05/17/2026
A New Coat of Paint
Dan Seaborn
My dad was famous (at least in our immediate family) for using a new coat of paint to make anything look better. I’m not joking when I say that my kids grew up playing basketball on the hoop hanging on their garage…and the net was completely stiff because it had so many coats of paint. It was well past the point where it had absorbed into the nylon, and it was just paint laying on top of paint. You’d have needed an ice pick to get to any kind of fabric. And his lawn furniture and porch swing were equally layered with paint. Truthfully, I think Dad’s system was kind of genius in its simplicity. He was in South Carolina, so he wasn’t having to fight against winter like we do around here.
We know that when somebody is getting ready to sell their house or move out of their rental, the easiest way to make the place look like it’s in good condition is to spackle over the imperfections and throw on a new coat of paint. A new coat of paint may work if you’re trying to extend the life of lawn furniture (or even basketball nets!) or if you’re trying to make your interior walls and ceilings look good, but this approach doesn’t work so well for family life or relationships.
When we have conflict in the home, we can say a quick “my fault” or “sorry” and then move on and hope everybody forgets about it and doesn’t hold anything against us. For minor things, that is not a problem. But for serious things where our attitude, words, or behavior has truly impeded or hurt somebody, then a flippant response like that is trying to slap a new coat of paint on top of damage that won’t repair on its own. Imagine trying to paint over water damage, termite damage, or mold damage. It won’t fix anything; it will only temporarily mask the issue. If we don’t actually get in there and work to make repairs in our relationships, we are doing the same thing.
I know that “repair” is a vague word, but I chose it on purpose. Because there is no one-size-fits all approach. As I’ve mentioned in these articles before, all four of my adult children are different from one another, and they’re all different from Jane as well. So, when it’s time for repair, I need to be aware of who I’m talking to, and I need to approach them as an individual rather than as a generic person. Overall, repair will be based on an apology, addressing the hurt, and letting them know how I plan to handle it differently the next time we run into something similar. Depending on who I’m talking to, the timing and the wording will be different (because I know them as an individual and want that to be clear as part of the repair).
If reading this has made you realize that you’ve been doing the “new coat of paint” approach in relationships where true repair is needed, I hope you choose to handle things differently from here on out. It won’t be fun and it won’t be easy, but I believe that it will be worth it! As you get into these conversations, if it brings up something that you feel is too big to work through on your own, please know that our counselors and coaches at Winning At Home are available to help you navigate these difficult situations and conversations. Don’t hesitate to reach out to set up an appointment for yourself or as a couple (or you and a parent or a child)!
