10/13/2026
Clear and healthy commutation is what God calls us to do.
One thing I’ve noticed in life is that a LOT of arguments, misunderstandings, and broken relationships come down to one thing: a lack of communication.
People aren’t listening to understand. They’re listening to respond. They speak out of anger, interrupt each other, and become defensive instead of taking accountability.
Here are four common communication mistakes I see:
1. Speaking out of emotion instead of intention.
When we’re angry, we often use hurtful words instead of taking a moment to think before we speak.
2. Listening to reply instead of listening to understand.
We’re so busy preparing our response that we never actually hear what the other person is saying.
3. Interrupting instead of allowing someone to finish.
You can’t understand someone’s perspective if you won’t give them the opportunity to explain it.
4. Getting defensive instead of taking accountability.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to say is, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
Now, let’s talk about something else people struggle with: understanding that two people can have different perspectives without one person necessarily being entirely right and the other entirely wrong.
Even when one person is wrong, understanding the context matters.
Let me give you an example.
My husband recently came home from three days at cow camp with no cell service. He was expecting to come home to his loving wife. Instead, he came home to a woman who was exhausted, overwhelmed, and in a SOUR mood.
We had just moved into a new house for a new job. Our belongings were piled everywhere, we had no furniture, and barely any cell service. We had unloaded everything and immediately turned around to help at the Bridles & Bibles horse show.
I was dealing with debilitating cramps, unpacking a house, maintaining potty training with a two-year-old AND a pug puppy, and trying to keep everyone fed, clothed, and comfortable.
To top it all off, I had recently spent nearly two hours stranded on the side of the road in 85-degree weather with a hungry toddler, two pugs, and a horse in the trailer because our truck’s fuel gauge is broken.
Needless to say, I was OVER IT.
When my husband walked through the door, I was short with him, bitter, and downright cranky.
In the past, this would have been the perfect recipe for an argument. Instead, he simply asked me, “Why are you in a bad mood?”
I told him the truth. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
He stopped, hugged me, and told me how proud he was of me for everything I had been doing. Then he told me to go take a hot bath and relax while he took care of the dogs and our daughter.
THAT is what healthy communication looks like.
Now, let’s be clear. My exhaustion explained my behavior, but it didn’t excuse it. I was wrong for taking my frustration out on my husband. I should have communicated how I was feeling instead of being short with him.
But instead of responding to my attitude with an attitude of his own, he chose to listen, understand, and help.
We could have turned that evening into a fight filled with hurt feelings and resentment. Instead, we came together as a team.
Now, how does this apply to horsemanship?
The exact same principles apply.
One of the biggest problems I see in horsemanship is people who listen to their horses only long enough to decide how they’re going to correct them.
The horse doesn’t do what the rider asks, so the rider immediately starts kicking, jerking, pulling, and punishing.
But did anyone stop to ask WHY the horse wasn’t responding?
Was the horse confused? Frustrated? Uncomfortable? Did the rider give unclear cues? Was the horse struggling to understand what was being asked?
Correction has its place in horsemanship. I’m not saying we never need to have a coming-to-Jesus meeting with our horses.
Just last night, my mare tried to bite me while I was taking off her halter after a long day standing tied in a trailer at a branding.
She had already been telling me she was frustrated. She was pawing, pacing, whinnying, and trying to push past me to get back to the pasture.
When she tried to nip me, I gave her a quick correction. She backed up. I asked her to come forward again, lower her head, and stand quietly. She did, I removed her halter, and I turned her loose.
Correction given. Lesson understood. Move on.
I didn’t need to jerk on her, run her around, or punish her for the next 45 minutes.
Why? Because the goal wasn’t to make her miserable. The goal was to communicate a clear boundary and get the desired response.
If I had turned a brief correction into a long, frustrating ordeal, I could have created a negative association with being caught and handled. A situation that took a minute to resolve could have become a much bigger problem.
Our horses are constantly communicating with us through their behavior. That doesn’t mean every unwanted behavior should be allowed, but it DOES mean we need to learn to recognize what our horses are telling us and respond appropriately.
Correction is about teaching, not taking our frustration out on the horse.
And that brings us to something important that applies to both horsemanship and our relationships with people.
Our responsibility is to make the lesson clear, not spread our frustration.
It’s okay to feel frustrated. What matters is what we do with that frustration. We can acknowledge it, work through it, and still communicate with clarity and grace.
But we shouldn’t take our frustration and pass it on to everyone around us, turning our bad moment into someone else’s bad moment, too.
Work through your frustration. Don’t grow it by giving it to others.
Whether it’s a disagreement with someone you love or a training issue with your horse, the goal is to resolve the problem, not create more of them.
And that brings us back to our relationships with people.
Ephesians 4:29 says:
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Proverbs 15:1 says:
“A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”
And James 1:19 gives us one of the simplest, yet hardest, principles to practice:
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
Quick to hear. Slow to speak. Slow to anger.
Think about how many arguments could be avoided if we actually practiced that.
If I’m busy trying to unpack the house and my husband asks me to come help him with something, I can respond with sarcasm:
“Oh, sure. Let me just add that to my never-ending list of things I have to do today.”
Or I can communicate clearly:
“I’m really trying to get a lot done today. Is it something quick, or something you really need my help with right now?”
Same situation. Two very different outcomes.
The same goes for our horses. When a horse isn’t responding the way we expect, we need to stop, evaluate, and communicate clearly instead of immediately reacting out of frustration.
Colossians 4:6 reminds us:
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
I encourage you to read Proverbs 15, especially if you struggle with the words you speak. It’s a chapter I have to revisit myself from time to time.
Because here’s the truth:
You can be right about something and still handle it the wrong way.
You can correct someone without tearing them down. You can hold your horse accountable without creating unnecessary fear and confusion. You can stand firm in your boundaries while still responding with grace.
Being understood is not about speaking louder, faster, or more aggressively than the other person. It’s about communicating in a way that allows understanding to happen.
So, whether you’re working through a disagreement with your spouse or working through a training issue with your horse, take a moment to ask yourself:
Am I listening to understand, or just waiting to respond?
Am I correcting the problem, or reacting out of frustration?
Am I communicating with clarity and grace, or am I stirring up anger?
Because good communication doesn’t just change the conversation. It can change the entire relationship.
And in both faith and horsemanship, how we communicate matters just as much as what we’re trying to communicate.
Written by Sara Jean Wedel
