08/16/2024
Not forcing an apology doesn’t mean there’s no limit or check in. We’re looking to create conditions where actual empathy and understanding can grow.
The purpose of an apology is to acknowledge and take ownership of how your words or actions hurt another person or people. A forced, fake or insincere apology, doesn't mean much to anyone and can also just build up resentment on both sides.
We can feel very pressured to get our children to "do the right thing" in these situations, but often our child is still stuck with their brains in "offline" mode and can't respond or if they do, it's very obviously not authentic.
It's okay to apologize on behalf of your child if you need to. The less pressure there is to have a kneejerk "Sorry" reaction and the more emphasis that is put (particularly through your own modelling) on apologies being heartfelt, authentic and reflective of having understood their part, the more your child will naturally make repairs when needed, and in a genuine way.
This topic can be hard for us adults who had it drilled in us to say "sorry" no matter what, but it's interesting to note what impact this has.
Do you say "sorry" automatically even if it's not your fault?
Do you find it hard to say "sorry" - is it harder when you know you're wrong?
Do you feel guilt/shame/discomfort when you owe an apology?
Do you find it easy to apologize to your children?
These are all interesting things to think about what you might have been taught and by whom.
Want to know more about how we foster healthy repair after rupture and how we encourage actual ownership? Comment "Sorry" below.
