09/06/2023
I was overwhelmed with emotion the other night as I thought about another September rolling around. I felt small. For a moment, I was outside my usual “anything is possible” attitude. The childhood cancer problem is so big. And sometimes I feel like a broken record with no one near to set the music straight again.
And then I saw this picture of Eve. I haven’t even spoken to her in 4 whole days. That may seem normal to you with adult children, but then Eve is not your daughter. This is a child who commonly calls or texts several times a day. See….she is off living her best life. Over the past couple weeks, when I have seen her, she just glows. Her countinence beams with confidence and joy. She has taken to her new job like a duck to water. This is a child who has an almost debilitating fear of the unknown. Any new and impactful life change has thrown her (and me by default) onto a crazy wooden roller coaster ride of emotion, jerking us around, giving us whiplash at every curve. As she ended her Senior year at OCU, I talked to God continually “God, you know how Eve is. You HAVE to have the perfect job lined out for her IMMEDIATELY.” Her fear of the unknown had been contagious and now I dreaded the wild ride that would happen if Eve didn’t get a job she really liked entering REAL adulthood. And what is par for the course, God had her back. This picture of Eve on FB posted by someone I don’t even know with these words:
“Seeing your Student Pastor, all 3 of your small group leaders, and one of your favorite non-profit leaders show up for your game….
That’s priceless for a 6th grade girl.
Thank you guys for leading this generation so well. These students need you more than you’ll ever know.”
Eve is not only teaching dance to 5th-8th graders at a public middle school but she’s a small group leader for 6th grade girls at her church, where she also greets, runs graphics, and is training to be floor manager.
While in the shower this morning, this overwhelming feeling of dissonance washed over me. One of my daughters is in heaven and the other one is a shining example of heaven on earth. The question that gnaws at me at these times is would one be without the other? I just don’t know. I was a pretty good parent before but I’m a better parent now. I was a pretty good dance teacher before, but I’m a better dance teacher now. I was a pretty good person before, but I’m a better person now. All of these things affected my children, like the butterfly effect rippling through time changing all that would have been. We are not the same. Nor are we who we would have been in an alternate universe where Eden was still here. And I can’t help but feel like we are better off having gone through what we have. It’s a feeling I’ll never wrap my mind around. Even if I live to be 102.
And it’s moments like these that I get it. I wasn’t called to fix childhood cancer. I was called to inspire others to be their best selves, to learn who their identities are outside of their hurts, to REALLY live their best lives without pretending. All this without having to go through life altering tragedy. And for those who have had the worst things happen to them, then I’m there to say “but there is light.”
While I like to produce the biggest shows, throw the biggest parties, dream the biggest dreams, and build the biggest legacy possible, it’s less mind-boggling to not ask how I can change the world but what small spark can I set in this small moment now? What person needs my light now? What person needs my wisdom now? What person needs my smile now? These are the sparks that set the largest fires. I pray some are eternal fires that darkness can never quench.
