06/01/2022
Self-talk and Parts of the Psyche
J. Thomas Munley
What is the purpose of self talk? More often than not, it is a self critic and has negative connotations. The person gets so accustomed to the negative thoughts that it becomes second nature. A majority of the time, we actually get used to and depend on our inner dialog and not always to our benefit. We can live unknowingly beating ourselves up for minor things that have been internalized through repeated exposure from childhood caregivers, authorities figures and even peers and siblings. In many cases, the messages received from our earliest caregivers where not meant to degrade or belittle us. At the same time, unwitting caregivers, parents, teachers and others can give messages that a child will internalize as blame and shame, setting a push-pull struggle of natural personal tendencies that come into conflict with expected societal behavioral cues.
It is interesting when pondering the concept of ‘the different parts’ we create within ourselves that have different functions in the ego development and in personality development.
Here are some examples of the ‘different parts’ that are created to manage our inner worlds beginning with early childhood:
1) The ‘Exile’: This is the part created when our caretaker treated us as “worthless” and/or “throw away”, This part was created as a ‘protector’. That protector has different parts within it: “The Denying Part’, ‘The Defensive Part’, ‘The Blame Part’ and ‘The Anger Part’. All serve a purpose. Once we know we have these parts we can see them at play in our lives. The way that we can intervene in disrupting negative patterns established with this ‘parts’ system’ is to recognize that there is a SELF that is greater than and more than these parts. The Self is the part we connect to when meditation and mindfulness are practiced as this practice lifts us up beyond our world that is preoccupied with tasks, anxiety, fear, self loathing and even arrogance. It is most helpful when we can see these parts for what they are, protective factors and not weaknesses or maladaptive thought processes.
Another part that develops from the Exile is the ‘Redeemer’: 2) ‘The Redeemer’ is that unconscious person we search for in friends and/or partner relationship that often resembles the abuser. The often unconscious goal is to redeem past feelings of worthlessness. It works like this: If we can get those that closely resemble our abuser, aggressor or care-taker who treated us with disdain to like/love us, there is a misconception that a relationship with this person will redeem and fulfill our innate desire to be loved and valued. Often, these innate drives go unrecognized in individuals. Then, we always wonder why these relationships don’t work or feel similarly toxic. We often know others or find in ourselves repeated patterns of poor choices in partner relationships. We see people, to our dismay, often choosing toxic people with the goal of redemption or validation.
These parts can also develop in relation to criticism that may be inadvertently leading us to feelings of shame (ex: a child’s classroom excerberance and enthusiasm is seen by the teacher as disruptive, so in trying to tame the student, the teacher may actually shame the student and the student may squash their natural tendency to be outgoing and internalize shame when they want to be more freely expressive). Shame is an ugly feeling with no real personal use other than to make us feel bad. Shame is a learned response to criticism for some wrong doing that may or may not actually have roots in reality. Shame is not the same as healthy guilt. Guilt can serve a function in development for wrongdoing without it leading to shame. Shame makes a misdeed by an individual feel like ‘they’ are worthless because of the deed versus ‘the healthy response to not repeat the behavior’.
Knowing our ‘Attachment Styles’ and ‘care-giver’ history, can assist us in preventing what could be a life long pursuit of failed and torturous relationships. A good therapist with a deep trauma background and the ability to draw out subconscious behavior patterns is a first step to ending a cycle that serves only those who have been sought out to be that ‘redeemer’, ‘savior’ or source of self esteem. It never works. Healing the past while navigating the present is my favorite definition of counseling right now.
Sent from my iPad
