05/25/2018
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...
Often this happens… We face something that brings our emotions up to the point when we go into some kind of stupor. We don’t know what to do. We run into the state of hopelessness because we feel helpless to change anything… Often situation seems so overwhelming, that we don’t even think to change it and think that it is inevitable and we “must accept what is…”
But there is at least something you can do. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a saying: “When there is a will, there is a way”.
Helplessness is a familiar state to the most of the people. Many times during our lifetime, from childhood to maturity, we have heard “O, well… what can you do… This is how this is… This is life… Accept this… Nothing you can do…” And we push feelings of anguish, of compassion, of unfairness inside, learning – we are powerless to change anything and must accept the situation as it is. Therefore we develop so-called “Learned Helplessness”*.
Learned helplessness is really difficult to overcome. It’s a fear, that if we take an attempt to change an unwanted situation, we’ll not only fail, but will also be punished, and we’ll run into something even worse… This fear paralyzes our thinking, motivation and justifying mechanisms. Those, who’ve experienced it ever, know exactly what it is like.
It takes a while to change this pattern. And if you think, that you are experiencing it once in a while, please consider working on this issue with the psychologist or a life coach, because you know, how big of an obstacle learned helplessness is in your life, what limitations it settles for you and what does it stop you from doing…
However, there is something you can do even now, after reading this article.
Unlearn your helplessness step by step.
First of all – realize, that being helpless is not the only way people can feel in challenging situations. It might be easier to do this if you’d find a role model for yourself. Look around and notice those people around you, who don’t settle for less, who strive to find solutions and change situations. Those are the people, who you usually look up to, thinking:” – O, why I can’t be like that…” So, let’s see, how can you, really!
Look up close and try to notice - what’s different about those “life changers”, so we can model them and step by step bring ourselves to the changes we desire! Thinking:” If she or he could do this, so can I” changes your mindset on a level much deeper than you’d think. It introduces new successful pattern to your conscious and subconscious mind, sort of opens a window for a possibility of a fresh air to come in!
Here are some ideas of what steps you can take even now:
1) Recognize, define and stabilize your emotion. Emotion itself, although valid, cannot change much, except to bring your awareness about the situation. Once you felt it – stabilize yourself with rhythmic breathing, changing your focus to something positive or by changing your activities and doing something that would shift your attention to something else for a while to help you to calm down. Remember, that to act you need to be calm!
2) Get more information and search in books, newspapers, media, social circles, etc.
3) Assess situation. Are you sure, you’ve made a right judgment? Allow yourself time to think about it resourcefully.
For example, my friend Rashmi wanted to help her daughter to bring up her children. To Rashmi's opinion, her daughter wasn't doing a good job. She didn't have much access to what was going on inside her daughter's family, because her daughter has shielded Rashmi out as a result of Rashmi's constant criticism towards her daughter's choices. So, at some point, being frustrated and scared, against everyone advising her not to do so, Rashmi called child protective agency. When representatives came to the house, they found out, that Rashmi's grandchildren were doing just fine, loving their mother, who was really struggling to do her best in the uneasy family situation. This has brought the situation to the worst and set a conflict between Rashmi and her daughter and grandkids, which is very difficult to resolve.
4) Recognize all parties’ interests.
5) Think of the resources – people, who could give you advice, organizations, and companies which could do the work and help you.
Think, what can you do, what would be in your power. Remember – do what you can, not more than you can.
6) Bad situations don’t need to be accepted. They need to be changed.
There is always a way. You just need to think about it and make a realistic plan. If your plan doesn’t feel doable – it means you’ve missed a step or a component of the situation which need to be recognized.
7) Bring it up to a higher level. Sometimes all you can do – is pray. Prayer, referring to divine forces and asking for help and guidance connects us to higher levels of being, to our higher self. Sometimes we feel small, forgetting that we are not alone and our guardian angels are looking after us all the time, but they need people to ask them to be involved and be ready to hear them out and to work… And if you feel, that your prayers have not been answered yet - it means you might need to think if you want the right thing, if there is something you need to learn from the situation, if you phrased your prayer correctly, or if there is a work on yourself you still have to do... (Please see next article about this)
Please, keep in mind, that solution is always there, you just need to think and find it.
Being on your own isn't easy. We all need support and guidance, especially in the difficult moments. Please consider joining the FOUR program launched by New Life Programs recently.
* Learned Helplessness - a concept introduced by Martin Seligman - an American psychologist, educator, and author of self-help books. Since the late 1990s, Seligman has been an avid promoter within the scientific community for the field of positive psychology.[1] His theory of learned helplessness is popular among scientific and clinical psychologists.
By Marina Shanti
New Life Programs Director
Psychologist and Life Coach
