12/04/2020
I was looking through some pictures and came across this gem of my dog. We were visiting my grandparents house and she really missed her dog bed. She curled herself up into this itty bitty dog bed and fell asleep. Keep in mind she is a 70 pound german shepherd. At the time I thought she was just adorable. But tonight when I looked at it I felt the need to speak and share.
Surviving a loss to su***de has days. Some good, some bad. It is really a complete roller coaster. You will absolutely have days when you feel strong enough to face the world. Then you will have days you want to curl yourself into bed and hide away from the world. Here my dog just missed her bed. Let yourself miss your loved one. If that means a day in bed to grieve then give yourself that space.
Each anniversary for 6 years I would take off work and run to the mountains. It started the very first year when my sister took me on a hike as a way to escape. We did not do a lot of talking but we did a lot of walking. Eventually we stopped at a spot and could see a small lake. Then my sister did a lot of listening. She barely said anything at all. She listened to my thoughts and let me cry. Let me tell you it was the full on ugly crying too. I sobbed right there in the middle of the mountains looking at this lake and she sat there patiently. And you know what? It was perfect for my healing and grieving process.
For the first year I practiced looking myself in the mirror and saying "My cousin died by su***de and I found him." It took over a year for me to be able to complete the sentence without tears. It took me even longer to say it and keep eye contact with myself. And you guessed it, it was perfect for my healing and grieving process.
Other times I would hide out at my sister's house and play with the niece and nephew. Playing with them gave me joy. They made me feel. They distracted me. The made me laugh. The love, joy, and peace they gave me is a large part of the reason I was able to keep going. If things got too heavy I would pay them a visit. We would play and laugh until we were out of breath. And you know what? It was perfect for my healing and grieving process.
Bottom line take my dog's advice. Some days curl yourself up in bed. It is okay. You will tackle the next day, task, gathering, or event when you are ready. Do what is perfect for your healing and grieving process.
