02/27/2024
I am so angry! I learned some of the very, very early signs of Parkinsons. I do believe now, that Clyde has had the parkinsons perking under the surface the whole time I have known him, and this year we will have known each other for 19 years.
What a wonderful man I was allowed to meet, marry, and relearned what real life was and I became the happiest girl in the world. I'm glad that we've managed to have a lot of great experiences. He has never once raised his hand to me in anger, let alone to hurt me. He caught me everytime I feel, and I can tell you--I fell hard more than once or twice. As a matter of fact I fell so hard about 5 years ago. I drove away from my home, my husband, and my kids thinking that I would not be seeing them again. The plan was to drive into some mountain full of snow somewhere, and pray I ended up dead and wouldn't feel the buzz of the pacemaker as it continued to zap my heart again, and again. But, my fantasy came to an abrupt end because my car would not start. I had to get help to keep going. I called my good old guy, and he came running. He drove somewhere around 2-3 hours to get to me, that's how far I got. He talked me into dinner, and got us a room. I cried all night. But, he was there. He got me home. He snuck away to talk to my doctor about me. A few days later, the doctor pretended like he knew nothing, while asking me specific questions. It was obvious. I waited until I got and asked him if he'd told my dr. what happened. He tried to deny it with words, but his face and tone said it all. Guilty!!! He was taking care of me whatever it took.
The longer I have known Clyde, the more I respect, and trust him. He had boundaries, and he's made them clear over the years. The imperfect became perfect in my eyes. I can not say how much this man means to me. We are a team, we are in synch. It worked!
So, that was my reference for the man I married in 2005. I think the most important line I heard the day we got married was my precious pastor let me know that this was my first REAL marriage.
My spirit was lightend very much. I had a clean start--with a huge bag of issues.
So, why am I angry. Clyde spent almost eight full years in the Army. For his first post, the place he was sent for Military Police training was in Fort McClellan, Alabama. He was wallowing in dusty dirt, or muddy in the training he went through. This particular fort, was situated very close to Monsono and a creek where the company had dumped chemicals for decades. This place also stored barrells of chemicals. The chemicals were for training the young ladies how to recognize a chemical attack and what to do to take care of themselves. All of this mix of chemicals eventually made the EPAs list of our nations most dangerous chemical dump area in our Nation. Literally, Fort McClellon was number 1 on the list.
Clyde was during his 2nd tour of duty, stayed in Germany and was assigned to Nato Site 59. And there he guarded chemical weapons probably left over from Vietnam. He guarded VX and GB. Sarin and some other nerve agent. The guys knew that their doctor was measuring the chemicals in their blood. The government at the time classified this tour. When health issues started happening, Clyde kept asking if it was the chemicals he was around causing his problems health issues. He thought he had seen agent orange on that site as well.
I attached a screen shot. Parkinson's is one of the diseases that Veteran's affairs acknowleges that is presumed disease, and they will be fully responsible for caring for the veteran because of it's connectedness to his service in the military. Clyde won't qualify by by this presumption because he wasn't in Vietnam and the official window for that era ends in 75. Clyde went into the Army in 83.
Tell me this man does not have Parkinsons because he wallowed in a super dump site of serious chemicals, so serious was this place scullied there were studys of the town nearby, where babies born with disfiguration or other issues. Where wildlife studies proved that the chemicals were making the fish sick. At the time of the lawsuit when the city won the case against Monsonto, it was biggest monetary loss in judgement in our history. The base and therefore, the men and women who served there, were not represented at all and they were specifically singled out for the purpose of not letting them ever sue for damages.
Don't tell me the doctors didn't know what they were looking for, and how dare the military deny that a man served well, by doing as his job--that the job require close prosximity to chemicals, both which can deadly to humans which is why it's in a munitions bomb!
I am angry because I realized again that I very much in love with a man that I am losing a little every day. I've suspected it for a couple years now. I think back over our doctor visits, and I would make comments about his moods, or about a temor, his current doctor, even asked if he always moved that slow. I answered yes.
I guess I am angry because, I think I've had my cake, and damn it, I want to eat too. We vowed, privately, before we were married, after full disclosure our health problems that we would be there for each other. And he's not going to be here with me.
I am angry that the Army has NEVER has acknowleged what he and all these guys did for our country. He gave 8 years, and on the way out the doctor said, "by the way.... don't have kids for seven years." Clyde gave his life to the Army. He never had kids of his own and he wanted them. Now, his life is going to cut short by a cruel disease path, that he would have never probably gotten had be been in safe work space.
The Army has witheld medical records for the whole time he's been out of the Army. They have denied him a chance to know what was happening to himself, at an earlier time when he had more energy to fight it with. I am angry that the Army is going to win, again.
I see a lawsuit in the very near future. I am angry. We had plans. We still wanted to do more fun things together--exploring our little corner of the world. We had dreams. He supported my teams, and encouraged me to become a rock star historian. I'm even giving that up - for now. I have a far more important job to do now.
I can tell you, when he closes his eyes, he will be in the arms of our maker. I will have a lot of trouble even wanting to be in this world.
He is not gone yet, but I miss him already. I am afraid. It's too soon to cry. So, I will be angry at everyone involved with the decisions to put people's kids in places where there exists a chemical soup so toxic. Those kids, they were just doing their jobs.
Times are tough.
