ARMS of Hope

11/04/2024

Wherever you are, whatever time zone you’re in, at 6pm join Americans nationwide to cover this election in prayer. 🙌

05/24/2023

RECOVERY FROM TRAUMA
I’ve been thinking about trauma, and expectations about recovery from trauma.

Everyone will experience trauma in their lives, whether big or small. We’ll have traumas with our emotional and physical health. Traumas experienced in the workplace, trauma resulting from being in addiction, trauma because of someone else’s addiction. Trauma changes us, changes our health, changes the way we filter emotions, changes our relationships, changes our employment status, it changes our sense of identity and self-esteem. These types of changes transform our lives, reshapes us, and rewrites our story.

What we once considered safe and secure is swept away. How we recover from our traumas and rebuild will define our remaining life chapters. Do we resent what happened to us, or use it to become better, stronger?

I can remember saying, when my child was in active addiction, that I would be so glad when she went through rehab, because I would be able to get my girl back. But, because trauma changes people, that’s not exactly what happened. Someone very wise, (actually my daughter that was in addition), told me that girl is gone mom.

She used what happened to her while in addiction and, after being in rehab, to grow and learn. She educated herself so she can help others learn to help themselves. She did the work herself and as a result of doing the hard work, she’s become a better, stronger version of herself.

If you’ve been in addiction, or had a change in your financial status, you may find yourself needing help from friends and community, and that’s Ok while you work to reestablish yourself. But be careful, that can become a trap to keep you buried and unable to find your way to independence. When people are given something without having to work to earn it, it robs them of initiative, ambition, dignity, and self-worth.

We have the ultimate self-help book to look for advice on handling trauma. Jesus’ earthly brother James, who was clubbed to death by a priest about 50 years after Jesus’ death, gave us the most perfect advice:
“Count it all joy …” (James 1:2-4). James encourages us to evaluate the way we perceive our trials and traumas. He challenges us to develop an attitude that will consider our traumas from God’s perspective. Trauma is part of life. Jesus told us “…in this world you will have trouble”. (John 16:33). Will we spend the rest of our life resenting what happened to us or use the opportunity it presents for good and find joy?

Recovery from trauma isn’t easy, you may need to follow a 12-step program the rest of your life, you may need advice about re-establishing your identity, you may need help finding a place to live, you may need to further your education and make yourself more employable, you may need professional counseling. All these things.

But you know what? James goes on to say that this is what produces endurance and strength. Count it all for Joy! 💚💚💚

Raising awareness about addiction through education, which creates greater accessibility to substance abuse prevention, intervention, treatment and support resources.

01/29/2023

CUTTING HOLES IN ROOFS
If you want a biblical example of love and commitment for a person unable to help themselves, look no further than the story in Mark 2:1-5. I’ve always loved the story of these friends.

The faith of the paralyzed man’s friends jumps off the page. They knew Jesus could heal their friend. And at great personal cost to the men physically and monetarily (they would have had to repair the owner’s roof), they got their friend through the frenzied crowd, up onto the roof and lowered into Jesus’ presence.

Because of the faith of his friends, not only was the paralyzed man’s body healed, but by his own faith, his soul was saved.

This story makes me think about people with mental health issues, in active addiction, or both. Their bodies and minds are “paralyzed”, creating a barrier to healing. They need assistance.

God always answers when we pray. Our prayers of faith and victory for others has the potential of being history-making, and life-altering, with healing power.

“The prayer of a person living right with God is powerful and something to be reckoned with.” James 5:16

Do we pray the kind of prayers that cuts holes in roofs for others? Are we uncompromising and passionate when we pray for people separated from the One who can help them? Do we love others enough to labor to the roof with them? These are the kinds of prayers than can change lives.

Praying for others can be hard work. The enemy will try to intercept your attention, don’t let him. Remember who you’re wrestling with, then visualize him already defeated.

If you journal, write a list of people who come to mind, even if it’s someone you don’t know. Spend time “lowering them through the roof” of whatever is separating them from God.

Pray their eyes open to His forgiveness and healing presence. Pray for the strength of the people in their lives to help them with direction so that their “way” becomes established. Pray for doors to be unlocked and opened, for knots to be untied, for ties to be loosened and all hindrances removed. 💚💚💚

Prayer: Jesus, I want to be the servant who works to help others find their way to your presence. Give me the love, patience, and strength to bring them to You. I love You. Amen.

08/10/2022

ARMS of Hope recently inquired of those who’ve been down the road with someone they love in addiction what their advice would be to someone just starting. Please share with others what you’ve learned in the comments about what worked for your family or from the back-to-the-drawing-board circumstances you endured. We’re all in this together, and there is no one way or right way of recovery that seems to work across the board for everyone and every situation.

My daughter is closing in on her five-year sobriety date, and we are very proud of her. The journey has not been easy, and her dad and I have made our share of mistakes along the way. We are happy to share what we’ve learned in hopes it will help another family.
There are so many things I know to do now that I didn’t when we first began to realize our daughter’s partying was more than just something she could stop so she could get on with her life.

My advice to begin with would be to educate yourself about what you suspect is being abused, learn the effects it has on the human body, the damage it does with short term use and long term. Find scientific articles that describe what to expect during progressive stages of abstinence; 30 days, 90 days, 6 months, one year, etc.

I would set firm boundaries, about what you won’t allow in your home, then reach out to people who have already travelled the road you’re just starting out on and ask for advice. I would listen and do my best to put that advice into practice even if it goes against every instinct you have as a parent.

I learned from failed rehab attempts that contact with them for the first 30-60 days in rehab, especially family or romantic interests, guarantees relapse. I learned putting stress on them to go to work or attend college with just a few weeks of abstinence, guarantees relapse. I learned there is a difference between abstinence and recovery. I learned the family needs to understand this difference or it will guarantee relapse.

I learned I had to let her make mistakes so that she could recover emotionally as well as physically. I learned recovery takes months to learn different thinking patterns and develop healthy coping skills. I learned I couldn’t do this for her; she had to choose to work on her recovery every day, she had to learn her life has value. I learned recovery will be a continual life choice for her.

I learned I had become addicted to enabling and was co-dependent on her addiction and had to work on my own recovery. I learned when I Let Go and gave her to God, He was finally able to work in her life without my interference.

I learned none of this happens in just a few weeks, she had to turn her life around and inside out, which is a process that takes years. I learned that a year in rehab was a good start and after that staying away from the environment where she used for another year helped.

Ultimately, she had to envision the life she wanted for herself and do the work to create it. 💚

05/31/2022

WHEN DOES HELPING BECOME ENABLING?

Just like everyone who has addiction in their family, I’ve had to look in the mirror and take a hard look at myself to answer this question. Not only during my child’s active addiction but well into her recovery journey.

I’ve also felt the shame of the enabling label. It’s a label that devalues a parent or caregiver and contributes further to our loss of self-respect. I know all of this intimately. I also know that any parent who can completely remove themselves from their child’s recovery is fudging a little in the self-honesty department.

Addiction changes everyone in the family. I want to make it clear that enabling is not an indictment of guilt or shame, it’s a natural response of love out of fear for their lives.

But… at some point helping becomes enabling. Then enabling eventually becomes its own trap, its own addiction, its own enslaving sickness of codependency. Personal and family boundaries are violated as enabling perpetuates addiction and unwanted behaviors. Enabling creates resentments in everyone in the family.

So, what’s the difference between helping and enabling?

Very simply, helping becomes enabling when you diminish a person’s responsibility by not holding them accountable and not allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their behavior.

Enabling comes from a place of fear and “good intentions.” But we’re becoming sick right along with them which keeps us both trapped in their addiction cycles. Enabling eventually becomes a manipulative addiction to feel needed because it keeps a person dependent on you. It’s a powerful thing to feel needed and this is what enabling does, it makes you believe you’re in control of their addiction and recovery.

I’m not going to tell anyone that it’s easy to break out of the enabling cycle and learn how to set clear, firm boundaries - we didn’t get there overnight. Like any addiction, the place to start is taking an honest look at ourselves, acknowledging what we’re doing, then finding support from professionals or trusted friends. I’ll also tell you it’s the scariest, most painful thing my husband and I ever did. It felt like letting go and falling off a cliff. We felt as though we were abandoning our child.

I can’t guarantee anyone else’s good results by letting go of an addicted loved one. It takes a lot of prayer and trust that God can now hold the hand you let go of and guide them out of their darkness. 💚🤝

02/12/2022

INVISIBLE VICTIMS: parents, siblings, children
When a child is in danger or threatened, a parent experiences a physical stress response in reaction - regardless of the child’s age. For parents whose children have a Substance Use Disorder and are actively using their drug, this stress response is continual and on-going.

Substance Use Disorder (SUD) is able to claim additional victims as the families of the addicted persons live with dangerous and toxic stress levels. The stress contributes to depression, PTSD and other mental health problems and is also a substantial factor in many serious physical health problems.

Parents naturally put their child’s well-being before their own and unfortunately for everyone involved, most will not seek help or take advice while their child is actively using drugs. Because SUD is a complex and confusing disease, families may believe they are helping their child, when they continually bail them out, cover for them, provide for an adult child’s basic needs or shield them from consequences. They may not realize or want to accept that they are prolonging their child’s failure to seek help with abstinence and recovery with this type of help.

A parent gradually becomes the brunt of abusive behavior that would never be tolerated if addiction were not a factor. This abusive behavior is manipulative, demeaning, and disrespectful. Since the onset of the behavior is gradual, a parent’s acceptance of the behavior gradually becomes another eroding burden to bear. Alibiing or making excuses for bad behavior reinforces the behavior and reduces the recipient’s self-esteem.

The symbiotic nature of enabling makes for its own addiction because it gives an “enabler” a false sense of control over the uncontrollable, and the illusion of being able to fix or manage something that is not theirs to manage.

It’s necessary for families to establish boundaries with an addicted family member. But boundaries will provoke ultimatums as those boundaries are tested. Not being able to uphold an ultimatum will contribute to a loss of self-worth and feelings of powerlessness.

A person’s family does not create another’s addiction, and recovery is the responsibility of the person who is addicted. The mental and physical health of family members matter just as much as the addicted person.

If any of this sounds like your life, reach out to people who have experienced what you are going through. Don’t allow yourself to become a victim of addiction. 💚

11/28/2021

For many, the holiday season is not always the most wonderful time of the year. The season can come with a variety of triggers: songs, scents, rituals, pressures, expectations, the presence of alcohol. For those struggling, a lack of support can also be a trigger. If any of this rings true, when you feel the most invisible, the most forgotten, remember God SEES you! He is a witness to your struggles and will come beside you and give you His hand. Call to Him! He's waiting.
“You are the God who sees me”. Genesis 16:13

Raising awareness about addiction through education, which creates greater accessibility to substance abuse prevention, intervention, treatment and support resources.

11/23/2021

TIPS TO DE-STRESS THE HOLIDAYS WHEN ADDICTION JOINS THE FAMILY
Most of us have cherished holiday memories, homes full of wonderful aromas, laughter and things to be thankful for. But things changed when addiction joined the family. Those precious memories now feel like they happened in another lifetime.

Addiction doesn't just change the holidays, it changes everything. But, we can still make space in our lives for things that are precious to us and others in our family.

TIP #1: LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS AND FEEL YOUR FEELINGS
Most of us tend to overcomplicate the holidays with expectations. We try to manufacture the picture-perfect day, but the reality is what we’re doing is setting us up for failure.
We can’t control addiction. It’s disappointing, it’s painful, it’s sad and it’s scary. And, you know what … IT’S OK TO FEEL THOSE FEELINGS! The day doesn’t have to be perfect.
Plan ahead. Take the time to face your feelings—to grieve for what was and what isn't. Ask for help—from friends, family, a therapist or counselor or a family support group , like Al-Anon, Families Anonymous, PALS, HEROES or The Addict's Mom.

#2: APPRECIATE WHO SHOWS UP
When one family member is in addiction, it’s natural to give them all of our attention, whether they show up or not. We become hypnotized by the empty space at the table. Or, we spend the day watching their every move, completely occupied with worry or anger. As a result, we abandon those who are present.
We can set boundaries about substance use within our home, but we can’t guarantee that they’ll show up sober or stay sober during their visit. We can’t guarantee that the day will end perfectly. But we can control who and what we pay attention to.
Make a plan to notice and appreciate the family members who show up and try to have a happy holiday.

#3: START NEW TRADITIONS
Now that addiction is a part of the holidays, it's time for new traditions that are restorative and protect mental health. We don't need to exhaust ourselves to have a good time.
Instead of cooking the perfect dinner or designing the most picturesque holiday home, we can put our energy into activities that make us happy. Ask yourself, "What would make me happy this holiday season?" Maybe it's an entire day spent watching favorite movies. Maybe it's getting takeout from your favorite restaurant. Maybe it's even simpler. You aren’t able to control addiction, but you can control your priorities, and taking care of yourself should be at the very top of your list.

#4: BE PURPOSFUL WITH GRATITUDE
Be grateful for the meaning of the holiday and be grateful who is at the table.
Being grateful is a state of mind that changes our outlook on life. Gratitude helps us see the infinite beauty that surrounds us and deserves our attention.

#5: LET HEALING HAPPEN - HOPE WILL COME
Be kind to yourself. When we focus on our recovery, we help the rest of the family move forward. As we gain strength to face reality and accept what is, the hole in our hearts starts to fill.
There is still plenty to be thankful for, and still so much to hope for.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Our loved one is addicted, but their story isn't finished yet. Recovery is available to everyone who wants it.
Over time, regardless of outcomes, with self-care we can learn how to feel safe and happy again. We will always pray they find recovery, but as we work on our own recovery, we can get to a place where addiction doesn't control us. 💚✨

11/19/2021

YOU CAN LET GO, IT WILL BE OK

10/18/2021

In the last several years I’ve heard a lot of criticism and judgment about mothers who enable their addicted adult children. The truth is, I’m one of those mothers. It’s a burden that I’ve been working on giving to the only person that can carry it. I’m also working on building healthy boundaries with my child. Baby steps. All of this doesn’t happen overnight.
Motherhood is a gift from God. When our babies are first put in our arms, when our eyes make their first connection, we are imprinted on each other forever. It intrinsically becomes our nature to love and protect our child unconditionally and sacrificially. Every time we see our child, no matter how old they both become, we will always see them on the day they were born.
The phenomenon of enabling an adult child in addiction happens because a mother’s instinct to protect her baby kicks in. Even though we may know better, have been told not to, and even been educated about how detrimental enabling is to our addicted children, we are hard-wired to sacrifice ourselves to save them.
If you have friends who have addicted children, especially those who now carry the burden of their adult child’s criminal legal troubles, pray for that mom, don’t criticize her. Please don’t add your criticism and judgment to the burdens that are already more than she can bear. Remember she is a mom who has had the hopes and dreams for her child crushed. Pray that she’ll be surrounded with comfort and pray that she can give those overwhelming burdens to the only person who is able to carry them. 💔 🙏