02/14/2014
Some thoughts I'd like to share:
If I asked you the question tonight what is life? Or better yet explain your life to others so that they could better understand the definition of life. Could you give me a truthful answer? Would you be ashamed to let others know the real you? Do you know the real you? Have you lived a life of only stolen moments and years of just going through the motions.
As I set and ponder on the thoughts running through my head tonight, on this Valentine's Eve, the day before my Caleb Cecil Daniels Luther would have been 19 years of age, I ask myself this very question.
I have spent many (actually most) of my years trying to figure out who I was while wearing a mask and refusing to show most people who I really was. I've been judged, I've been labeled and I've been abused and mistreated by others. But the worst of all I judged, I labeled, I abused and mistreated myself. While I can admit life has truly been unkind to me (if you would have told me these things would have happened in life when I grew up, I would have locked myself in coach Tipps class and refused to come out).Yes bad things happened but then I made bad choices too. Life is unkind. Life is cruel. Life will keep you guessing and keep you feeling lonely and sad. Life will trick you into thinking your living and make the best out of it when truly your making a mess and only pretending to go through the motions. But honestly was life ever meant to be lived like this. God wanted our lives to be very different. Remember the Garden of Eden.
With that you would think that I would have a lot of anger and a lot of regrets and feelings of WHY WHY WHY couldn't I have a better life.
Well you see... come January 24, 2013... If I hadn't been through the ugly before that day, If I hadn't learned how to wear that mask and pretend I was OK and living life while secretly inside I was drowning.... I would have been destroyed that day. I would have completely lost my mind. Don't get me wrong... I knew there was a God and I trusted Him with my life before January 24, 2013 but I didn't want Him to see all the ugly hurts and pain of my life. Silly huh.... We don't want God to see something in our life. Well I can tell you from experience, we can't keep nothing from God. And on that day the shell of my existence was stripped away and I allowed God to hold all of me, all the ugly pain, all the ugly hurts. Everything I had ever kept from Him shown through that night.
So a year and three weeks later am I still wearing that mask and am I still pretending. Well not near as much as before. I have let people in. I have learned to see the bad things in life as a blessing in disquise. I've finally learned from all the hurts and pain that it's made me stronger and enabled me to go through the greatest pain I have ever had to face and that is loosing a child.
Tomorrow my first born would have turned 19 years of age and Caleb truly knew how to live life. He wasn't ashamed of who he was, he stood for God and stood firm in his beliefs. He was the life of the crowd. In any room, he could light it up with his smile. So as I say to Caleb, "Happy Birthday son. I love you and miss you so very much!" please take a moment to ponder what life means to you and your loved ones. Make each moment count and never ever let a moment go by without taking the opportunity to let your loved ones know you love them and do your best to never go through the motions.
And most importantly please take a moment to see where God fits in with your life. Are you fitting Him in a little at a time or is He is your life.