08/28/2026
THE REAL REASON MARRIAGES FAIL - Pastor Vlad Savchuk
It’s not because of distance, differences, or even sin in the ordinary sense.
A hardened heart is what breaks a marriage. A soft heart is what builds a great one.
"Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce?" He said, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." Matthew 19:7-8
It's more than irreconcilable differences. More than "we can't get along." It's a heart that went hard, one buried offense at a time.
A heart never goes hard in a moment. Here's the process:
1. An offense goes unforgiven.
Small, "not worth a fight," so it's buried alive instead of dealt with.
2. Buried offenses become criticism.
You stop addressing the behavior and start attacking the person: "you never," "you always."
3. Criticism grows into contempt.
Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, looking down on your spouse. The hardening becomes visible.
4. The wounded spouse goes defensive.
Self-protection replaces openness. Nobody's listening anymore, both are just guarding.
5. It ends in stonewalling.
Shutting down, going silent, walling the other person out. A literal stone wall around the heart.
Dr. John Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce.
James S*xton, top divorce attorney, says "Marriages fail slowly, then all at once."
3 things that destroy marriages:
1. You stop seeing her.
2. You frame everything as criticism.
3. You keep score and remind them when it's unbalanced.
The health of your marriage rises and falls on the softness of your heart. Keep it soft toward your spouse.
