06/29/2017
I got a chance to talk about you to some complete strangers. I was with your sister at White Water yesterday and waiting with some other moms for our kids to exit the water slide. I spoke of you and it filled me with so much joy and sadness. My doodlebug, I hate this life without you in it. It's lonely. I was watching all these kids and siblings and I just fell apart. So much that's been taken away. I can't picture what you would look like if you had never gotten sick. I think maybe as tall as me and so handsome like you always were. You'd be so goofy with your sister and friends and protective as well, this I know. I feel so sad for your sister. She lost all this time and years just as you did. She was supposed to have her big brother with her for always. She was so little when you got sick and missed out on so many years having a healthy brother. She doesn't say anything, but she's lonely. She's lost in our house and outings without you. I see her not know how to be around others and their siblings. Her eyes are fixated on them. She won't say, but I can imagine that she jealous of it. I know when she goes outside, she'd love to have you beside her and not in an angelic way, but physically here. Oh Collin. How. I wish I could talk to you and you could tell me what to do. Not what people think you would say, but I wish I had answers to questions and I never will. I'll always have unanswered questions and only half a memory as you hold the rest. Pieces that are forever missing from our puzzle. It's so hard to go and do when this part that is you is gone. Your voice, your presence, your memories, your thoughts, your touch, your laughter, your movements, your smell. You. Your gone and so is so many things. Doddlebug, I'm so sorry. Guilt will forever be with me no matter what anybody says. I can't help it. If I just took you to the doctors sooner. If I just ignored what the doctors said and say you up. It all happened so fast. Those last moments happened so fast. I can see each person and sound and movements and I can't get to you. They won't let me get to you. Three tries and I had to decide what to do. I'm so sorry baby. What if I was wrong? What if the fourth time worked? Guilt will always be with me. I'm so sorry son. Mommy loves you so much. Please forgive me!
