10/04/2024
While this page is generally not active, I wanted to share this in hopes it can help someone:
I am still trying to process what is happening in the aftermath of Hurricane Helene.
I am from a town right off the Blue Ridge Parkway in Botetourt County, Virginia, and I feel a particular connection to the folks of Virginia, North Carolina, and Tennessee who are affected. This one is close to home for me.
Today, as I was preparing some lessons for kids at my church on other things, and doing a bit of writing on my own page for adults about this situation. At the intersection of those two things, I realized how much my heart wanted to reach out to kids about this. There are probably many resources for these conversations, and likely some are better than mine, but I hope this helps someone.
If your child has observed the devastation, in person or online, or has heard adults talking about it, don’t assume it’s not affecting them. Make the effort to work through this together.
If your child is no longer a child, but a teen or young adult, many of these can be adapted easily by just going a bit deeper.
MAKE SPACE FOR THE CONVERSATION
I am someone who has big feelings, and often the most helpful thing for me to do to make sense of them is to talk them through. Other people do better when they sit with their feelings for awhile. Take the time to assess not only how your children process their emotions, but you as well. Then figure out how to create a way for everyone to talk about what they need to, when they are ready, in a way that feels safe.
It might involve pulling the car over for a face-to-face conversation and hugs, delaying bedtime because the feelings need to come out right now, or accepting silence when you would rather talk. Create flexibility in your thinking and our schedule to allow for varied possibilities.
Helping your kids, and your family, learn how to discuss hard things together is not only going to help right now, it’s going to be a building block for the next bad thing that happens…because the world has no shortage of bad things. It’s also going to train your children how to do the same with their friends and future families.
IT’S OKAY TO HAVE COMPLICATED FEELINGS
I have a lot of big, complex, and layered feelings about this. I am so glad the storm missed my daughter’s home in Georgia. And I feel guilty for thinking that. I feel grief and fear when I look at pictures and videos. And then I feel bad about that because I don’t even live there and it’s not fair for me to appropriate those feelings. I could go on, but you get the picture.
Help your child learn to recognize and name their feelings and know that there are no “right” feelings about this. They might feel glad that their house is okay. They might feel shame about feeling glad. They might feel grief, fear, anger, confusion, or frustration. They might feel helpless or hopeless.
Young children might not have the vocabulary, but you can help them begin to build it.
Name all the feelings you can together and acknowledge your own. If a child simply says they feel bad, then keep the conversation going. “Say more about that” is an easy prompt to name specifically what feel “bad” or even “sad” means for them.
GOD IS NOT PUNISHING ANYONE
I have a well curated social media feed for the good of my mental health. I don’t normally see places where people are saying things “God is punishing {insert group here} by sending this disaster.” But I know it’s out there. Sadly, I know that this message will be preached from some pulpits and makes its way into blog posts. It is harmful and ignorant theology.
This is not a punishment. It is a natural disaster. Natural disasters have existed since the beginning of time. (When’s the last time you saw a dinosaur when you were out for your morning walk?) Those who wrote the Bible sometimes used natural disasters in stories of punishment because (a) they didn’t have the scientific understanding we have today to explain then and/or (b) if they were trying to make a point, it was best to use things that people understood and were familiar with. That says more about the people who were trying to capture the story of God relationship with God’s people than it does about Godself. But this is for kids, and not a deep theological discourse…so if you want to dig deeper into this point, or the science behind why natural disasters happen, read on.
“I DON’T KNOW” IS AN ACCEPTABLE, AND OFTEN THE BEST, ANSWER
This is not the “I don’t know” we toss out to our kids when we don’t have the time or energy to give them an answer. It’s the sincere, deep acknowledgement of the limits of our own knowledge and understanding. When kids think adults know everything, think we can fix everything, it’s especially scary when the day comes that we can’t. It breaks trust. Better to just let them know we are all on the journey of learning and growing together, albeit at different places. No one knows everything.
For example: Why did God let this happen? Oof. I could talk to adults about this at length, and probably need to consult some notes from Theology I to get my thoughts together. Something about Augustine and a hole in a sweater comes to mind. But most of you are not seminary graduates, and none of our kids (and most adults) don’t care to go that deep.
So, here, I might say to a child, ”I don’t know. What do you think?” I might expand that with an older child to explain how throughout the history of time people have asked that question and answered it in lots of different ways, and sometimes I’m not sure which ones I agree with, and so let’s think of different perspectives together.
And if you really want to go deep…see the next point.
TAKE TIME TO LEARN MORE
Knowledge is power. Knowledge, used well, can help us manage our emotions. The feeling of needing to do something right now is powerful, and one thing you and your can do is to learn more about whatever is most relevant to your family.
Do you want to learn more about hurricanes and how they develop, including what made this one different? Do you want to take a deeper dive into the theology of why bad things happen in a world God created? Do you want to research nonprofits that are helping?
Seek reputable sources on the internet, talk about fact checking against multiple sources, and get to work learning together.
LOOK FOR THE HELPERS
This quote from Fred Rogers comes out every time we have a disaster. It’s a good one. Might I encourage you to do this with some focus and intention. Note how everyone is helping in different ways, using the skills and resources they have. Some people have carried supplies on mules. Others have raised money or donated money. People are cooking, using boats and helicopters to rescue people, hauling supplies in trucks, using tools to make repairs, rescuing animals...Look for all the different ways people are helping. It is a good lesson in how our differences make us stronger, and how we need to come together to share in the work of hope and healing.
LOOK FOR WAYS TO HELP
Remember those complicated emotions I’m having? Well, they make it difficult for me to move. I feel a bit stuck on how to help. I bet your kids (and you) might feel the same way. We have compassion and empathy in our hearts (put there by our loving God) motivating us to help.
Here is where your research and observation turn into action. Did you learn about a nonprofit doing work you think is really great? Help your child find ways to earn and donate money to things they care most about fixing: rescue efforts, supplies, animal rescue, feeding, etc. Right now, money is the biggest need.
You might also connect with organizations that are putting together cleaning buckets or collecting supplies in a responsible way, but please do this through an organization already at work on the ground.
MAKE SURE YOUR HELP IS HELPFUL
It’s also good time to learn how not to help. I recommend the books When Helping Hurts and Toxic Charity for adults to read to get a better understanding of this.
Here’s an example. Your child might really wish to give their favorite teddy bear to a child in need. That’s very sweet, and the motivation is good. What’s lacking is understanding of good ways to help. Unchecked, it can become a selfish act of doing what feels good as a donor rather than doing what the people we want to help really need. Unless they know a specific child that they can hand it to personally, a child who is sad about losing their own favorite teddy, it might do more harm than good.
I used to run a food pantry, and we got piles of donations of things we could not store nor use that had to be thrown out because someone thought we could use something and didn’t ask. This included things like slightly used underwear, canned food with no labels, old water bottles….as well as nice things that just weren’t what we needed and had no room for. The motivation may have been well placed, and the donor probably felt good for giving, but the outcome was troublesome. It took many volunteer hours to manage these, taking time away from the work of feeding the people who came to us and spending time getting to know them better.
Multiple that by millions for what is happening right now. I have seen photos of piles of donations dropped off at places not equipped to store or manage them because people drove trucks down without checking for the best approach. Meanwhile, organizations in other locations may have needed some of those supplies but have no way to get them.
SO – please help responsibly. Connect with nonprofits and organizations on the ground and follow their instructions.
PRAY WITH INTENTION
Remember how I said God wasn’t punishing anyone? God also isn’t waiting for someone to say the right prayer to fix this. A prayer like “God, please fix this” can be confusing and instill some broken patterns of thinking about God in kids’ minds.
Instead, pray “God, how can I help?” After all, when we observed the helpers, we already learned how God works.
Prayers can include grief, lament, questions, and anger. The Bible is full of those prayers. They can help strengthen our faith. It’s okay for a child (or an adult) to cry out “WHY?” to God. God can handle it. The goal is not to get answers, but to express our deepest longings to God.
Prayers of thanksgiving may be appropriate: Thanks for those rescued, for the helpers, for that which remains, for glimmers of hope in the midst of the darkness. There are still things to be thankful for, and it’s good to hold this in tension with the pain.
Wordless prayers, more listening than speaking, also help. I don’t always know what to pray. But I can sit with God. Embrace the silence. Freedom to bring our whole selves, words or not, into a time we connect with God changes us.
A FINAL NOTE
I have said this elsewhere and it bears repeating…Be the light y’all. Not only does the world need it, but your kids are listening.
Don’t tear down the efforts of others. Don’t make this political. Don’t spread rumors or heresay. Remember that everyone is trying, and we’re all hurt and confused and overwhelmed and just doing the best we can. On our best days, we don’t all agree on how to do things. Let’s offer grace and love and support, and when we can’t, let’s keep our mouths shut. It’s not us and them. It’s just us.
Be the light. The world is dark enough.
Wishing your kids and your family strength and wisdom and peace for the days ahead,
Pastor Stacy
