowls. He’s dating a hot 24-year-old. Maybe if you guys won six Super Bowls, you wouldn’t be sitting next to a fat ugly dog wife.”
The former Mrs. Belichick wasn’t in the audience to take that shovel to the face.
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