05/31/2026
Hello, Simon here, Neighborhood Cats Network Community Cat, Chief Gym Parking Lot Inspector, Head of Human Resources (Humans Being Resources) and Assistant Regional Manager of Judging People From a Distance.
Every day I monitor the gym parking lot from my feeding station like the dedicated professional that I am. 🐾
While I enjoy my breakfast, I observe the strange habits of the humans who come and go from the gym.
First arrives “Backward Hat Guy” carrying a gallon jug of water like he’s preparing for a desert expedition. Sir, the drinking fountain is literally inside.
Then comes “Tiny Shorts Steve.”
Steven.
As a larger gentleman myself, I worry for you.
At exactly 6am, “Yoga Mat Linda” appears in a perfectly coordinated outfit and always greets me:
“Good morning, handsome!” ….A member who understands excellence when she sees it.
Then there’s “Protein Shake Chad,” who exits the building every morning violently shaking a blender bottle full of swamp-colored liquid. One day the lid exploded and honestly I thought we were under attack.
“Treadmill Karen” power walks onto the treadmill, puts the incline at approximately Mount Everest, and immediately starts glaring at the television screens like someone personally betrayed her.
Meanwhile “Retired Dave” strolls peacefully on the treadmill watching cooking shows.
That man has achieved inner peace.
And every single day, “Parking Lot Pete” spends 20 minutes hunting for the closest parking space… before going inside to walk six miles.
Humans are fascinating.
Some stop by my feeding station to say hello before their workout.
Some ask if I’ve already had breakfast.
Friends.
Look at me carefully.
Does this look like a cat who skips meals?
Excuse me?
This body was built through years of dedication, discipline, and accepting second breakfasts from kind strangers.
Besides, from my feeding station I provide an essential public service:
judging everyone equally.
Love,
Simon