11/06/2026
Sometimes, after someone we love dies, we find ourselves remembering things we thought we'd made peace with. An argument. A betrayal. Infidelity. Something they said or did years ago that hurt us badly.
Maybe you forgave them and you worked through it together and went on to have a long, loving marriage. But now they're gone, and those old feelings are back. And you're wondering, “Why am I thinking about this now? I thought I forgave them.”
Here's the thing…death doesn't erase the complicated parts of a relationship.
When someone dies, we usually hear people talk about all the wonderful things about them. And that's understandable. We want to remember the love, the laughter, and the life we shared. But the person we lost was human. And so were we.
They weren't perfect. Neither were we. And sometimes, even in the most loving relationships, people hurt each other.
I think one of the hardest things about losing someone is realizing there are conversations we'll never get to have again. We can't ask them why. We can't tell them something still hurts. We can't hear them apologize one more time or reassure us that we were loved.
And maybe that's why some of those old memories come back. Because death takes away the possibility of ever revisiting them together.
But I want you to understand something. Remembering the hurt doesn't mean the forgiveness wasn't real. And feeling angry about something that happened years ago doesn't mean you loved them any less.
You can miss someone and still remember the ways they disappointed you. You can be grateful for a beautiful marriage and still acknowledge that parts of it were painful.
Both things can be true.
Grief doesn't require us to rewrite our relationships into perfect love stories. We loved real people, with all their wonderful qualities and all their imperfections.
And sometimes...healing means allowing ourselves to remember the whole relationship, not just the parts that are easier to talk about.
Gary Sturgis
Author of: ‘SURVIVING GRIEF – 365 Days A Year’
