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The Love List, Orlando, FL (2026)

02/01/2021

Hello Everyone!
It's been years since I posted on this page. Back in August 2017, 30 radiation treatments completely took me by surprise by how they knocked the wind out of my sails. I couldn't even write about it, even though I toyed with "Jenny's Journey to Jerky" as an update title. Instead, I got through the treatments, hid in my bed a lot, walked away from this page, and tried to get on with my life. Much happened - good and bad - life, loss, happiness and heartache. Anyway, yesterday reminded me of something important about former me, which I had forgotten: I am an Attitude of Gratitude Breast Cancer Survivor Warrior.
This is my handsome husband, Adam. (The sun was in his eyes, and he forgot to smile LOL 😀) Back in the day, we used to take family bike rides for miles and miles all over the place. The last time we rode Cady Way Trail was a few months before I was diagnosed with cancer the first time. We only made it from the Fashion Square trailhead to Cady Way Park, and I was physically spent - which was so weird. We had no idea at the time I was actually sick. Anyway, fast forward 11 years, 2 cancer journeys, and a lot of heartbreak. Adam and I decided to ride the trail again. I was nervous because I'm 55lbs heavier than I was, and didn't know how I'd do. Well - we rode from Fashion Square up to a little past Cady Way Park and back again - no problem! It was only 6.4 miles, but it was huge for us - to reclaim some of ourselves, and remember to always be grateful for what you have instead of mourning what you've lost. Anyway - life is hard, but it isn't always a struggle - so get out there and embrace it! Love to you all 💖

07/05/2017

CJ #2 - UPDATE #20
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE PAINFUL

Hello Everyone:

Today's update should be the last for awhile, so I'm gonna share some GOOD, some BAD, and some PAINFUL stuff...and explain why I selected the pictures I did. The first picture was taken almost 7 years ago, when I was first diagnosed... before surgery and treatment. The second one Adam took on Monday as I rang the bell. You get to do that when you finish chemo, which leads us to...

THE GOOD: I am DONE with chemo! Yay! Woo hoo! "Booya Grandma!" Seven months of suck finally sees me on the other side of it. My hair is growing back - which is hysterical to look at, BTW. I don't have enough to have a bad hair day - so I'm content to just have a hair day. I look like the sad side of a worn out bottle scrubber, but it's cool. I have 9 more months of Herceptin every 3 weeks, but by comparison - it's a cakewalk.

MORE GOOD: all the love and care I've received over these last "Seven Months of Suck" - from my awesome family and friends to my supergroovy doctors: Dr. Shah, Dr. Oxford for keeping me alive and going, Dr. Kolli for keeping watch over my heart, and Dr Khaky for removing the most unwelcome tumor, to the chemo nurses (and especially the volunteers Phyllis and Erica) to my supergroovy dog walker, Suzanne (you know how much Hans adores you!) to all of you guys out there - reading my dribble, posting encouragement, and praying for me. THANK YOU ALL!!!

05/23/2017

CJ #2 – UPDATE #19 IT’S BEEN AWHILE…
Hi Everyone:
It’s been several weeks since my last update. So much has happened that if I had been more diligent about posting my progress, you would have seen some if not clever titles, at least a couple of amusing ones. Since most of it’s passed, I’ll just bullet point the highlights and a couple of corresponding working titles. Here goes:
Since last update:
1) “Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A CROWN WITHOUT THE ROYAL TITLE?
A: A TRIP TO THE DENTIST” (ba ‘dum dum *silly drum sound)
One of my back molars broke around the filling. It was a pretty bad deal, so I broke a Chemo Cardinal Rule: “Thou shalt not have dental work done whilst in treatment.” Things were touch–n–go for a bit, but everything worked out ok. Kudos and much love to my dentist Dr. Reiter and his staff at Conway Oaks Dental.
2) “DING D**G THE DRAIN IS GONE!” (cue Wizard of Oz music)
If you don’t remember (which is ok) back in February, due to the eruption of Mt. St. Hiney, Dr. Mueller operated on my nether-yayeh and installed a drain. After spending the last 3 months as my most uncomfortable albeit necessary hitchhiker, my guest left one Monday along with my morning constitution. No “thanks for the memories” or “see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya” or anything… it just unceremoniously flushed away to Neverland. Well, that’s not entirely true. Since I have a septic tank, it’s currently residing in the back yard tank until it disintegrates or does whatever else the septic stuff does to move along to the drainfield. So good riddance! I can walk normally again! Yay! (not to be confused with nether-yayeh)
3) “Q: HOW DO YOU FEEL LIKE A QUEEN WITHOUT THE ROYAL TITLE?
A: LAVISH IN THE LOVE OF FAMILY" Many of you know that – except for the 19 yr. old who’s now thankfully gone – I have a totally super-groovy family. To make things even more super-groovy, due to a series of circumstances, my daughter and granddaughters have spent a couple of weeks at my house! This has been off and on over the last month, so it hasn’t been too hard on me. I’ve relished every moment. You know how much I adore my Peanut (Jocelyn the 2 yr old.) I’ve really been able to bond with Abi, the 5 month old as well. I’ve nicknamed her Cashew. 
4) “I FEEL LIKE KAKA’ - NOT THE SOCCER PLAYER” I’m keeping the pronunciation though, because it sounds much more eloquent than saying it the way you do to describe the stuff that comes outta one’s nether-yayeh. To date, thanks to the all the steroids, I’m bloated, sleepless, and pi**ed off a good portion of the time. Dr. Shah prescribed Effexor for me, which I took for a couple of weeks. Once I realized that I went from feeling everything to nothing, I took myself off of them. I may be a broom-riding witch for a bit longer, but at least I can own my emotions. Also – these next 3 weeks – ‘til I’m done with the Taxol I have to dig really deep, hang on, white knuckle, climb and scratch my way back – and I don’t think I’ll be able to do that if I’m feeling all “Kumbaya” about everything. Fortunately, my family gets and supports that. Oh – after I told this to my Internist, Dr. Oxford, she prescribed a few Ambien to help me at least sleep. Well, after I read the side effects of those, and don’t know if I’m gonna try them or not. I mean heck… based on what I read, if I happen to hit the mother-load of side effects one night – I could potentially bang Adam’s brains out, fix myself an after-glow snack, call a couple of peeps on the phone, and then take a drive… all without waking up! Oh geez and puh-leeze! Hard pass, for now. Thanks to the Taxol, I’m tired most of the time now (while sleepless – please see above,) numb in my hands and feet while at the same time experiencing 24/7 pins and needles in all 20 digits. You know that gawd-awful feeling you get when your leg or arm falls asleep and then you moved and woke it up? That’s called neuropathy, and for the last week I have it all the time now. I understand that in some cases the damage can be permanent, so I’m happy Dr. Shah lowered my dosage for yesterday and the final three. Oh – I’m also sporting a rash all over my face that’s spreading to my head… while my hair is starting to fall back out in small patches. The hair loss isn’t enough to shave my head yet, so I just look like I’m coming down with a hot case of mange. Awesome… or should I say arf, arf, arfsome.  Don’t even get me started on the friggin’ nailbed infections! Sheesh.
I think that’s about it for now – or at least all I can think of now. As always – thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the texts, calls, messages, cards, presents, thoughts, and especially the prayers. I do need to apologize to a couple of peeps whom I haven’t returned your messages. Brenda Cole – I should have called you back weeks ago, and I’m so sorry. I saved the message (still have it on my phone) thinking erroneously I’d return the call in a little bit when I could. Then I saved it and totally forgot about it. I just found it again in the midst of other message I need to return. I feel like pond scum, because you were so sweet – and I hope you forgive the chemo brain. Diane Walters – same for you. I’ll try not to wait so long before the next update.
Love and Pink Hugs,
Jen

04/11/2017

CJ #2 - UPDATE #18
PURE LOVE - (THIS IS A LONG ONE, SORRY)

Hello Loved Ones:
It's late, very late... actually by my 7pm bedtime standards these last few months... it's obscenely late!
Having some trouble sleeping. Seeing some dear friends of mine suffering. I'm suffering. Concerned / scared for our country... and whatever else that's on my mind tonight.
Sheesh.
In light of that, I decided to update this chemo journey, and focus on the greatest of all gifts : PURE LOVE.

I wrote about my experience with Pure Love during my last cancer journey 6 years ago. Any of you diehards out there want to scroll down this page "fo-evah" and find it - I invite you to do so. I listed it as Update #6 - Warrior in Training - Phase I Complete and the Raw Truth. It's a long read, bring Kleenex, but its' the truth the best I could write it.

Anyway, I find myself in the midst of all these things cancer / chemo / surgery / family related - and I fear above all else that I am getting depressed. In fact today, I had to go to chemo and face The Full Monty - Perjeta, Herceptin, and Taxol - the chemo cocktail which 2/3 of the way through last time won me a trip to the "ED." lol. Remember that update? :-) Needles to say I was scared s**tless.
I asked Jesse to come with me so Adam could stay home and care for Hans (he's injured.) Plus - Jesse's a clinician, so if things went south again, I knew he'd have my back and be there asking questions and not allowing himself to be shooed out of the room.
The "draw nurse" the one who accesses my port, looks at my orders, and then takes me to my chemo station, couldn't get return blood on her initial stick and draw. This whole process sucks because I have to numb the area with a generous bird dropping size of lidocaine cream/plastic wrap/tape an hour before stick time. Then I pray the nurse isn't too busy / grumpy / preoccupied to not spend the time to find the sweet spot and put that giant needle in my port. This is my 2nd port, which I had installed at the same locale as the 1st one. I thought it would save me from another scar and divet on my chest. The tradeoff for that is a compromised spot with tough scar tissue in place - hence a smaller "sweet spot" for the nurses, and more opportunities for pain. My bad.

Well, she sorta made me feel like the red-headed step-child in a few ways, and when she couldn't get the return draw it just got worse. I mentioned to her that I felt the stick (cuz she didn't go in the good spot.) That was the wrong thing to say. She said it DEFINTELY wasn't a positioning issue, and tried different things for about 15 minutes or so. I started to cry. She said she was going to put in an enzyme that "cleans the area" but would delay chemo about 30 minutes. With that, she marched me over to the chemo room, and left me to go find the enzyme. My chemo nurse, Julia, came in. I asked her if she'd try getting a blood return draw, and she said, "Sure." Guess what? Got it 1st try, in seconds. Whew!

Chemo starts, and I'm freaked out inside, worrying if it's gonna be okay. Julia tells me that Dr. Shah changed the order of the administration of the meds (I knew that) and that she ordered double doses of pre-meds (didn't know that.) Essentially those pre-meds allow my body to chill out and accept the chemo without issue. Plus ALL the nurses encouraged me to take an Ativan... and then another.So I did.
I seriously think they should change the pills' name from Ativan to Damnitol (lol.)

The dearest volunteers - Phyllis and Erica came around with their carts of beverages, coffee cakes, and love. I had asked if Phyllis was there today because she's one of those faces that makes chemo almost okay. She bakes many of the coffee cakes herself, and I swear to God that you can taste the Love in them! I guess Julia went to find Phyllis, because she came to see me. She told me what cakes she had, and I asked her which ones she made, and may I have a piece of those, so I could taste the Love. She gave me a piece of caramel toasted almond, and blueberry cakes, and a big hug. What a love. Pure love.

And while we're on the subject of Pure Love, I'll tell you why I'm posting the picture of my Jesse sleeping. He is sympathy sleeping with me. :-) You see, after I took the Ativans, and received the 1st round of pre-meds, I got very sleepy. Jesse took the ice chest full of ice blocks and frozen peas to freeze my feet and hands during Taxol, and used it for a foot rest. Then he did what any loving, sympathetic son would do, and went to sleep - so I could see how easy and comforting it was.

03/21/2017

CJ #2 – UPDATE #17
HOW I STARTED WITH A CHEMO COCKTATIL AND ENDED UP WITH ED

Hello Loved Ones:
I was scheduled to start my new chemo cocktail yesterday. Adam Castellaw and I showed up fully prepared with my “battle bag” filled with things to keep me warm, lotioned, chapsticked, hydrated, entertained, etc. We also brought a cooler with several bags of deep-frozen peas to help mitigate nerve damage to my fingers and toes. I don’t want to come out of this not being able to walk without a cane, play piano, or play guitar – all things very important to my quality of life.
Monday was very busy for 5-LP, but that was okay. I was scheduled to be there all day.
I want to mention here that since this was the first treatment of the new stuff, I received what they refer to as a “loading dose.” Essentially it’s a larger dose, administered slowly to ensure my head doesn’t pop off, or or my heart explodes - yes, hyperbole! Joking aside, bad stuff can happen, so they take great precautions. Finally the nurse started my 1st drug – Perjeta. After it finished, she waited an hour, as per protocol, and then started the Herceptin. I had Herceptin 6 years ago during Cancer Journey #1, and never experienced any negative side effects – and minimal heart damage – so I was cool with that. I note here that both Perjeta and Taxol are new to me.
Anyway not long after the Herceptin started, I began to sniffle. Then I began to sneeze. Then my hands began to quiver. Then I got worried and began to cry. Then I began to shake and shiver all over. Then I went into what they call rigors. Although I’ve never had one, it’s what I imaged a seizure to feel like. Within seconds of Adam getting the nurse, an army of people filled the room and hallway… things became blurry. I saw my blood pressure reading almost 200, felt mild chest pains. Then all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. That freaked the bejeezus out of me. Somehow I screamed, “I can’t breathe!” and then my throat closed up. That freaked the friggin’ fracken beejezus out of me. I remember in the midst of all of this the nurse saying something like, “I’m going to give you a lot of meds right now.” I don’t even know what all they gave me. I know there were several pre-meds originally intended for possible allergic reaction to the Taxol (which BTW: I never even got to) as well as Demerol, Zofran, and other stuff.

Holy Crappy Reaction, Batman!

Among the hospital staff and equipment that showed up I saw two techs and a gurney to take me to the ER – which at some point in recent history became the ED.
Okay, okay… I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t call this out. WHAT GROUP of corporate suits, pencil pushers, and marketing folks thought it was a good idea to use the abbreviation ED on everything after they changed the name from Emergency Room to Emergency Department?!?!? Did they not think that through? Do none of them watch or listen to mainstream media besides the Disney Channel? Why not EMER DEPT, or EMER D, or EDPT on at least the nametags if space is an issue? Why in the sam hell would an entity as huge as Orlando Health use those particular initials that are commonly used conversationally and in advertising for Erectile Dysfunction? Google those initials and see what comes up. Then again maybe I’m the only middle aged middle-schooler in town, but I doubt it. Lol 
Anyway – enough of my tangential rant. I do hafta tell ya that it amused me during my last couple of trips to the ED to see that on both my grown son’s and husband’s chests for God and everyone. AND – that was the only bit of humor I could find out of this latest debacle. I am pumped full of drugs unknown to me, so I am therefore unsure of which side-effects I should be trying to counteract. I know Perjeta’s common one is diarrhea, which in my current state of affairs would be fine for a little bit. However, I fear that because of the Zofran and other mystery meds, constipation dances around my innards malevolently laughing at my degraded state.
Instead of “Waiting to Exhale” as the late, great Whitney did, I sit here
“Waiting to Expel.” **sigh**
I also need to call my oncologist today, make an appointment, and find out the Where-do-we-go-from-here plan.
A final – and yes – another tangential note before I finish this update. This journey provided me with a wake-up call.
Now I have many loved ones out there who I KNOW are gonna bristle at what’s coming. Please don’t. Just hear me out and please understand, ok? This is actually a good marriage life lesson.
Many of you know that my husband Adam is 17 years younger than me. Depending on one’s life outlook, reactions to that age span range anywhere from “you go girl!” to “so” to “it’s just a number” to “what?” to “scandalous!” Fifteen years ago, I was 60 lbs skinnier, in great shape, no cancer, working a fairly high-profile professional position within our company, and by many standards a darn good-looking woman. So yes – when it came to Adam, I scooped him up like a true-blue cougar! Lol. Truth be told though, we scooped up each other. I’m sharing this because more and more during this 2nd cancer/chemo trip medical staff ask him or me if he’s my son! Oh geez – under normal circumstances I’d say “Just kill me now!” but that’s not funny today. What it is though is a realization that I’m not that lady anymore. I don’t need to be, and I'm cool with that – I know Adam loves me deeply. What I do need to be though, is the best that I can be – each and every day. I need to strive always for the best health that I can achieve with what my circumstances will allow – and don’t be afraid to test my limits…not stretch my limits – just test them, and then go there. That means lose weight as it’s safe, exercise every day – whatever I can do – do it. This chemo is trying it’s best to kick the crap out of me – but good Lord – I refuse to come out of it looking like Granny from Beverly Hillbillies – even though apparently I’m on my way!
So that’s it for now. I’ll let you know the plan once I find out what the plan is.
As always – thank you for everything – and please keep up the comments, notes, prayers, likes, little heart emojis… whatever you can to let me know I am not forgotten.
That’s a bigger help than many of you will ever know!
Love and Pink Hugs,
Jen

03/11/2017

CJ #2 - UPDATE #16
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

Hi Everyone:

So, in short, chemo has been delayed yet again, bringing me a full month behind our original "schedule."

I told you all that the surgery to repair Mt. St. Hiney left me with a drain, which heretofore I name my turquoise f***y-pack jewelry.
Eww... but whatever. It's gonna be with me for months

My oncologist feels it's better for me to take another week to heal, so when I begin my new chemo cocktail I can commit to the full regimen.
She explained that I run the risk of my cancer developing a resistance to the Taxol if I start, get sick, stop, and then start again - somewhat analogous to developing a resistance to certain antibiotics.

Among that and the other ingredients of my "Suck-it Stew" dished up to me at yesterday's Dr. appointment, I also found out that I can't be in the sun between the hours of 10am and 3pm while on this drug.
Yep - spring and start of summer in the what... wait for it...
The Sunshine State! Sheesh!

What does this have to do with my real estate references in the pictures you ask?

Well, I was b*tching and complaining to my brother, Thomas Bright... whom I LOVE - about how hard this stupid surgery has been on me, how miserable I am, ya-dee-ya... just really laying it on.
You know what he said to me?!? (this was via text, but I'm pretty sure he had a straight face, tongue in cheek)

"Well, Jenny, I guess it's like real estate...
Location, Location, Location."

All I could do was laugh.

As always, thank you for everything.

Love and Pink (and turquoise) Hugs,

Jen Radloff

02/28/2017

CJ #2 - UPDATE #15
PAINS, DRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES -yes I'm a silly hack

Hi Everyone:

This is the Attitude of Gratitude Kid here to thank EVERYONE for your prayers, comments, well - wishes, cards, and other assorted super-groovy things such as coloring kits to keep me busy, delicious food to feed the fam, and hand crafted soaps, lovingly made.
Adam Castellaw and I are constantly in awe at how amazing and generous you all have been with your time and love. Please know we appreciate it all. Thank you!!

So... yesterday I had a date with Dr. Mueller and the operating table.
After I woke up from surgery, Adam told me that she cleaned out the abscess, determined that I am in fact housing a lovely fistula, and installed a drain... hence the one pic.
It's sort of a tongue-in-cheek nod to the color of the rubber bands hanging from my nether-regions. I understand they will be my house guests for the next couple of months. Yay.
I guess I'm a blue ribbon winner of a most fantastic f***y.
The good news is that this morning when I awoke, I realized I felt better than I have in weeks. I didn't realize how much this stupid infection took it's toll on me. Sheesh.
I understand that this new pain I'm experiencing should only last a week or so, and then will be replaced with a dull irritation until the abscess heals and the bands go away.
I can live with that.
It kind of sucks that I probably face yet another surgery to deal with closing the fistula, but it is what it is.
Hopefully I'll come out of that one with my hiney intact... if you know what I mean.
Without going into all the minutiae of dealing with the aftermath of this type up surgery, suffice it to say I'm essentially house-bound for the next several days.
If anybody wants to play a game of cards or something, please let me know. :-)
Providing all goes well with this, then chemo will resume on March 13th.

As always - and again - thank you, Love, and Pink Hugs,
Jen

02/23/2017

Cancer Journey #2 - Update #14
JENNY MEETS THE COLO-RECTAL DOC
or -
FIFTY SHADES OF BROWN
- or -
MY BUM IS REALLY SAD

Hi Loved Ones:
I'm too freaked out right now for much humor beyond the above title. I've been working on part of it for a couple of days prior to this morning's doctor appointment, all in good fun, and totally unprepared for the exigency of my current situation.
Ergo, I'll be brief.
But hey - thoughts as to the title? Silly? Too much? Just enough?Anyway,Mt. St. Hiney's eruption a few weeks ago left me with a localized infection, to date not cured by multiple doctor visits, 3 rounds of oral antibiotics, or continuous cleaning / topical treatments.
Today I went to see the specialist who delivered the awesome news that I have an abscess up there, (or down there, depending on one's perspective) most likely a fistula, and will require surgery ASAP. Additionally, I may be sporting a drain there for up to a couple of months.
Oh - and chemo's delayed for at least two weeks.
Really?!?!?
Well this is a colossal pain in the butt - pun intended.
My entire medical team's concern is the fact that an active infection abides in my immune deficient body.
Everybody says it without saying it - that if it hit's my bloodstream, I'm toast.
So - they scheduled me for pre-op tests tomorrow morning, with surgery on Monday. Since it's last minute, ORMC can't fit the surgery in until 2pm - but still no food or water after midnight Sunday - just in case there's a cancellation.
That's all I have for now. Please, please - send me your love, thoughts, prayers, comments, etc.
I'm gonna go hide in my bed for awhile.
Love and Pink Hugs,
Jen

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