Keeping Animals In Recovery KAIR

11/01/2024

Slow drivers 😂😂😂😂

11/01/2024

facts 😭 that’s not for us 🥱

11/01/2024

Hell yes!

11/01/2024

Be HER voice and give her the freedom she always wished for … it’s the hardest thing to do but such a gift for your inner child 🦋

10/31/2024

So what causes memory loss with CSA survivors? .'Actually the memory is there but due to dissociation during trauma it gets ‘misplaced’…. The Body Keeps the Score book explains this so well.

When I say misplaced thats kind of a broad word for a complicated result of childhood sexual abuse. For me most of my memories were out of order and all mixed up. None of my flashbacks made sense because there was no consecutive order to them. But I can tell you that each flashback set me into survival mode even though I didn't understand that for many years.

In an effort to 'fill in the blanks' I requested my out of state school records and locally so that I at least have a timeline of cities I lived, teachers I had (cause I could only remember maybe 3 from kindergarten till 8th grade), addresses for the many apartments we lived as well as reports cards.
Even after getting these records I still couldnt recall these teachers names. I'm looking at the names and trying to picture them and can't! The addresses helped though for my timeline of events which was a good thing.

I asked my husband to tell me about his school years before we met without explaining why. He went on and on with so many details about teachers, lunchroom ladies, friends and even classrooms. He described it so vividly. It blew my mind and brought me to tears. Even with the paperwork in front of me I couldnt remember details of school like that. It's like I just existed through the days, weeks , months and years.

As the flashbacks , night terrors and body memories unfolded I started journaling everything! Even if it seemed insignificant. Thats som**hing I had never done before starting my journey but has proven to be such a great tool!! I would have memories pop up during my time journaling as well so sometimes I would have to stop let the memories flow and continue the journal entry.

Through a lot of hard work in counseling sessions , homework and piecing things together, eventually the happy memories trickled in. Now I can remember a few of my elementary school friends and the schools I was in.
Piecing the trauma together is painstaking but finding the good memories was a rewarding bonus.
Children whom are abused over and over will go into survival mode. Dissociation is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing to the child suffering but a curse for the adult trying to make sense of the blocked memories unfolding without warning.
C-PTSD never has a warning but with hard work the reoccurrence will happen less and less. A survivor can regain the power her or his perpetrator(s) stole from them as a child.
I took my power back by first using my voice. I am no longer a victim!
I AM VICTORIOUS!!! I AM STRONG!!!
I WILL NEVER BE SILENT AGAIN!!!
~Jennifer Michelle

10/31/2024

October 2017 I found my voice... so I share my pieces of me for all of the voiceless victims still trapped in silence. I never tell it for pity, I only tell it for inspiration and hope. Of course by doing this , my healing continues and I thrive like never before. Secondly I hope to educate others with a first hand experience of trauma at the hands of a p€do.
This is how we expose the monsters game plan.

IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT!!!
Repeat that again!
I didn’t realize how much guilt I had till we started peeling back the layers of my childhood sexual abuse! For the first year of therapy I would say things that would lay the guilt and blame on myself , my T would catch it and immediately say to me “it was never your fault” sometimes I’d melt into tears but sometimes I’d just freeze because I couldn’t understand what he was saying. IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT! Such powerful words that I couldn’t say to myself and mean it. That first year I barely touched on much of my history of being abused. My T worked constantly on getting me to release the guilt I carried... at times I thought”ugh ok it wasn’t my fault , I get it!” But I really didn’t Believe it in my heart. Down deep I still carried this guilt. To this day I still catch myself feeling guilty.
This is a DIRECT RESULT OF GROOMING!

I wanted to tell! My god I wanted to tell every day, every conversation with a friend, every visit with family , every time I laid in that bed ,in pain feeling hopeless! I was frozen with fear! First he would tell me how much he loved me, would protect me and proud of me. Then as I got older and my instinct would tell me som**hing seemed wrong about it all he’d start saying ,”it’s ok , this is how daddy’s play with their little girls, I’m not going to hurt you trust me.” This shifted from bad to worse. One phone call from a teacher concerned that I was being abused by “someone” changed the narrative completely “ if you wouldn’t try to get attention from everyone, I wouldn’t have to do this to you!” Back then mandatory reporting didn’t exist and I fell through the cracks. I tried to stay invisible at school but then the 5th grade I got pulled aside by a teacher about the same thing but I lied and lied well because he’d mastered setting fear into me! He threatened me ,my family, my friends and me! I never told an adult besides my mom because I was scared! So I changed my approach at school , I became silly and always smiling. Seemed normal enough and I wore that mask well. But when I got home it was the Hell I was hiding , faced me again.
If you know someone who’s confided in you that they were abused, NEVER ask why they didn’t tell, why they didn’t stop it! It’s never that easy and you’re only placing the blame on the survivors!
IT WAS NEVER OUR FAULT!! Pedophiles treat this crime as their craft, their art ,their mission ...careful in every move to win the child over so he can use her/him for as long as he /she wants! Listen with sincerity and respect their bravery to open up! That alone is the scariest part of coming out of this horrible nightmare! If someone told you then you should feel honored that they trusted you with that!
Never for pity but for validation! 🦋

10/31/2024

10/31/2024

A piece of me explained:
This is so true! This was me for years and I remember this sadness. To know someone sees your struggle and asks nothing is heartbreaking. Yet as a survivor Ive learned to be invisible even when I knew was not. It's just easier to pretend to be invisible. However everytime this happens I would go deeper within myself. It's a lonely world to live like that.
Since my healing journey I've learned that with people I know I'm safe to open up too... I'll say the words. "I'm struggling.... I'm depressed... I'm triggered ... I'm anxious etc etc.
My circle has been those people that I can open up too. I'm thankful to have each and every one of them. It's so refreshing to open up without being judged for my struggles and hard moments. They understand it's not not ever was som**hing I chose or choose to live with. It's my reality.
On another note I don't expect anyone in my life to tip toe around MY triggers , MY cPTSD , My moments. Those are up to me to take my power back. So this is my mission in life... to take my power back and spread hope to others to do the same. ~Jennifer Michelle

10/31/2024

Years ago after only in the early stages of my healing journey I had a deposition to do. I had never had to do one before so I really didnt know what to expect. This was a suit for a wreck because their insurance was trying to avoid paying the damage they had done.
I wasnt nervous for this cause I had nothing to hide and had been nothing but honest from the jump. What I didn’t expect was their attorneys to drag up my CSA into the deposition. Yep, they got dirty.

I knew he was gonna ask me personal questions as others had already warned me. What was a kick in the gut was the following when he asked if I finished high school...”no”
What grade did I get to..... ‘10th”
What age did I leave home....”16”...then....... can you tell me why did you leave home at that age?........
I felt all the blood leave my face and my stomach twisted in knots...
I looked toward my attorney and he nodded to answer..... I looked back at the other attorney and with tears welling up in my eyes with a huge lump in my throat I abswered ...” I was sexually abused....” it took so much at that moment to not break down. I didn’t even know this guy or these other 3 woman in the room with us. My heart was racing and I felt humiliated.....my god they probably think I’m so pathetic! My attorney then asked to move on from this as it has no bearing. Their attorney flipped through multiple pages before proceeding with the next question.
My God , was he gonna grill me on my traumatic childhood and stuff I post here for a wreck?? I was stunned at how many pages he thumbed through.
I managed to pull my boot straps up and knuckle through the rest of the deposition. Yet that kept creeping back in my head.
My attorney said I did great and apologized for their dirty tactics. I felt numb inside. I couldn’t help but to sit in my truck while stuck in traffic and ask myself why the hell after almost 2 years of therapy was I still feeling humiliated?? We address this almost every week that it’s not my fault...not my shame...yet there I was completely exposed and humiliated.
So I decided to text my therapist ( I’m sure he cringes by now when he sees I’ve texted him...AGAIN) I asked him the same Thing.... his response has been rolling through my head all afternoon .....
He says to me:
“FEEL EMPOWERED!!
Most woman who have gone through what you have is a m**h or he**in addict or dead. Don’t feel humiliated. You’re a survivor...”
That was so powerful! My years of anguish and humiliation turned to tears of pride for myself.

I am a survivor! I’m grateful God blessed me with a family that loves me. Im grateful I never caved into self medicating or gave up!
I survived my perpetrators abuse !! This should be honored not shameful.
I think of his words everytime I feel defeat or shame tries to creep in.
FEEL EMPOWERED!!! Don’t feel humiliated. You’re a survivor!!

➡️. On another note.... my message to lawyers who stoop to shaming a child trauma survivor or victim.... you are as dirty as the perpetrators!

10/31/2024

This was me last year after a huge disappointment.... had to reshare 😢😢😢
please read, share and get angry for the children still trapped in their personal Hell.
Do you know what it's like to be in a room full of people and feel as if no one can see you? Do you know how it feels to be the child that tells of her/his terrible dirty secrets, secrets that were never supposed to be told? Do you know how it feels to be that brave child that finally gets the guts to tell those secrets and nothing changes??
Unfortunately I do….I know exactly what that feels like along with far too many other SA survivors. To be forbidden to tell those secrets and finally bravely speak up only to never be rescued is a layer of trauma on top of trauma.
After years of no one protecting me, I would learn that I had to be my own warrior in the unfair battles amongst grown men. Yes men as in plural. I learned that telling my dirty secrets only made it worse so I shut my mouth and became invisible. Thats what I felt like anytime I was in a room full of people….invisible. As a little girl my mind would question how no one could see my pain. I would question how many knew and did nothing. I would question if I was crazy, if I was whiney, maybe it really is normal and I’m being a big baby.
In recent months I’ve heard so many…too many stories of other victims or their family members that did their part to report and got no where. My heart breaks with each story because I know how they feel. I know what’s going through their minds. I know the feeling of worthless, helpless and defeated. It angers me that decades later were still seeing this over and over. When people say it was never this bad I remind them that the only difference between now and then is we have social media exposing what used to be hidden, never mistake that. It was always bad, we just see it more now. Yet nothing changes. Nothing improves the way we handle childhood sexual abuse. The perpetrators have more rights than the children.
Last weekend we had an election that I hoped would be a second chance for our kids to finally be heard in our community. It didnt happen and after a while of choking back the tears I fell apart. I exited that event to just have my moment. That moment turned into hours of sobbing. Sobbing for every child left invisible. It just depleted me. I’m still battling the tears because its just sends such an awful message to all these kids that have been abused. Im still praying for God to intervene and bring light into the darkness of their suffering. To bring them rescue and safety again. My heart is with these kids I’ve never met but I know their pain so well.
Until people wake up and stop sticking their heads in the sand nothing will change. Until communities unite to be that change then our children are forever vulnerable to these sick twisted perpetrators. This election was a big ticket statewide and local. Governor, Parish presidents , sheriffs and councilmen yet only
40 % of our parish showed up to make their vote count! That’s embarrassing and lazy as Hell!! I guess a football game, fair and festival outweighs a damned election. Shame on the 60% that couldnt find the time. I hope they sleep well at night knowing they voted by NOT voting.
The battle is lost but the war is not over. We can't give up on our children! Please join me in speaking up in your communities about CSA! We have to be a voice for the voiceless. Adults have to protect the children and children should never have to lay in their beds at night waiting to see the bedroom door creep open or being dropped off to their next secret game. Please stand with me and be heard!!
I am a strong person but its failures like this that brings me to my knees. Actually TBH I was curled up a fetal position balling my eyes out uncontrollably! There’s nothing more painful to my heart than knowing more could be done but it's not happening.
Children deserve better dammit!
Can we at least agree to that!?!
There’s power in numbers so lets become that!!

10/31/2024

October I celebrate my voice! I share the pieces of me, my story and my healing to inspire others.
READ…..SHARE….BE AWARE
I wish NO ONE had to experience the theft of their childhood sexual abuse or in**st. ~Jennifer Michelle
The abuse I experienced as a child was my normal. I knew it didn’t feel right and that I was different from other kids. I would watch other children with their parents or Children playing with their friends always thinking I was just different. I often wondered if the other kids, teachers and neighbors could see the sadness inside me. I did have 2 teachers, one in the 3rd grade and one in the 5th who asked questions. Thinking I was in trouble, i covered for my abusers. Back then their was no mandated reporting so me covering for my abusers went no further in that conversation.
For years as an adult I questioned why no one could see my pain. Then as the memories flooded in , came those 2 teachers. They saw it but didnt know what to do from there once I lied. Now looking back at the conversations, I remember not being able to look at them, full of shame and fear. I remember twisting and fidgeting the whole time itching to escape that room and conversation. I wanted to tell them! My God I wanted to blurt it out ! When my third grade teacher approached me I didnt yet understand what to tell her since I was still not informed that this was wrong. When my 5th grade teacher approached me several weeks after an awareness poster and a school mate/ friend informed me that I should tell if these thing happen to me. Those teachers saw som**hing and sensed it enough to pull me aside and ask me the questions. But my perpetrator groomed me so well that I thought I would be in trouble with him. He groomed me to protect him instead of myself. He groomed me to believe I was dirty and it was my fault because “I liked it.” I never liked it but he would tell me over and over he knew I did and thats why he would do the things he did. This is what I was so afraid my teachers would see or think.
When I see stories about the person you were before the abuse, I realize I only have pre CSA at 5 and younger. Even then I was struggling with negligence/ abandonment from my POS birth father. I struggled with the on and off existence with my mother in my life that was always confusing.
Thankfully I did have amazing grandparents that I mostly lived with the first 7 years until mom married my monster.
There’s no do-over for a child’s childhood. Once their innocence is stolen, its gone forever. I’ll never get my childhood back, its gone.
However I will forever speak out for children for both awareness and to be a voice for the 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys who are voiceless at this moment. I will also speak up and out for adult survivors who havent found their voice yet. This takes an enormous amount of courage to do. I know this personally.

10/31/2024

Mark your calendars!
This is the only pre sale that we will be having before our purse bingo event on November 23rd at the BrowTine Event Center.
We have very limited seating left, so if you are interested in coming to the event, make sure to have someone at the Milltown Fire Department early!
We have a great event planned and you won't want to miss this!