09/16/2025
ALS may have taken my voice, but it didn’t take my sense of humor—or my ability to stir up chaos from the comfort of my wheelchair. I’ve become a silent prankster, a mute mischief-maker, and a lip-sync legend. I call it “Lip Sync Football”—because every mouth movement is a strategic play, and I’m always going for the touchdown.
Now, I’ve got a computer that lets me type what I want to say, but by the time I finish typing “Hey Eddie, you’ve got mustard on your shirt,” he’s already deep into a conversation about aliens, barbecue sauce, and whether Bigfoot plays fantasy football. So I mouth my words instead.
Problem is, Tanja and Eddie are the worst lip-readers in the history of caregiving. If lip-reading were a sport, they’d be benched. Permanently. I could mouth “Help me, I’m on fire,” and they’d respond with, “You want chitlins nachos?”
But here’s where the fun begins.
I noticed the more I mouth words, the closer they get—like detectives trying to crack the Da Vinci Code on my lips. This morning, I decided to test the theory. I started moving my mouth like I was giving a halftime speech to a team of confused squirrels. No sound. No real words. Just pure lip gymnastics.
They stared. I stared. I kept mouthing. They crept in like CSI agents examining a crime scene. At one point, they were so close I could’ve bit both their ears off like Mike Tyson at a buffet.
Finally, they gave up. Tanja looked at Eddie. Eddie looked at Tanja. “You know what he said?” “Nope.” And then they did what most people do when they can’t decode me—they walked away like they just failed a pop quiz.
But I wasn’t done.
Now, instead of getting frustrated, I’ve turned it into a game. I mouth whatever I want—usually something ridiculous about the person in front of me. Yesterday, I mouthed, “Your forehead looks like it’s trying to escape your face.” Eddie leaned in, nodded solemnly, and said, “I know, man. Life’s hard.”
I mouthed, “Tanja’s hair looks like it’s auditioning for a tornado.” She squinted, tilted her head, and replied, “You need suctioning?”
I’m not just surviving ALS—I’m silently roasting my loved ones with style. I still have jokes. And trust me, practical jokes don’t need sound to land.
And the best part?
They still think they’re helping.