02/19/2026
I wrote this 5 yrs ago in 2021. It is still just as valid and was part of my journey through loss. I share it to encourage others who are just starting their journey. It always gets better.
HOW TO COPE WITH THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE
How Does One Continue
To Live On After the
Death of a Loved One?
That is a question that I have asked myself just about every day after the sudden death of my husband, Ekopimo Ibia (Imo) five years ago. I have had to wonder and ponder about it a lot because I had never considered my life without him before his death. I had known him and been with him all of my adult life till he died thirty two years later. In my psyche, whether good or bad, we seemed almost fused together, it was difficult to think about myself without thinking about him as being part of it. The more I have thought about it, the more I have come to see that I am learning anew the process of continuing to live every single day without him.
The most unhelpful way to handle a situation like this is to allow oneself to feel helpless in the grieving process and potentially think that there was nothing one can do to support oneself and family who are going through this. Research and my personal grief journey shows there are some simple strategies that are helpful. I wish to share this with you in a way that fits with the general theme of using our loss and grief of Imo for the greater good—just like Imo would have done.
Understand what you’re going through.
The first step is to update your understanding of grief, and bust some long-held and unhelpful myths. For instance, there’s little evidence suggesting we always go through the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance—made famous by the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler. Despite how well-known this framework is, bereavement researchers agree that the five stages model needs to be retired. They argue that it is too simplistic and does more harm than good, by making grieving people think these stages are common and then they judge their own experience if it doesn’t fit.
Grief is as individual as your fingerprint; it looks different for different people.
Just as every life is unique, so is every death and every person’s journey to assimilate that loss into a world where their loved one is no longer present. It is also important to know that when a loved one dies suddenly, loved ones are left to cope with symptoms of trauma as well as the grief of the tragic loss. This is a double whammy because one then struggles with both the grief of losing a loved one as well as the trauma of the very tragic circumstances surrounding the loss. In my case, I recall that my husband’s medical condition caused multiple syncope attacks with cardiac arrest. Because everyone knew that I was a physician, I was never asked to leave the room while he was being resuscitated during these episodes. In the heat of the moment, I did not think to leave either. For months thereafter, I had to work through the replaying of these very traumatic scenes in my head with the help of a psychotherapist.
Talk, talk and talk about it.
Talk about your loss and tell your story but only when you are ready. Do this without judgement, with the help of a therapist, trusted friends and even as part of a guided group like a grief share—a Christian church-based grief group. In using these settings, you are less likely to encounter the ignorance that many express in their comments in their attempt to be “helpful” after your loss. This is because “a central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss,” explains Bob Neimeyer, the leading researcher on the role of meaning-making in bereavement. Neimeyer’s work has demonstrated the importance of meaning-making through talking for adapting to the loss of a loved one over time. Talking through what has happened, going over the “event story” and the “backstory”—sharing details of the event and how much this person meant to you with a trusted friend—is an instrumental part of meaning-making. If someone you know is grieving, it is better to just give a listening ear and let them talk. Many grieving are usually desperate to tell the story of their loss. Avoid the temptation of forcing the person to talk if they are not ready but keep the invitation open by letting them know that you will always be available when they are ready. Resist the temptation of telling your own personal grief story except they ask you about it.
Build a legacy. Create simple rituals.
This is something that we can all do when we lose someone we love. Take some time to intentionally reflect upon their legacy by asking yourself these questions:
What did your loved one teach you?
How has knowing them changed you?
How has your thinking or acting changed for the better by knowing them?
What impact have they had on your life?
How do you behave differently now because of their life and also because of their death?
How can you commemorate that? What can you do to keep that legacy alive?
I remember that I refer to Ekopimo Ibia Foundation as “my mourning project” because it has helped me immensely to continue Imo’s lifework of service to other people. It has incorporated his work in pediatrics, infectious disease and public health as well as our faith and my work in psychiatry. It is uniquely ours and has helped me make meaning of the loss as well as provide comfort that I am continuing his legacy in every way that I can. The loss of my Imo has made my family and friends a priority in my life over anything else. Who knows when the good Lord will say my time on earth is done? Legacy building does not have to be as complicated as starting a charitable foundation as I have done. One can also go about it in less formal yet more personal ways. In our family, we do things Imo liked to do: Our sons wear bow ties for all formal Ekopimo Ibia Foundation events, I think about Imo whenever I cook his favorite Nigerian soups, Edikang Ikong and Efere Ndek Iyak. I even imagine what he would have said as he ate.
I keep our unique family traditions going. I have a walking trail that is uniquely Imo’s “long and short route” depending on how many miles he thought fit for the day’s walk. There are many other deeply personal rituals—too numerous to mention. I am sharing some of these to help you if you have lost a loved one, so that you know that there are uniquely personal ways in which you can keep their legacy alive.
One thing is certain, Imo would have wanted us to delight in continuing to do good to as many as we can in as many ways as we can. Like he used to say, “be like a postage stamp, stick to your envelope till it is delivered and your job done.” We are doing just that with our new mental health talk series to minority and faith-based groups.
Thanks for reading,
Itoro E. Ibia, MD, LFAPA
Sources
1. Lucy Hone, PhD, is an adjunct senior fellow at the University of Canterbury (NZ) and author of Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss that Changes Everything and the TED Talk 3 Secrets of Resilient People, one of the Top 20 TED Talks of 2020.
2. Robert A. Neimeyer is the author of Meaning Reconstruction & the Experience of Loss.
3. Joe Kasper, MD, is the author of the concepts of Co-Destiny, Positive Bereavement and the Bereavement Growth Cycle.
