12/02/2025
I haven’t shared much in a while but here’s how things are going.
It’s December 1st today and as the end of 2025 approaches I always dread a new year. For me it just reminds me of another year that Anya isn’t here. She was not able to celebrate her 18th birthday or even her 21st birthday, she never got the chance to learn to drive or even have her first car. I’ll never get to ask her how her job is going or life in general. I’m left wondering where life would have taken her.
I remember a conversation we had about her wanting to move to New York to go to a school for photography. Anya said it was supposed to be the best.
Just talking about her moving out was enough to make my anxiety go through the roof. I knew the world we live in is not the world I grew up in and it scared me to think I wouldn’t be there to protect her. Sometimes I feel okay knowing she is with her dad and I don’t have to worry about anyone trying to take advantage of her.
Still I’m sad that I couldn’t share her life as she grew up.
I didn’t ask for this life, I never even entertained the thought of a life without my kids, but here I sit. In a world where I’m left to wonder how different things would be if my kids were here.
There isn’t a day where I’m not reminded that Anya and Joe have passed on. Every day is a chore to get through, I’m expected to go to work and be cheerful for 8 hours as I handle calls from customers. I’m exhausted just from that every day pretending to be alive and happy.
I live in a world where I now have to see others enjoy watching their kids grow up.
Parents sharing milestones.
I really just pulled away from the outside world, it’s hard for me to interact with friends, there’s always the question of how I’m doing, so often I want to say sh*tty, I’m dead on the inside and life seems pointless.
I don’t have any interest in the things I used to love before.
Thanksgiving just passed and I thought about something I was thankful for, all I could think of was my dogs Pepper and Smokey and I was thankful that my husband and I didn’t get a divorce.
I don’t reach out to friends much anymore if at all, my days are always the same. I drag myself out of bed every morning, tend to my puppers, put on my happy cheerful mask and clock in for work, I play my role for eight hours, when I’m done I’m so exhausted after pretending all day. I immerse myself into shows on TV with multiple seasons just to focus on something other than my day. Then it’s off to bed only to do it all over again the next day.
I love to sit in Anya’s room every day, my mind likes to imagine she’s still here with me, her room is still the same, her posters on the walls and her clothes still hanging in her closet her dresser drawers are still full of clothes.
Nope, I don’t like it here.
I’m not even sure I want to learn how to live with this grief. Maybe I’m just not ready to move forward yet.
I just don’t want to know this pain anymore.
