09/24/2021
As advocates for domestic violence and abuse survivors, we have gained a lot of knowledge about patterns and red flags of unhealthy relationships and what to look out for. After many years of personal experience, through college classes and constant research as well as outreach, we have learned how to recognize many of the indications of violence and abuse in domestic relationships.
In the past few weeks our nation was rattled by the tragic events of Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie. As this case is still ongoing and under investigation, we can only make assumptions on some points based on textbook patterns and signs of abuse that we all have witnessed more times to count, but on other points we have facts to be aware of.
We also understand that this event has destroyed many families and we want to express our deepest empathy for everyone involved. Nevertheless, we truly believe that many survivors and/or victims as well as scholars and otherwise interested people can corelate with some of the following points or use them as good information to have. Our society needs a more drastic shift in the approach on how to deal with domestic violence and all the issues that come with it. We deeply hoped that after the Watts family murder in 2018 in Colorado, it would have gotten better but it seems like every time once the spotlight of the media is gone, so is the voice for everyone else out there. We as a nonprofit, are trying hard to not let that happen. But we need your help. Your input, your advice, your time and most importantly YOUR VOICE.
Let’s inspect some very important exemplars of the Petito/Laundrie case:
1.) Our nation was able to follow the young couple on Social Media, seeing two happy go lucky – always smiling – life loving individuals that seemingly were full of happiness. They were documenting their cross-country journey online, as so many young adults in that generation do.
- In most cases, the targets of DV and abuse become very good at masking their feelings to the world and smile through the pain.
2.) After an alarming 911 call on the 12th of August by a witness describing a physical altercation between the couple, Moab PD Officer D. Robbins pulled the white van over with Petito and Laundrie inside. Some viewers immediately assumed that Gabby must have had some sort of mental illness because she was sobbing and described anxiety and OCD, whereas Laundrie seemingly was nervous but steady.
3.) Other followers immediately jumped to the conclusion that both partners must have been at fault explaining it with the old myth – “it takes two to tango” and some even sided with Laundrie, saying that Petito must be the abuser.
- In most DV relationships, this does not apply as the target is being constantly conditioned and the perpetrator always seems caring and loving to mask their true intentions.
- Healthy people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. We get raised by the old saying, someone is innocent until proven guilty and with that being said our pattern is usually to side with the person who seems more “together” and we can understand that a mental illness can eventually bring victims and their friends and family to a breaking point. With that being said, we tend to empathize with the “loved ones” that seemingly do anything to help the target out when in reality they try to break the target just to build them back up and make them depend on the abuser.
4.) We must remember that we are not with the couple for 24 hours a day. And because of that, we do not see the full story unfold. From personal experience I can say that I tried and managed to keep things together, for a very long time. But once a certain point is reached the target will break down crying, yelling or screaming. With those behaviors some may think the target is going “crazy” or is mentally not stable and it is also normal for our brain to associate trustworthiness with the more stable person. That is the reason why “Victim blaming” can happen in the worse abuse cases.
5.) During the traffic stop with Moab PD, we can hear Petito explain that she has anxiety and OCD and that is why they are fighting. Immediately after separating the two subjects, you can hear Laundrie smirking about her anxiety and OCD and almost trying to sound like a patient and worn-out partner who endures his “crazy” fiancée and dismisses everything as a joke. With that he already got a certain picture in the officer’s mind. To the viewers it seems to be clear very fast, she is “crazy”, and he is the poor guy who must endure her irrationality and tries to help her. A typical abuser is very good at convincing people with his charm and charisma. He will try to convince you to be innocent of any wrongdoing while in fact he is acting VERY differently behind closed doors to his target. He will intentionally push his target to the point of an emotional breakdown and the more he sees that the target breaks the more he will do it. Abusers get “off” on the evidence of hurting their target. They enjoy the pain that they can inflict on their target. That is also why “cracking” the target is usually the focus from the beginning. It may take abusers only a few weeks or a few years. The are very tenacious and careful. They ensure to paint a perfect picture to everyone else in the target’s life such as friends, family even co-workers. But one thing is clear, the abuser does NOT stop until he breaks the target completely down, so that he then can point fingers and say: “see, I told you she was crazy! I am doing everything I can, but she is just going off the deep end”. And he will ensure that he has witnesses that see only the end part so that he can look like the savior. It will than start to happen more frequent. And that makes people buy into that narrative that couldn’t be more far from the truth. However, even the target through all that brainwashing, and conditioning will start doubting herself. And once it becomes more and more you do not know who and what to trust, so you trust the person that is doing all that out of love, right? Because a person that is so madly in love with you would never hurt you, right?
- This could also be one of the reasons you hear Petito in the Body Cam footage take the blame for everything and making excuses. Contrary to Laundrie, who blames her for everything, insisting that he never laid hands on her adamant that he was just trying to keep her calm in his charming way. Many survivors saw right through that easily. They saw the red flags popping up. Everything the abuser does to the target is the victim’s fault, they do not deserve better or deserve everything the abuser decides is right for them because DO NOT FORGET they do not trust themselves anymore and a loving partner will not mean ill with them. After many years of abuse, one will start covering for the abuser, accepting all the blame, and truly believing that the victim is at 100 % fault. Eventually, the abuser will recognize that he has his target completely broken down and then the cycle of “nobody but me will want you” or “you can be glad I am putting up with you, because look at you – nobody else will want to and will be able to handle your craziness” will start to keep reinforcing the “right” mindset the abuser wants the victim to have. By that time, most friends and co-workers have long turned away. And family often does not know how to help or if it is even true. Many victim’s (since they blame themselves to everyone around them too) have this corrupt mindset of – “if I only try harder, he will love me again, if I only do better, if I only …… “and so forth. At some point, the only reality the target knows will be that.
Those are all clear patterns and repetitions in an abusive relationship. And many experienced LE Officer’s can see right through this façade. Some do not. And some do not want to. During the video of the traffic stop by Officer Robbins of the Moab PD, we felt that he knew there was more to the story and took all the right steps. I can only imagine of how much guilt these officers are suffering right now but we all want to credit these officer’ and park rangers. In our eyes, they did as much as they could with the little info they had at that time. Its always easy to point fingers afterwards and pass the blame.
One more thing I want to clearly express, that in my humble opinion MUST HAVE BEEN prevented at al cost, was that nobody surveilled the ONLY person that came back home from a publicly documented cross country road trip of TWO people. He was clearly the last person Petito was seen with and had no explanation as to what, why and how. Even after she was reported missing. Too many valuable hours passed, giving him the opportunity to flea.
We must be clearer and faster in our actions! Sometimes, every second can count.
We are not licensed therapists, social workers nor chaplains or LE. We are simply a nonprofit organization that will do anything in our power to keep the light on this topic even when the spotlight of the media fades away.
