06/25/2026
Hi darlings, Daphne here. The elegant fashionista cat of the Neighborhood Cats Network business park cat colony.
Every morning I take my position beside my cabin and begin monitoring the office workers as they parade into the building pretending any of this is normal.
First arrives Greg from sales in his enormous pickup truck that has never once transported anything more rugged than a tuna wrap.
He leaps out clutching a gas station coffee and muttering,
“I’m already behind.”
Behind what, Gregory? Your destiny?
Then comes Melanie from HR with her cheerful little scarf and giant water bottle covered in inspirational stickers.
“Choose Joy.” “Dream Big.” “Rise and Thrive.”
Meanwhile she looks one mildly frustrating email away from dramatically rethinking all her life choices in a very public way.
Todd from IT arrives next. Todd walks with the confidence of a man who has restarted the printer twice and now believes himself to be a technological wizard.
He always says, “Morning, Daphne,” like we’re coworkers.
Which… frankly… we are.
Then there’s Vanessa from accounting. Stunning woman. Fabulous shoes. Carries herself beautifully. Unfortunately, she also power walks while eating yogurt and answering emails simultaneously like she's late for three different meetings in two different time zones.
I admire the commitment.
And every office park has a Brian.
Our Brian wears Bluetooth earpieces at all times and storms through the parking lot saying things like,
“We need to leverage our bandwidth.”
Brian, darling, last week you locked yourself out of your own Honda Civic.
Calm down.
At exactly 12:15, Cheryl from customer service comes outside for her daily “stress walk,” which mostly consists of staring into the distance while eating pretzels aggressively.
Then there’s Ethan from finance who joined a gym in January and now carries a blender bottle everywhere like it’s a personality trait.
He parks farther away “for extra steps.”
Meanwhile I have perfected the art of lying down for six consecutive hours while still appearing productive.
Honestly, Ethan should study me.
And finally, dear sweet Linda from reception. My favorite.
Linda always stops to say,
“Good morning, beautiful girl.”
A classy woman. A woman of culture. A woman who understands corporate hierarchy.
By 5 PM the humans shuffle back out looking absolutely defeated while I emerge from a six-hour nap beneath the hydrangeas refreshed, moisturized, and emotionally centered.
Yet somehow, I'm the one they call lazy.
