05/14/2026
Still here, still navigating a life of unknowns, grief, joy, too many twists and turns. I wonder what Grant is thinking in this picture, he seems hesitant at the photographer, unsure, but okay - I'm talking to who knows who but securely holding Grant, I like to think Grant, in his unsure feelings towards the bussling crowd around him is really ok because he feels secure in loving arms.
So where are we? Where am I since I am the one writing these words . . . Unsure of so much going around us but okay because there is security in the loving arms of the One who always loves, the ultimate Comforter, our Defender, when God holds us we can handle it all (I'm not saying we want to handle it! Even Christ in the garden asked for the cup to pass - but it is possible!).
This picture is from the golf tournament the very first year, emotions were high, outlooks were shifting, Grant was being declared terminal - the smile was honest, the amount of family and friends showing up, surrounding us, supporting us, loving us so well, how amazingly grateful to have so very very much during this time. We still have it, it is the comforting text back when a late night grieving text is sent, it is the people pointing you back to the times God got you through, being a reflection of Truth in our lives.
Another week of school left, we are wrapping up a baseball season for Hudson, spring football has started for James, Sydney is home from freshan year at college, and Sarah is off working a camp where the girls once attended for cancer sibling camp.
Ten years since Grant was here with us and next month is 12 since diagnosis! Looking back it is amazing how some things haven't changed, some in good ways and others in terrible ways - reflecting back and remembering, why there was peace in the storm and then reflecting why people can still fall apart in the same way, why certain struggles haven't been able to be broken. There is joy always in the midst of pain when we trust the One who loves us most, who can see all our pain, all our mistakes, all our shattered hopes, and all the good hopes we hold on to because we do hope, our God is one of redemption of manna in the wandering that had sweetness to it, of streams in the desert, and paths in the wilderness. We just have to let ourselves be held!
Joy right now? Coffee with the birds chirping on a spring morning, a college kid sleeping upstairs in their own bed, morning texts of smiles from the one away, helping the tired one with breakfast, laughing with the one whose personality and eyes say so much, just like his brother in heaven . . . Time to reflect back on God's goodness here. A friend sent me their morning devotional yesterday that was titled One Step at a Time - God was making sure we never forgot it! One step at a time, one prayer at a time, God is good and there is joy ahead.
