10/26/2024
As I sit this morning thinking of my amazing son, Cole, I cannot believe how long it has been since I have had one of his huge daily hugs, his kiss on my cheek, and the "I love you momma"! We all take for granted there is one more day, another year and a lifetime of building memories with our children! For me, the reality was stark and drastic on October 26, 2009! My building of memories with that part of my heart would end until we reunite in heaven! That was 15 years ago but it could be yesterday! I don't know sometimes! Grief after the loss of a child is hard work and grueling! It has been so long since I have written or let my heart pour into words! So much as happened including some really dark valleys but incredibly beautiful and joy-filled seasons too! It would be easier to get busy today and let another day go by without checking in but recently, I have become acutely aware that many moms like me, that is moms who have lost a child, are caught on the bridge of clinging to the pain and loss and treasuring the memories and embracing life and joy! Many people are uncomfortable when we dip back into talking about our children that have died or they are not sure how to handle the sudden and unexplainable outburst of tears! They see us daily putting one foot in front of the other! They see us smiling and pressing on! They see us experience joy again and for me, speaking and sharing my story! What we want everyone to know is that just because we laugh and we engage in life and are truly healing, the pain does not stop! We have learned to experience joy, love, peace and life while also navigating gut-wrenching loss and missing all at the same time! That co-exists for me daily! Just because time has passed and I am experiencing some of the greatest joys in this life doesn't mean that I forget for a few moments my Cole! No, if anything, in the greatest joys of my life, my son is pushed to the forefront as I remember how amazing he was and what it would be like to experience all of these joys with him! It is beautiful how God has taken so much pain and brought a depth to my life! Everything is deeper now! Relationships are deeper! Joy comes from the core! Laughter is longer and treasured! Empathy for teens and families is unexplainable! Priorities in life are definitely more aligned! On the other side of that, I can be a lot to take in! I have lost some of my filter and I have a sense of urgency to make things right! There is good and bad to that and God is working on me to wait on Him! He is right here in all of it and it is His to manage! Not mine! I am a work in progress! It is only by His power and my opening up my life as a vessel to Him that healthy emotional healing is occurring! Please don't mistake our healing as healed! We will never be completely healed until we enter the gates of heaven! For me, I will always be bridging the gap between my human feelings and emotions and God's healing and restoration! I know if I am going to be healthy emotionally and experiencing the abundant life He promised in John 10:10, I must choose Him daily to walk beside! This world has nothing for me that lasts or gives me peace or hope! It is an absolute hot mess! I tried letting the world help me and that led to more despair and desperation! I have loved Isaiah 43:2! I am not sure I paid much attention to it before saying goodbye to Cole but I read it all the time when I begin to worry or struggle in another valley! It says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." I don't know about you but I have definitely felt like I was on fire or drowning in an ocean of struggles but God keeps appearing in the fire and the ocean with me! And, I keep finding an unexplainable peace and a balm for my soul! Much has happened in the last 15 years! I journeyed 9 years of Alzheimer's with my precious momma where I said goodbye over and over until Jesus took her home 31/2 years ago. One of my brothers was diagnosed with cancer and died two weeks later. One of my nephews had a massive stroke and died two weeks later. We had several of Cole's friends also die tragically and have navigated that pain with parents and friends. Our son-in-law, Beau, had a grand Mal seizure one year ago at home with Haden and their then 2yr. old, Ellie! He was diagnosed with an inoperable AVM in his right frontal lobe. His second gamma knife treatment will take place next month! We are praying for complete healing but what a journey it has been for Haden, Beau, Ellie and now little Frazier! That is a lot for a young family to navigate all that while Haden was pregnant with their second child! For months, there was a lot of unknown! Our girls have been through much in their young lives and I want them and everyone else to know how proud their momma and daddy are of them! They have truly been amazing and are navigating life in such a healthy emotional way! Now, we are navigating caring for Mike's parents as aging and health issues have rendered them not able to be independent anymore! God is greater and more powerful though! Through the storms is incredible beauty and God is still creating a masterpiece! My masterpiece includes: Haden and Emma graduated college! Haden and Beau got married 2017. On November 24, 2021, Ellis Chandler Brogdon was born! That little girl has brightened this world in the most amazing way! She is full of life, joy and curiosity!! July 8, 2024, Frazier James Brogdon was born! He is a hunka hunka burning love! Our hearts are full and it is true that being grandparents is the absolute best!! We are blessed beyond measure to get to spend lots of time loving on these babies! Emma and JD got married April 27, 2024! Emma has her master's in clinical mental health counseling and is a counselor with Restoring Hope in Birmingham. Beau has his own practice now! We have been partnering with Hope City Counseling for 9 years! They have recently grown and moved to a location that has more space and room to grow! We are launching a new push with the Cole Ellis Foundation and Hope City to offer more services to our area to provide healthy emotional and hope-filled counseling! I have truly grasped the promise that God gave us that His light drowns out the darkness but it is a choice! I challenge all of us to daily choose to walk toward the light! Sometimes, we are running for our life! Run to it! The dark can be comforting at times and it can mean not confronting or having to deal with whatever difficulty is ahead but it also causes us to withdraw, embrace the solitude and eventually suck the life right out of us! That is what the enemy is banking on! If there is any part of my story that you get, I want you to see Jesus! That is all really! There is nothing in me on my own that has gotten me to this day! I can assure you that I would not be here today with hope, joy and peace that I cannot explain had it not been by God's mighty right hand holding me up and giving me the daily power to walk into the light of His grace and restoration! I look forward to updating you with what Cole's Foundation will be embracing in the coming months! In the meantime, if you or you know someone who is in need of counseling, please reach out to Hope City Counseling here in Montgomery or Restoring Hope in Birmingham. Emma is growing her practice there and would be glad to help in any way! As always, reach out to me if you need help finding counseling! It truly is a gift from God! Always, Rebecca
