07/28/2025
I wrote this on 6.13.24 …
So… It’s been tough lately. Sometimes I feel like the world thinks I should be done grieving Austin. It’s hard keeping the sadness inside. To not show it … so, I just write. The darkness tries its best to overcome me, but Jesus is the light I follow to get out of that darkness.
———
In the dark hours of the night;
I am immersed in your world.
the words come to me, again.
and again,
i write.
everything that is Austin …
re-reading your texts,
listening to the
o n e
and only
voicemail
you left.
In my ears…
listening to the music you
shared with me.
so dark
so sad
yet inspires me
to put pen to paper.
i can feel your crushed heart
God help me.
i can’t
i won’t
get sucked into
this black hole of
a g o n y
again.
The pain is … tangible
Even though I know God is with me -
The pain trickles through and invades every cell, every fiber of my being.
I feel broken
bruised
and bleeding
tears,
burning
trails down my face.
wide awake
sleep eludes me
your daddy
by my side, his arm draped across my waist.. pulling me closer as if he can feel the flood
of emotions
that
are consuming me
as i lie here
in the dark.
the bond we shared
as
mama + son
was
so strong
it’s as if I can
feel you
reaching down
from
Heaven
to touch
my broken heart.
my breath is stolen from my body
my heart is pounding out of my chest
adrenaline rushing
the flood of memories
coming
I .. am
drowning.
a sea of emotions …
waves bigger
than i can handle.
i don’t want
p a i n
to be the
legacy
you left.
too late to save you
( i tried )
can’t change things
can’t bring you back
( don’t want to )
i want to.
confusion
blinds me
my soul is weeping
and enslaved
i dig deep
to pry
myself
out - of - this - madness
Jesus, help me.
the only One
who can.
the One
that can take
this pain
this terrifying darkness
this bruised and bloodied heart
the never ending
tears
J E S U S
can take it all
away
His love
is a balm
to my
heart.
He holds my heart in His hands.
He collects my tears in a bottle.
He knows my thoughts,
before i think them.
calm washes over me
now
as i grasp hold of my Savior.
i realize the enemy is still
trying to use my son
against me.
better
brighter
days
are coming.
I call upon His name
JESUS
I will hold on
to the everlasting love
of my Lord.
and
I will, defeat these demons.
Dianne Hawkins 6-13-24
5.12.96 - 1.21.23
