Everything you read here is true. I swear. I am not making any of this up. Trust me.
1. I don't like to brag - I really don't - but I am the butt model for Loverboy's "Get Lucky" album.
2. I think it would be great if 1970s fashions came back. I'd look groovy in bell bottoms, platform, zippered boots, and gold neck chains.
3. I wear my sunglasses at night. That's just the way I roll.
4. I've been asked by the local authorities to not visit the states of Iowa or Nebraska ever again. I'd tell you why, but part of my pre-trial agreement dictates that the facts of the case remain closed.
5. I once had the extreme misfortune of getting the chorus from "Elvira" stuck in my head: "Elvira! Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow, Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow." I thought I was a goner. Dave Grohl rescued me.
6. If you see me and I don't acknowledge you, please assume that I am engaging in international espionage. Please don't blow my cover.
7. If I had to dress as one of the Village People, I'd choose the Native American chief. I look great without a shirt.
8. When I am at home, I wear my tinfoil hat to prevent the aliens from reading my thoughts.
9. Speaking of aliens, I once was abducted by little green men. They found me rather perplexing and sent me packing - after an uncomfortable and invasive (ahem) exam.
10. I grok. Do you?
11. I am the other white meat known as "Kid Funky Fly."
12. I do all my own stunts. I like to keep it real.
13. I am dressed like a Spanish Conquistador. Right now. Really.
14. I suffer from terrible spine issues that have caused me to give up my much-beloved career as a gymnast. The uneven bars were my specialty. I even had to give up men's synchronized swimming, which just broke my heart.
15. My beagle, Peter Franklin Kughen, pilots his own World War I-era Sopwith Camel. Though it looks an awful lot like a doghouse, he has flown me behind enemy lines many times.
16. I am your boogie man. I'm here to do whatever I can.
17. I once hooked what I thought was Jimmy Hoffa's long-lost co**se while fishing in a nearby river. It turned out to be an old sneaker – a red Chuck Taylor.
18. I have an imaginary friend named "Ted." Ted has an imaginary dog named "Steve."
19. I wish capes and cloaks would make a comeback. Being rather tall, I look GREAT in a cape.
20. I like movies about gladiators. (And I see a grown man naked every day in the mirror after my shower.)
21. I once had a torrid love affair with the bearded lady in a traveling circus. Don't ask. The memories are painful.
22. I once conducted experiments to determine the exact height from which a cat can fall and NOT land on his feet. The answer is 136.7 feet.
23. Speaking of cats, my cat, Milo Montgomery Kughen, and I recently broke the sound barrier in a rocket ship that we built from a rusted out AMC Pacer.
24. I once ordered a rocket from ACME. I waited by the mailbox for a whole 10 seconds before it arrived.
25. I am the sole survivor of a Peruvian jungle mission to find lost riches. The rest of my party was killed and eaten by cannibals. I used my professional evasion and combat skills to fight my way back to civilization. I only talk about it after a sufficient amount of whiskey.
26. For several years, I lived on a Grecian hillside where I herded goats.
27. I survived in college on a diet consisting of Ramen noodles, canned ravioli, mac and cheese, and Wisconsin Club beer. I have no idea why I have digestion issues now.
28. In my spare time, I follow the Google car around, acting entirely abnormal. To date, I appear in 361 cities, often dressed as a Hare Krishna.
29. I used to be able to belch the entire alphabet. Currently, I lack the requisite diaphragm strength to get beyond the letter "N."
30. In college, I studied to be a rodeo clown. I suffered some head injuries.
31. Also while in college, I made extra money dancing at a fine establishment known as The Golden Fox. I made mucho dinero on wet t-shirt night.
32. I once inadvertently glued myself to a ladder and lost much of the skin on my palms.
33. When I get bored, I drive around neighborhoods in my car with the windows down, playing ice cream truck music really loudly. Kids follow me everywhere.
34. I sometimes follow people on a sidewalk until they say something to me. At that point, I accuse them of following me, the long way around. They usually don't get it. Sometimes, they call the authorities.
35. Because the authorities are sometimes notified - and because I lack the physical ability to run like the wind - I have perfected the art of urban camo. I'm right behind you, right now, and you didn't even notice me, did you?
36. The voices in my head often perform as a barbershop quartet. It's distracting, but they sound fantastic. They also dress alike, too.
37. Sometimes, I sing like nobody's watching. I don't get invited to business meetings anymore.
38. Currently, I am lead cowbellist in a honky-tonk band.
39. I really hope that when the aliens come back to visit me a second time that they bring the hyperspace technology that they promised me.
40. I often climb onto rooftops and smile for a Google photo.
41. Sometimes, I feel like a nut. Sometimes, I don't.
42. Yesterday, I worked the entire day while wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra. The bra was exceptionally uncomfortable. Unfortunately, coconuts only grow so large.
43. Let's see...I have a skateboard, some duct tape, and a cat. Gonna be a long day for the cat...
44. I have spent hours deep within my subterranean lair hatching my latest mustache-twisting evil plan for world dominion using only genetically-engineered crocodiles, non-stop playing of Barry Manilow records, and reverse gravity fields.
45. It is my considered opinion that many people LOL too much. I'm all about funny, but most things really aren't LOL kind of funny. And don't get me started on the ROFLMAO'ers...
46. Earlier this year, I Evel Knieveled my way over a row of brave Chihuahuas on my 1976 Huffy Evel Knievel dirt bike. Next, I'll jump a row of taller dogs. Irish setters, maybe.
47. Have you ever dialed 867-5309 and asked for Jenny? I have. I learn some really bad words that way.
48. Though we touched and went our separate ways, I still love you.
49. When Jay-Z doesn't know what to do, he calls me.
50. I often help little old ladies across the street - whether they want to go or not.
51. I have an unreasonable fear of squirrels. Just look at them. LOOK AT THEM! They're all twitchy and stuff. And they have beady little eyes that say "helter-skelter."
52. I've been through the desert on a horse...named Barry. Why are you looking at me like that?
53. I don't share this with many people, but my dog, Pete, is quite the conversationalist. Last night, we talked about string theory, chaos mathematics, and the perplexing density of fruitcake.
54. When they make a movie about my life - and they will, oh yes, they most certainly will - I want the closing credits to roll while Ram Jam sings "Black Betty." Why? Because that song rules. That's why.
55. For fun, I sometimes get a bucket of street marking yellow paint and make my own creative road markings. Sometimes, I paint "STOP" right before a set of zebra stripes that stretches across the entire road. Much hilarity ensues.
56. Speaking of signs, I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes.
57. When I was a kid, I used to carefully place Snap-Pops under the feet on the toilet seat and then tell my dad and brother to stay out of the bathroom. When Mom went in, we'd all gather outside the door and wait for the screaming to start. My Mom went gray earlier than some moms.
58. I recently made arrangements for my funeral and burial. When the undertaker asked what I wanted on my tombstone, I said "pepperoni." He didn't get it.
59. I would like to be Jack Bauer. Well, except for the episode in each season in which he was tortured. Then, I'd like to be me again.
60. Now you can call me Ray, or you can call me J, or you can call me Johnny, or you can call me Sonny, or you can call me Junie, or you can call me Junior. Now you can call me Ray J, or you can call me RJ, or you can call me RJJ, or you can call me RJJ Jr., but you doesn't hasta call me Johnson!
61. Really scary movies, well, scare me. I have a pretty vivid imagination. I don't really need Hollywood's help. If my imagination were a thing that I could take out and put on the ground, it would don a top hat and cane, then begin singing "hello! ma baby, hello! ma honey, hello! ma ragtime gal..."
62. Did you know that with a penknife and some careful craftsmanship you can make a G.I. Joe with Kung Fu grip make obscene gestures? Well, you can. So I've heard.
63. I currently hold the state record for dwarf tossing. Don't knock it. If you bend your knees just so and get the right loft, you can toss your average dwarf a country mile.
64. My dad was a television repairman. He had an awesome set of tools. I can fix this.
65. My dream is to open a bait/tackle, liquor, baseball card shop, and dirty bookstore. How could that business model not make money?
66. I don't know why, but I often think that clowns are following me. The one under my bed tells me I'm crazy.
67. I sign autographs every Wednesday evening, though I won't sign anything relating to the aforementioned gluing-of-the-hands-to-the-ladder incident. Sorry. No exceptions.
68. I found a free - and really still - cat at the side of the road the other day. He doesn't purr. Or eat. Or use the litter box. He smells bad, too. He appears to be defective.
69. After a suitable amount of liquor, I do a pretty mean Mick Jagger impression.
70. After I die and I am ready to come back as someone else, I hope I come back as someone as cool, as intelligent, and as good looking as me. Otherwise, it's going to be a real let down.
71. Speaking of dying, because I believe reincarnation is entirely possible, instead of “RIP” I want “BRB” on my tombstone.
72. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer.
73. If you like, you may refer to me as Doctor. Doctor Johnny Fever. It will be even better if you just sit right down, relax, open your ears real wide and say, "Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!"
74. I'm still pen pals with a feisty member of the TSA in Atlanta who took his hands-on pre-flight search a little too seriously.
75. I once lost a fight with a Asian midget lady. While small, she had tiny fists of fury.
76. Sometimes, when the wind is just right, I can hear the sweet call of the smallmouth bass. Really.
77. I once performed a bris. Once. It didn't take. I hung up my brissing tools after that.
78. My motto: Live hard. Play hard. Visit the ER often.
79. Unfortunately, I once fell for the ol' "banana-in-the-tail pipe.
80. "Why you be mad-doggin' me, punk? I don’t suffer no fools mad-doggin’ me
81. I have reached Polomalu levels of scalp and hairness.
82. After a series of bad life choices, I am now concerned that I am going to end up living in a van down by the river.
83. I am not sure which is worse: forgetting to remember something, or remembering that I forgot something.
84. I am the superhero known as Adjective Man. I have a cape and everything.
85. I think life would be better if random groups of people broke out into Monty Python-like musicals from time to time. What shopping trip wouldn't be made better if everyone in the produce section suddenly broke into a perfectly choreographed musical that spilled out into the parking lot? I mean really...
86. I think it would be great if someone followed me around narrating my every move. The narrator would announce the mundane things, such as "...and with a steely grin, Rick proceeds to dig lint from his belly button," to the more serious matters, such as "...and thanks to Rick's boundless courage, the free world will remain free, the forces of evil thwarted yet again." And don’t be thinking that I stole this idea. I had this idea long before “Stranger than Fiction” came out. I am still waiting for my royalty checks.
87. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.
88. I once fought off a pack of meat fork wielding pixies using only a pellet gun. Keeping a stiff upper lip was key.
89. I'll eat most anything, though I think grapefruit is an abomination. Really, it's a crime against humanity.
90. In my spare time, I like to pole vault.
91. I really like it when I am hailed as "O Captain, My Captain."
92. I would like it if you brought me a shrubbery.
93. When I finally got rid of my mullet, I discovered that with the improved aerodynamics, I was much, much faster.
94. I really wish I could yodel.
95. I name each and every fish that I catch.
96. If they still made Hai Karate cologne, I'd wear it...just so I could say that I'm wearing Hai Karate cologne.
97. I have a new line of Rick Kughen action figures, complete with Kung Fu grip, coming out soon.
98. I write the songs that make the young girls cry.
99. I once saw Elvis in a K-Mart. He had fried peanut butter and banana sandwich smears on the front of his sequined jumpsuit.
100. Sometimes when I am trapped in a long phone conversation, I pace around the house pretending I am a swashbuckling hero while making jabbing, cutting motions in the air, sometimes using the cat as make believe samurai sword.
101. I have a pet tree frog named Thurston.
BONUS ITEM! I sometimes cover myself in olive oil and sit, cross-legged in my backyard, while singing show tunes. Why? Because it makes me happy. I don't get invited to many neighborhood barbecues though. Perhaps there's a connection.
