08/07/2026
A great read.
I’ve noticed something.
The moment someone’s struggle becomes difficult for other people, their compassion often disappears.
And nowhere do I see that more than in the way people talk about disabled children with behaviours that challenge them.
I received a comment this week that said a child ‘having a hard time’ is not an excuse for unsafe behaviour.
I want to address it because this isn’t just one person’s opinion. It’s a belief many families raising children with significant disabilities come up against again and again.
So let me be really clear on two things:
1. This isn’t about one person. I’ve removed their identifying details because this isn’t going to be a pile-on. I’m sharing it because this way of thinking is common, and it’s harmful. I’d rather address the belief than the individual.
2. Nobody is saying unsafe behaviour is okay.
Nobody is saying children shouldn’t have boundaries.
Nobody is saying people shouldn’t be safe.
That isn’t the conversation.
The conversation is about recognising that not every child has the same capacity to communicate, regulate, understand, or cope.
Some children can tell you they’re overwhelmed.
Some can’t.
Some children can stop, think, and choose a different response.
Others can’t - not yet, or not without significant support.
When a child’s only way of saying, “I’m scared,” “I’m overwhelmed,” “I’m confused,” or “I don’t understand,” is through their behaviour, our job isn’t to ask, “How do we punish this?”
It’s to ask, “What is this child trying to tell us, and how do we help them?”
Understanding behaviour is not the same as excusing behaviour.
It’s where good support begins.
Because you cannot teach a skill if you don’t first understand what’s getting in the way of it.
And here’s the part I wish more people understood: parents like me don’t need to be lectured about safety.
We live it.
Every single day.
We are constantly thinking ahead, reducing risks, changing environments, teaching skills, watching for triggers, protecting our child, protecting other people, and trying to prevent situations from escalating.
We know what is at stake.
Probably more than most.
What we are asking for isn’t lower expectations.
We’re asking for deeper understanding.
Because understanding isn’t the reward a child earns after they’ve behaved well enough. It’s the starting point for helping them behave differently.
Because children cannot use skills they do not yet have.
They cannot communicate in ways that are beyond their current ability.
They cannot learn if we only focus on correcting the behaviour while ignoring the reason it’s happening.
Compassion is not the opposite of accountability.
In fact, real accountability starts with understanding what a child is actually capable of, teaching the skills they don’t yet have, and supporting them to succeed.
Our children deserve boundaries.
And safety.
And support.
And they deserve to be seen as human beings before they are judged by their hardest moments.
If your first instinct when a struggling disabled child behaves in a way that challenges you is to ask, “How do we stop this behaviour?” before asking, “Why is it happening?” then we’re starting in the wrong place.
Because children don’t do better when they’re misunderstood.
They don't.
They do better when they can.
Our job is to help them get to “can.”
💛 Christine x
