10/16/2025
The first pic is the last picture of us on her last birthday. We would go to hibachi, per her request, cake, presents, I’d usually throw her a bday party on whatever weekend was mine and near her bday. But on her actual bday we went to hibachi. Who doesn’t love catching shrimp? She loved it. And if that’s what she wanted to do, I did it. I hated this pic back then. I was like you look ugly tired frumpy and fat idk whatever I’d think of usually when I’d see pics of myself . I’m usually always and still Am my number one critic.. I remember being like I just look blah and sure i never posted it And I was. Actually I was a mess inside. Exhausted, deflated tired, stressed, anxious, couldn’t sleep, barely could eat, overwhelmed, just so beaten down, broken.And I never saw it till lately.
See everyday was a battle in my life and my war. Everyday I dealt with his bu****it in some way or form. He harassed me for 8 years straight all day everyday. It never stopped. I lived in fight or flight. Ringtones would trigger me. Sounds, the email notification. All I wanted was to eat dinner and celebrate my daughter’s 7th birthday in peace, with my family. and I tried. We all did. But it could never be simple like go eat dinner and cake the end. It had to be a production, some drama, some form of harassment, in every form, (minus a pigeon carrier he never got that one in ) but he’d get to me some how. He did. It never failed how ever or whatever I tried to get it to stop. I’ve been called every name in the book. I dont even flinch at these words and havent in years. The Threats of jail , and cops and contempt. And insert mom crime of the day here.
Every. Single. Day. I got used to it, learned ro live through it. Despite thinking maybe it will stop someone will make it stop. As much as I thought I could block it, it got in. He got in. He ruined every fu***ng holiday birthday random day Tuesday you name it. It never failed. I’d scream or cry alone, i couldn’t sleep, I was miserable, i had no one. No groups. No coach. No manual. No idea what I was really up against. I rarely let anyone see me break down, and they tried. God bless them all they tried so hard. But I didnt budge. Im stubborn af and thats a double ended sword.
And alot of my guilt still stems there. If i cried or had to scream lI I’d do it in my car or away, alone. . I kept it to myself, some are raised toKEEPA the peace, dont air your business, some arent. The old school mentality has alot to hide and still does.
I was embarrassed af, ashamed, I was a shell and felt like a burden.
I did do my very best to never let her see. I think I succeeded with that. She was happy, loved life her birthday, and still had that joy and love of kid birthdays and that childhood spark and excitement in her eyes. I can see it in her pics so i know.
..I didn’t discuss him with her. Other than ordinary things.
For. 1 One I was bound by a COURT order not to. Its says it. It said alot of things i could or couldnt do. I mean I thought it was court ordered, a COURT ORDER was the end all, bound by LAW. Thought it was somehting you HAD to Do , not like pick and choose what you want to follow this or that, one part not the other, like it wasnt OPTIONAl (for me at least) others… , him?? just do whatever you wanted I suppose?? Why not. No one cared when he didnt follow a single fu***ng thing. Nothing happened. Not a single consequence or contempt or “jail”.. no sheriff was coming for him. And i mean who knew? Not me.
No i was a p***y and I was afraid and obeyed. Had i known what a joke it was and and just how deadly the circumstances would become id just have gone to jail. Like f**k take me aleady jesus lets go. Top bunk please. Let me get my shoes. . I’d have done it all differently
So evey year we still go to hibachi. Court house. Hibachi. Cemetery. In that order. This year no one was harmed by fireworks. No family fight at A-1. And also l purposely didnt advertise the court house this year.. i have too many haters to count. Luckily i posess not more than a half of a feeling left in my body to care about any if that. And… honestly I hate my opponents too!! But they dont affect my day.. ill stll go to tj maxx like every other day so 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
But this world is hateful and crazy, and i dont trust them … im tired and over it all and have no patience any more. BUT.. we go on. I go on for her. Im ready to pass the batton though. Hang it up, wave one of my flags… im so almost done.. but not yet. 😳 Hey you never know maybe I’ll write a 79000 page book one day. Because it’s all too much.. f**k I wont be reading it. But maybe you all can.
It was still Kay’s Day here in Yardley and it will be forever. 10.15.10. Her Golden Bday. 15 on the 15th.
Oh and side note one pic is the pic of the headstones touching.. like a row home at the cemetery. Somehow Jordan got stuck between Gary and Kayden but we got her out. Still on my list.. of TO DOS towards the top, right next to “send Jessica a bag of dicks” and “write the large COT on Amazon review”. Below get suspended not suspended license and sit at dmv for 3.5 hours crossed OFF
Underlined. In red.
