10/11/2026
Sometimes the light inside me comes on, then fades before I even notice it’s gone. I’ll be sitting at a red light, caught up in some old memory, and suddenly realize my mind has been somewhere else. There’s a gigantic hole running straight through me. I didn’t feel it all at once. It crept in, little by little, until I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.
The other day, I caught myself smiling. I was thinking about your little feet in that hospital room, and that tiny beanie they put on your head. Then it hit me again: you’re gone, and yet somehow, you’re still here. I feel you beside me. Sometimes I feel like you’re inside me. I can’t explain it. I just know I feel you.
And then the guilt comes. There are moments I curse myself for choosing the streets and prison. For leaving your mom to figure out life on her own when she was still so young. Some days I wonder what you’d look like now. What kind of new friends you would have made. What would make you laugh. I can see myself smiling at that thought. You’re my oldest son. There’s a whole life I still catch myself trying to picture.
I wonder about the parents whose children were taken by violence. Do you get lost in your thoughts, too? Do you pull up at a light and realize you’ve been somewhere else in your mind? Do you pray harder, question God, or find your faith getting tested? Do you feel that same gigantic hole cutting through the middle of you?
If you’re carrying that kind of loss tonight, I’m praying for you. I pray your heart gets a little peace. I pray a real smile finds you, even if it only stays for a moment. And I pray you get a day when remembering doesn’t knock the wind out of you.
I don’t even know why I’m putting this out there. Maybe we all need a brain dump sometimes. A soul release party. A place to let the pain come out without feeling like we’re losing our loved ones all over again. Maybe it’s the rain and storms tonight. Maybe I’ve just got all this love still sitting in me with nowhere to go. I’d give anything to put my arms around you and share it with you, my dear Son.