10/01/2020
The 31 days of Domestic Violence Day 1
Recognize domestic violence
Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship siblings parents & kids. Domestic violence can take many forms, including verbal (being the worst) emotional, financial, s*xual and physical abuse. Domestic violence can happen in heteros*xual or same-s*x relationships.
Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.
It might not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You might be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:
Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school or seeing family members or friends
Tries to control how you spend money, where you go, what medicines you take or what you wear
Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Tries to control whether you can see a health care provider
Threatens you with violence or a weapon
Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
Forces you to have s*x or engage in s*xual acts against your will
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your s*xual orientation or gender identity
If you're le***an, bis*xual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:
Tells you that authorities won't help a le***an, bis*xual or transgender person
Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that le***an, bis*xual or transgender relationships are deviant
Says women can't be violent
Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" le***an, bis*xual or transgender
Don't take the blame
You may not be ready to seek help because you believe you're at least partially to blame for the abuse in the relationship. Reasons may include:
Your partner blames you for the violence in your relationship. Abusive partners rarely take responsibility for their actions.
Your partner only exhibits abusive behavior with you. Abusers are often concerned with outward appearances, and may appear charming and stable to those outside of your relationship. This may cause you to believe that his or her actions can only be explained by something you've done.
Therapists and doctors who see you alone or with your partner haven't detected a problem. If you haven't told your doctor or other health care providers about the abuse, they may only take note of unhealthy patterns in your thinking or behavior, which can lead to a misdiagnosis. For example, survivors of intimate partner violence may develop symptoms that resemble personality disorders. Exposure to intimate partner violence also increases your risk of mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
You have acted out verbally or physically against your abuser, yelling, pushing, or hitting him or her during conflicts. You may worry that you are abusive, but it's much more likely that you acted in self-defense or intense emotional distress. Your abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.
If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person on the receiving end is being abused.
Pregnancy, children and abuse
Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy, putting your health and the baby's health at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born.
Even if your child isn't abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they're more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of relationships.
You might worry that telling the truth will further endanger you, your child or other family members — and that it might break up your family — but guess what your family is already broken!
Break the cycle
If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:
Your abuser threatens violence.
Your abuser strikes.
Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
The cycle repeats itself.
Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.
The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the physical and emotional toll. You might become depressed and anxious, or begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself.
Create a safety plan
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Never tell your abuser your leaving that could be your last words. Move in silence with a full proof safety plan. Don’t change continue to be you Abusers are smart they notice change in everything especially your attitude or actions!
Call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn't around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there.
Protect your communication and location
An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your location. If you're concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:
Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your call and texting history.
Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, the library or at a friend's house to seek help.
Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.
Frequently change your email password. Choose passwords that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you've viewed.
Where to seek help
In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:
Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, loved one, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or spiritual adviser for support.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233). Call the hotline for crisis intervention and referrals to resources, such as women's shelters.
Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to safe housing and other local resources.
A local women's shelter or crisis center. Shelters and crisis centers typically provide 24-hour emergency shelter, as well as advice on legal matters and advocacy and support services.
A counseling or mental health center. In this case I recommend Afi Gaston Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags.
A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates might be available to help guide you through the process.
It can be hard to recognize or admit that you're in an abusive relationship — but help is available. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.
