10/06/2020
Good Morning Kindess Crusaders! Remember me? I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss your hearts! I couldn't sleep so I decided that now is the time for me to be accountable for my actions.
I took a breather from the world. It wasn't fair to you. I marched in out of nowhere and created a space for you all to unite in the one thing that binds all humans...kindness. Then I vanished. I dampened the group's motivation and allowed the mission fall to the wayside. For this, I am deeply sorry.
This amazing army you helped create started as the response to my personal trauma. I was deeply impacted by some very ugly experiences within my life. In the moment, I needed light. I needed to believe that the world was not what I was seeing through my window. Mission accomplished! You all gave me more faith and strength than you know. For this, I thank you.
When I felt that the group's focus was shifting away from the mission of kindness I panicked. I was fresh out of a constant battle with chaos and quite honestly, the "agendas" that began to present in the group triggered a manifested vision of what I thought the group would become if socially contentious motivations began to drive the group. I feared that the crusade to make kindness over power evil would get lost in a sea of messages from those offended or in disagreement. I aggressively addressed what I feared was imminent and ultimately created the angst I was trying to prevent. I did not communicate my concern effectively. I was not accepting of individual differences. I was not kind. I am sorry.
When I found myself here I realized I was not emotionally prepared to lead such a powerful group. I was not strong enough to recognize my triggers before acting and saw how I was unintentionally building a box and trying to control its contents. I was ashamed and at the time unable to clearly communicate my struggles so I ran away. Disappeared. Not cool.
I have grown tremendously over the past few months. I have learned a lot about post-trauma Shawna and found ways to introduce her to the old version. I have figured out how to turn lemons into lemonade, sometimes spiked with Vodka but refreshing nonetheless. I believe I am now strong enough to support our combined vision; crusading for kindness...one act at a time.
If you'll accept me back, I vow to be steadfast and support the goals to keep our mission alive and thriving. I promise to be honest if I am struggling and ask for help when I need it. I will not fail you again. So, my fellow Kindness Crusaders, may I please come back home?
