02/19/2020
I would like to know what services or things that would (have) make what you are going through not as much of a struggle. Where did the red tape keep you from moving forward in your goals to get from where you were stuck at, to where you needed to be? That is the point where I want to learn how I can help people, and be an advocate for them. I know what my red tape is. I know what my road blocks are. And it brought me to my knees where I gave up, in my heart, in my head. I became utterly defeated. My feet kept walking. I sent a text to my brother asking why do I keep trying, pushing, when it's obvious that I am not getting anywhere? That I get a step ahead, and shoved back 5 steps. What was the point? I had lost all fight. I felt it was better to give in, it felt like that is what everyone around me wanted...I was the only one fighting and had been the only one fighting for the last year and a half to two years...because I refused in some counts, and others, I couldn't do what they asked and in return they couldn't support me on my path, not that I was in the wrong all the time, nor were they...but as time went on, they began to see some of my reasoning, my purpose for how I was trying to accomplish things...and i would make headway...but then I had to stop and it has taken everything inside me, and still does...to just survive. My focus, my energy was and is on my kids. Whatever it takes to have them with me, in my life and to be able to see them. Then it's to survive, to have food, a place to Sleep, and keep my promises and my obligations, financial and otherwise. I gave up that day and I was defeated. My brother reached out a hand to me, and pulled me up and back where I needed to be. He is standing with me and helping me bust through the road blocks, and keeping focused. He is helping me not dwell on my screw ups, to be able to move past them and realize I am human and I am allowed to make my mistakes, even repeats and I just need to learn from them, and finally, I have. Inner City Action is also showing faith in me. And giving me their support and guidance as they have gotten to know me and seen my love for God, my desire to thrive in Him, but also to be helpful (also, almost to the detriment of myself, which is why I had to learn the very hard lessons I did). I lost my kids (for the most part, legally...because I counted on people to help me, who had the very best intentions to do so..or were very good actors, and instead used my kindness to steal from me and to take advantage of me, and in my naive and stupidity, I let them). I was stupid to think if I gave them a chance, that it might help them see there was a different way they could be, and help them see a different path in who they chose to be and what they chose to do. I did do what I set out to do, but it didnt keep them from doing what everyone warned me about. I hit my bottom, but I am not there anymore. I am surrounding myself with people who have a purpose, who have a drive in their life for something better, who have visions and goals. I am keeping company with people who have faith in God, who push themselves and others, and whe3b someone falls back, they pull them forward, helping them back up. No more wasting time. I have done enough of that. It is time to live, and make things happen. I am not just surviving anymore. I am a survivor. I finally have my feet back under me. I am ready to fight and stand up for myself and to what I need to do, regardless if people think it's the right or best decision or most logical. My road is going to be one of the hardest roads I have ever taken, but its the only one that ever has worked for me. It's when I allow others to push and prod me into what they think is best that I begin to go sideways. I have learned to take in what everyone says (and it all comes out of love, their experience and their POV), and then I apply it to what needs to be done, the goals I need to move towards, and what the ending outcome needs to be. I thank God every day for the people in my life....I thank my brother for reaching out to me when I had given up completely, and was a shell. And for his sacrifices, his advice and his unconditional love for me and my kids. And I am so thankful for the friends who have stood by me but also the ones who have come out of the woodwork when I thought I was alone and shown me I wasn't. I hate asking for help. I hate putting people out. I always feel like I am weak because I didn't find the capability of doing it on my own...but thats another lesson, I have been taught all in its own. I am my own red tape, in this sense.
