04/01/2016
Announcement:
I'm sure some of you have already heard some rumors about this, but in the spirit of transparency I think it's time to make it official.
Over the past few weeks, the various chapter heads of the Cascadian Illuminati have been meeting to discuss the future of our group. It's been agreed that while the "loosely organized occult drinking club" model has served us pretty well in the past few years, we are all kind of tired of this format and want to do something new and more personally satisfying and fulfilling. As such the following changes will be implemented starting next month:
1. We've come to believe that meetings centered around alcohol and frivolous discussion do not really suit as any more, as such our monthly meetups at bars will instead be replaced by weekly early morning gatherings where we focus on health and fitness starting with a 45 minute cardio session followed by a probiotic, antioxidant DNA activation juice cleanse that has been alchemically formulated to not only boost metabolism, and clear the body of toxins, but also to boost spiritual and psychic perception and an 36% increase in raw magical power.
2. While we initially believed that making the Cascadian Illuminati open to anyone regardless of magical background or tradition, we have to admit this has been an abyssmal failure. While it may have seemed to the average member that meetings were cordial, full of mutual respect and appreciation, the harsh truth is that the last 3 years have been an unprecedented time of covert magical warfare in the Pacific Northwest, where different groups have been using sorcery, psychic attacks and demonic servitors to attack each other at meetings while pretending they were the best of friends. Therefore we will henceforth only open meetings to Illuminoids that are willing to undergo our new set of initiatory rites that will feature certain blood oaths.
3. In an effort to boost our brand and secure operational capital for the rest of 2016 and beyond we have decided to pursue Corporate sponsors and partnerships. We have also decided that our initial allegiance to the Cascadia Bio-region, while noble, was also severely limiting us and our growth opportunities. We are therefore proud to announce the launch of our new venture: The Amazon Illuminati. We've had several exciting meetings with Amazon marketing specialists and feel that this alliance will "kindle" a new interest in our organization going forward and put us in a "Prime" position to become a market leader in global illuminism.
I hope you all are as excited about these upcoming changes as I am, and wish to thank you all for your continued hard work as we move into a brighter, more illuminated future.
- On behalf of the Inner Council of the Ordo Perfectiblis In Cascadia
Frater Stian Kulystin - Executive Misdirector of Special Projects
