11/13/2019
Every Narberth Dickens Festival has a new edition of its newspaper, "The London Fish Wrapper", and every edition has a new front-page story about the troll under the Narberth Bridge. Here is the front page article from 2018:
"Developer’s Plans have the Whole Towne Abuzz.
Local Troll Weighs-in on City Planning.
Changes may be afoot for the towne’s skyline, as the newly-elected town Council members have been presented with plans for a “make-over” of selected blocks in our fair city. City Planners listened attentively to proposals put forth by plastic straw magnate, Dee Sposable, that would raze the former Ricklin’s Ironmonger Shoppe at Haverford and Essex, and the old whale-oil and kerosene lamp oil filling station at the corner of Haverford and Forrest Avenues (presently utilizing the pseudonym Cadence but obviously a Correctional facility employing tortuous calisthenic routines as a means of obtaining confessions). Ms. Sposable promised to increase the tax base by attracting a variety of businesses rather than the usual candle shoppes, to***co shoppes and Counting Houses that proliferate the center of towne. Citizens’ suspicions grew, however, with the developers’ vagueness when pressed to further define the term “Mixed Use”. They’re not foolin’ anybody!” quipped Ken Krivitsky. “Mixed Use” is just a code-word for brothels, pawn shops, and more nail salons and dry cleaners!”
In a seemingly obvious bid to win support for her project, the developer has offered to assist with the towne’s “Special Projects”, one of which is to address the crumbling Narberth Avenue Bridge, said to be the residence of a troll with a taste for cats and small children. Readers of this newspaper will recall previous stories run on the bridge troll, including his filing of an Injunction to stop the replacement of the failing bridge with a new, smooth-bottomed “troll-proof” bridge.
“Ahh! That old chestnut!?” scoffed the Troll. “They been sayin’ that fer what… ten years now? That ain’t happenin’— mark my words! They’ve been busy digging’-up streets here for the past 2 years lookin’ for buried treasure or somethin… look at this town! It’s a mess!” The developer has also offered to mediate an Agreement with the Narberth Avenue Bridge Troll whereby he would offer employment to the troll in exchange for the troll withdrawing his legal filings against a new bridge, and a pledge to stop eating the local pets.
Things quickly changed after retired Borough Manager Bill Martin brokered the meeting between the developer and the troll. A new collaboration between the troll and Ms. Sposable has now led to perhaps the most controversial proposal of all - a plan for the er****on of a new Narberth Ave bridge, with massive 213 foot towers, to match London’s tower bridge! This proposal so alarmed local residents, that mobs of protestors approached the bridge from both sides. The mob on one side was rallied by the politically active “Make London Better” coalition, while the other comprised mostly of “Keep London Brilliant” advocates, and Bruce Telep, who just wanted to check out what was going on. They shouted at each other for awhile across the span of the proposed new bridge site, hurling epithets across the span like “density”, “parking space”, “tax base” and “progress”. Caught up in the excitement of it all, local, Kimberly Bezak, loudly exclaimed, “Bicycle-safe Narberth!”. This quieted the crowd for a moment in confusion, and drew an audible chuckle from Tom DelMonte and Tom Rickards, who were thoroughly enjoying the spectacle from lawn chairs they had pulled up in front of that scraggly fence on the corner of Elmwood Ave. Eventually the two groups realized that everyone pretty much wanted the same thing, and all retired to The Greeks to have a pint.
Since the day of “The Great Bridge Kerfuffle”, as it has become known, recently appointed Police Chief Gallagher has taken a renewed interest in the Troll’s activities under the bridge. It seems that (in addition to shady plans for ruining the towne’s skyline), the troll has been smuggling contraband, including large stores of single-use plastic bags. When Mayor Deutsch sent Chief Gallagher and his team to investigate, in addition to a cache of bags, Officer Vernacchio also recovered several unopened boxes of what appeared to be leftover 1839 Oktoberfest mugs and a few dozen “Pope Crawl” plastic cups. When approached for comment, the bridge troll just shuffled off, shaking his fist and muttering, “bloody progressives” under his breath."
