08/23/2021
When I first started seeing patients, and would walk into their home, meeting them for the first time, I would always say, "How are you today?" The usual response was shrugged shoulders, a blank stare or an, "I'm fine," which I knew was not the case. One day, I received a response that changed things for me, a woman said to me, "how do you think I am doing, I am dying." I never asked that question again.
"How are you?" is so easy to ask, and something we all say, especially when we do not know what to say. I have been thinking about what to say to someone who is grieving, and I think "how are you?" might elicit that same response. "How do you think I am, I am feeling broken today."
I reached out to a woman yesterday (via text), who had walked the path of grief for three months, knowing she was not doing well, wanting so badly to say "the right thing" but having no idea what that might be... so I said, "I was thinking about your heart today, and thought it could use a hug." She responded back, "it could always use a hug." I asked if I could call her, she said yes, and I spent an hour on the phone with her, just listening and letting her share. It was good for her, and it was good for me.
I think most people want to let someone else know they are not alone and that they are cared about while navigating a difficult time. Whether it is illness or grief, think about what and how you say something to someone... and imagine the difference it could make if you really put some thought into it.
And if you can't think of "the right thing" to say, which is often my own struggle, simply say, "I am thinking about you and I am here if you need me."
xo
Gabby