A Mother's Journey Through Grief

08/30/2024

Today I wrote a note to a bereaved mother.
I wanted to say don’t believe all those sympathy cards. The ones that say “time heals” and “God only takes the best” and “may your sorrows be lessened.” You’ll only be disappointed. I wanted to say this is the most heart-wrenching, chest crushing, breath stealing tragedy on earth.

I wanted to tell her there will be days she wants to die, and friends who will not understand some of the things she does or says.

I wanted to tell her she will still feel her child’s presence at times, sometimes so strongly that it is as if they are dancing just at the edge of whatever activity is going on. And other times she might not feel their presence at all.

I wanted to tell her that her life will not go back, that she will never be the same, because a piece of her left with her child.
And that even though the pain does not go away, somehow her soul will eventually make enough room so she can hold it all– the grief, the pain, the joy and the love.

I wanted to tell her… but I didn’t.

Instead, I wrote this ~~~ I’m sending love, for words are pointless right now.
And that is the truth.

Beautifully written by Susi Costello 💛

04/21/2023

01/31/2023

67 days!!! The last 66 days have been very hard. Today I woke up feeling strong. Like heck yeah I can do this!!!!! I love you Ben Black !!! Your momma is a fighter and will make it!!!! I will never be one to say this journey gets better or is an easy one, but you can come out strong during it.

01/25/2023

2 months!!!! It has now been 2 months since my feet were knocked out from underneath me. I am still lost. I feel like an empty shell trying to become whole again. Only really there will be no becoming whole as you are gone. Still I have no answers as to why my son ( my beacon in the storm) was taken away at such a young age. I have nightmares still every night. Every night I relive the night you died. It starts with a message about an ambulance headed to my parents house. The knowledge that you were the only one home and the desperate need to get there to see what was wrong. I relive the drive on the freeway. I turn the corner to a street lite up like a Christmas tree with emergency lights. I feel my heart starting to race. I pull up and park next to a police car but behind the ambulance. I reach for the handle to my door and open it. Carefully get out while still in a hurry. I remember opening the gate to the yard. I walk past emt as they go out the yard. I climb the ramp to the front door. I see multiple people just standing around the living room. At this point I am both confused and scared. I walk in the door to the kitchen. Walk around the dinning room table. I can see you. There you are. I have almost made it to you. Still no one has noticed me there. No cop, emt, or fire emergency member has even realized that someone is there. I watch a few seconds and realize no one is touching you. No one is near you. I see the blood coming from your nose and know something is wrong. This is when I hear myself in a loud voice say "What the hell is wrong?" It is then that they all see me. I am standing at the edge of the living room just feet from you. A cop hurries over to me and pushes me towards door while telling me I shouldn't be there. He forces me out the gate. It is there that my nightmare begins. It is at that gate that he tells me what I never wanted to hear.

01/18/2023

53 days!!! It has been 53 days since you were walking on this earth with your Momma. Tomorrow it will be 54 days. That is how many days your Sister was with me on earth. So tomorrow you will now have spent as much time with your sister in heaven as I got to spend with her on earth. I wake up crying, I fall asleep crying. So far I can't find a way to get them to stop. I am angry and sad at the same time. I find myself wondering why God thinks I am this strong. This is a loss that has hurt me deep down into my core. I walk through each day not sure of what to do. There is so much I want to say but I can't. In fact, I still don't even have an answer as to why you are gone. Waiting for results is so heart wretching. Please watch over me Ben Black . I need your strength more then you know.

01/15/2023

51 days!!! It has been 51 days since I got the news. I am a changed person. My heart beats differently. I cry daily. I think of you constantly. I miss you every moment. I can physically feel the pain in my heart . I get told every day that I am strong and I just want to scream. If you only knew what is going on inside me. I put on that front that makes it look like I am ok but really inside I am broken and lost. I go through the motions but mostly my body is floating through while my mind is trying to catch up. I find times where I literally have to find my breath because reality keeps knocking the breath from my body.