04/21/2026
I've been having some pretty heavy nightmares of late...going on for about three weeks now.
started a few days before Travis showed up at our Home.
~In retrospect, I believe The Universe was preparing me for the coming traumas of healing.
In the midst of the worst of these nightmares, I jar myself awake from the violence.
Reaching for Cal's strong hand, I ground in the safety of my present.
I catch my breath.
Holding Cal, I can breathe again.
I do this repeatedly, several times a night. Resisting yet desperately needing sleep, I plead with my brain to not go back there.
A mantra of my now beautiful life, my lullaby to self.
But, my mind pays me no heed, and the terrors again greet me each time I close my eyes.
Healing is happening, I feel, because so much of Travis i have compartmentalized into the caskets of my mind.
Buried deep.
Dancing with the dead- that's what my nights have been of late.
This morning, after yet another exhaustive night, I found myself crying at the gym.
silent, welling tears
And the memories of My Before held me in a paralysis of grief- a grief that's really been fckng w my beauty sleep, y'all.
And needless to say, My Before really REALLY sucked.
But you know what is beautiful about My Before?
My Before is behind me.
My Before can help another in their Now.
Travis was a broken soul.
And I, a broken person who wished to heal.
But there was no blissful healing during my Travis time, only the rot of soul destroying shame.
I was so scared back then.
The beatings...fists never leaving visible marks on my face, but massive blows to the sides of my head.
Kicks to the stomach
Body slams
The bright light of concussions
Imprisonment
The spittle filled Screams.
and the rapes
My gods, the rapes.
In my nightmares, I am r***d again and again and again.
The worst nights of Travis, after he finally passed out exhausted from his frothing attacks, I would find myself creeping to the couch so I could know moments of safety.
My body just needed drops of respite in order to survive whatever hells the next moments would hold.
Often though, travis would wake up.
Find me.
R**e me on the couch as my children slept behind thin walls.
And I would not fight, my body a limp shell, silent so as not to awaken my kids...so as not to awaken myself.
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
The last time my body was taken by Travis...was the very last time.
but my gods, the shame of that moment has haunted me for years.
A shame relived in my nightmares.
And now, I tell you.
And now, I take the power from my monsters.
And now, I put my shame to dust.
Travis worked offshore
And when the evening arrived when Travis was supposed to leave for the gulf, he decided not to...unless i did something for him.
Travis told me he would not go to work unless I let him video us having s*x.
S*x while his phone recorded the act.
I wanted to vomit.
I still want to vomit.
I didn't fight.
I said ok.
I needed him gone.
I disassociated from my body.
and with my kids down the hall, I allowed Travis to press record.
First time, I was told I didn't act like I enjoyed it, so I had to do it again.
But I needed to moan and beg this time.
Louder
LOUDER
LOUDER so he knew I loved it
So loud, that I know my kids heard my shame.
Everything after that, I am numb to, & have no wish to revisit.
For years, I have thought of that video, hoping it was destroyed in whatever prison or institution Travis was in.
Hoping Travis was dead & that video buried w him in his unlamented grave.
Feeling such self disgust, such hollowing shame, that I buried that night in the recesses of my mind.
We all walk through our own fires of hell on this earth, this I know.
We can either succumb, letting our shame kindle the flames of self immolation, or we can rise and shake the ashes from our soles.
I choose to rise
And may the cinders of my shame smite the eyes of all the monsters of my past.
And this is my hope for all who carry the shame of survival:
may you one day know the solace of peace.
And in the stillness thereof, may you find the clarity to recognize your infinite worth.
And celebrate JOYOUSLY the resilience of your beautiful human spirit… (hopefully with cake).
Peace & Healing to All
And to all *HOPEFULLY* a good night.
namaste
