05/26/2017
Onward..
This was the start of a journal entry from way back that I guess I never got around to finishing. Life, it happens!
I don’t believe I ever finished Keegan’s “Neurofeedback” final results. Well, we tried, it didn’t work. We’re devastated it didn’t work, but that’s okay because HE has an even better plan for us! I do believe in it and I do believe it can work for some people because I understand the science behind it. It was absolutely worth chasing. Thank you to so many for supporting us through that part of his journey. I’m of course working on some connections and doing more research because as a parent I don’t believe we ever quit trying. I guess I just don’t know how to quit! We did do Keegan’s neuro-psych eval. Pretty much everything we already knew, of course another title, name/diagnoses is slapped on him of, “Specific Learning Disorder”. He has learning disabilities, hence forth the special ed. and an IEP, we’re on it! The exciting part of that eval. is that he has a very high IQ, so his ability to learn is there, AMEN!
Onwards…
First, if everyone could just do one thing, okay maybe two! 1) Pray, pray for the bullies – so that they receive the love and support and the help that they so deserve to move forward! 2) And, pray for God to lay the path for us so we can see the direction he’s sending us on. (BEFORE I go crazy! I’m hoping and praying it’s the path I’m working on, but of course it’s all up to HIM.) Amen.
I have been at a loss for words lately, at a loss for everything really, just lost. Not sure what to do, where to begin or where to end. Upon praying for answers and for the path to be laid I came across this today:
“The heart of the human problem is the heart of the human”.
It's kind of a lot to think about and you have to read it several times, but that is so powerful! I love Max Lucado! I read that and instantly it deeply resonated with me.
The bullying has now gotten so bad in the last week that it has now moved beyond the bullies in school and into the community. We’ve been told by some pretty, hmm...to be polite and to keep it classy let’s use the words,“well-known” members of the area. We’ve been harassed from anonymous phone numbers, we’ve been told this is a private matter and it needs to be kept quiet. Why do you want me to be quiet? Do you have something to feel guilty about??? So, pretty much what you’re saying is because you’re a somebody and I’m a nobody, then shut my mouth, sweep it under the rug and go away. You don’t know me very well, I’m proud to be a NOBODY! This NOBODY stands up for her children and believes in the TRUTH.
Two years, this has been happening for 2 YEARS. I’ve calmly and with class brought this to the attention of those in charge. I did this appropriately, I did this collectively and with respect in a very mature manner. When we arrived at our meeting yesterday morning this was the “first they were ever told about it”. That’s really interesting to me. Hmm…okay, I looked in the mirror because I washed my face before bed and I DID NOT see the word STUPID written on my forehead. Both the sheriff and the cop encouraged a restraining order. I DON’T WANT THAT, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HELP THESE LOST SOULS. So the "plan" is the school is "going to do something about this". AWESOME, there's 6 1/2 days left of school, hmm...summer vacation, time off of school, no kids to bully, new school year starts over, what ya think is gonna happen come fall? Oh no, not to my kids it ain't, but to somebody's child it certainly will.
How does one change things in a school so that we can make a difference? Thinking, thinking…well, maybe if “I” was on the school board, “my” kids would get a little more support? Hmm…Nah. EVERY child should be equal, no matter what title or role in this world that you so carry.
Anyways. The cop was supposed to be at this meeting and wasn’t because of a “conflict of interest”. Hmm…wonder what that’s about. Isn’t it your job to serve and protect EVERYONE? I guess the victims are not the priority, it’s about who you know. It’s good to have those connections, it really is, but there is an honesty to uphold. I guess that’s why nothing ever works out in our favor, we’re just too damn honest. I will never get anywhere in my life, at least not here on earth because I won’t lie and be dishonest to get there. This life is nothing. I am not here for you, I am here for me and mine. I have sins too, I have many MANY, but I only have ONE JUDGE. And HE is all that matters.
ALL DONE. I HOPE these bullies are happy with themselves and can live with their soul for making this so bad for my kids that they couldn’t even finish out the school year. All 6 ½ days of it. I cleaned out their lockers/desks and gathered any belongings left behind. One of Keegan’s classmates showed me to his locker. This classmate asks, “Where’s Keegan today”? I say, “He’s at home”. I ask, “Are you his friend”? Classmate says, “Yes”, with a smile. I ask, “Do you like Keegan”? Sweetest child ever says with a smile, “yes”. NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR. I am angry, sad and in awe that I had to do this, but I can’t and will not send my kids back into hell for 6 ½ more days. Monday night we talked and prayed about it and how they’d feel if they didn’t finish or if they wanted to try and stick out. Mikhail says, “I just want to see my teacher, but I don’t want to see the bullies anymore”, and then his tears came. Tuesday morning before we left for "OUR" SCHEDULED meeting, yep we were there when we were told to be, Keegan came up to me and asks, “Mom, do you want to know what it feels like inside when a bully bullies you?” I said, “What does it feel like?” Keegan says, “soaked”. Totally confused, I asked him, “What do you mean soaked?” He says, “I’m soaked with sadness inside” and he turned away crying.
Every kid loves the weekends off. Friday’s are great, even Saturday’s, but by the time Saturday about supper time hits you could just see the change in the boys. I can’t explain it, but you could just see the heaviness upon them. Then there anger and aggression would start, they dreaded “church day”, because they knew that after “church day” is Monday and Monday means school and school means bullies. At the end of the day Tuesday you could just see it, again unexplainable. It wasn’t because they had “the day off”, it was much different than that. They were different, like a heavy weight was now lifted off their shoulders. They were free, finally FREE from it all and safe.
We’ve been doing school at home, yep they love me for that! I asked the boys if they miss their friends and both have said, “Some, but its okay”. I ask, “Do you want to go back”? Both say, “NO”. They both had some friends, but they both really just miss their teachers. They just want to see them again, it breaks my heart. I will say, both boys have, oh wait past tense, “had” AMAZING teachers. Both boys want to go back one time, not during school, but they want to say good-bye to them and their drivers. I cannot say one bad thing about them, they are wonderful and whatever they get paid, it isn’t enough because the teachers they "had" this year are worth so much more…
When your kids come home from school and you ask, “How was your day”, and they say:
“I’m fine”, it MIGHT really mean: “I’m not fine. Please help me.”
“I’m just tired”, it MIGHT really mean: “I can’t take this anymore.”
“I already ate”, it MIGHT really mean: “I starve myself.”
“Go away”, it MIGHT really mean: “Show me you care enough to stay.”
“I’m just cold”, it MIGHT really mean: “I don’t want you to see my scars.”
“I’m better, I promise”, it MIGHT really mean: “I’ve never been this sad.”
“I’m okay”, it MIGHT really mean: “I just want to die.”
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and my kids are depressed. How does that saying go? Something good always comes out of something bad or a positive comes a negative. I don’t know, something along those lines. Well AMEN, I lost 6 #’s in the last 6 days or was it 7, I don’t know? Don’t get me wrong I’m excited, because it’s time to get rid of it, but I really don’t like the bully diet!
To the Jayden's, the Keegan's & Mikhail's in this world; I encourage you to not only stand up for yourself, but stand up for others as well. Don't ever become your bullies doormat. Fight back, be you, ALWAYS be YOU. Don't ever be quiet and walk away, be loud and be proud of who you are and who you'll become. You are loved and you are amazing and don't ever let anyone tell you different.
“Bullying” is something I’m told that “isn’t tolerated”. So bullying polices are put into place to make everyone “feel safe”, right. So what is a bullying policy? Oh, oh, pick me! Pick me!!! I found out the answer to that! Definition: - just words on paper. Okay, so you actually have to implement it if you want it to have real meaning, but I’m a nobody so it might not actually apply to people like me and mine. I’m not sure, I guess maybe I missed the stipulation page or the fine print. There’s always exclusions in life! I’m sorry, Lord please forgive me, we’ll discuss this Sunday morning, that whole paragraph was maybe a bit of sarcasm, but you just lit a fire inside me so God Bless your soul!
