09/06/2023
The great dilemma with addiction with a lot of people, I have come to find out, is the illusion that they still have a choice whether they do it or not.....I remember back to when I was 19, and I went to rehab for the first time. I remember being in rehab, and feeling like I just needed to detox, and I'd be good. I was 100% convinced I would never touch it again...they told me I was powerless, but that didn't quite land....I stayed 10 days, and felt I was ready to go home...... within 2 weeks, I was using again. During that spell, I applied a great deal of introspection into my thinking. I felt like there was an option if I used or not, but I kept thinking back to the idea they said I was powerless. I reflected back at how convinced I was that I was done with it, but somehow someway I was using again. The realization of powerlessness became known to me at the age of 20, and I returned to rehab. This time I didn't want to leave the place when my time was up and I had my first true real deal connection to a spiritual dimension within myself....years go by, and with a spiritual connection life improved greatly. I achieved many goals and dreams....I was an overall happy person.... unfortunately, something occurred in my life that ignited immense pain stored from childhood. In experiencing that pain, I became unconscious and lost my ability to make a sound decision, and most of all, I forgot I was powerless. The details of the life situation that led me to use for the first time and relapse aren't important, what's important is, that when my brain felt that rush again, my ability to choose was completely gone, accept this time I knew it from the start. I consciously watched myself day in and day out be a slave to my mind until I lost everything. I lost everything, then I lost my identity, and then I even thought I had lost my soul....I would later find out that losing my identity offered a freedom I couldn't imagine, but still I had to get clean. I simply couldn't. I was fortunately sent to prison, and was fortunate enough to reestablish my spiritual connection, and oh my has it been a journey. It continues to be a blessing. Spiritual progress and healing is something the egoic mind can't even imagine or make sense of. I'm just so fortunate and blessed that the first step in spiritual awakening happened long ago, and I was able to return to my spiritual journey. Step 1 isn't something you get to decide to do. It happens to you. You come to REALIZE the REALITY that no matter what my mind is telling me, actually, I'm POWERLESS....the greatest gift an addict can receive is that REALIZATION....it's the portal to a new kind of existence altogether....so grateful.