07/20/2015
Welcome to Fairborn Hope please keep coming back! (My journey - the start)
My name is Amber and this is my story about my life before and during addiction, then immediately after I started living a life in Recovery! It is a bit long but it's hard to wrap your life up in a short statement and get across how much addiction had an effect on me. ...so here goes...
I am a citizen of Fairborn, Ohio and have been the majority of my life. I have always considered Fairborn home since I was born in Xenia at Greene Memorial. My Dad was in the United States Navy so we moved a bit until I returned at the age of 15. I am also a Daughter, Sister, Mother, Wife, Friend and an addict in Recovery. By living in addiction and coming out STRONGER and BETTER than ever, I feel called to share my story in hopes someone will relate and find inspiration to get the help they deserve. Through recovery and finding my purpose in this beautiful world we live in, I have been on a Mission to share my experiences through my journey of life before, during, and after addiction, as well as my dreams to give back and inspire positive change in our amazing town of Fairborn and as far as the good Lord will take my story. I am because of Him!
I WANT TO DO MY PART TO PAY IT FORWARD. MY HOPE IS BY FOLLOWING MY JOURNEY SOMEONE SOMEWHERE STRUGGLING WITH ANY ADDICTION WILL BE INSPIRED SEEK HELP TO FREE THEMSELVES FROM THE MISERY THAT ADDICTION DOES TO A ONCE BEAUTIFUL LIFE
Where to start?... basically it boils down to this....
I was a normal kid growing up with the average family problems, nothing that was too traumatic that I was running from asise the stress of having divorced parents. I"ve mostly dealt with life fairly well however, I have always been one to go to the extreme on whatever I was passionate about at the time. Started with things like my love for horses when I was a child, I was consumed by them. It was horse everything for me...nothing, no matter what it was, was more important than me working with, riding, training, being around and having a horse. Anything that has crossed my path that I've "gotten into" I've taken it to the extreme, to the point of absolute consumption of my life.... I become obsessed. ( Any of this starting to sound familiar? ) The way I looked at it however, I was just compassionate with the things that interest me. Recovery has shown me that all I was doing no matter what the "thing" was, I was trying to fill in some missing piece of myself with anything on the outside that made me feel happy when I wasn't TRULY happy with myself in the inside.
I was never just ok. I never felt "whole, complete, deeply content" with what was at any point in time. I always felt a bit out of place, like I wasn't even comfortable in my own skin. I was always searching for, trying this, doing that, anything on the "outside" to fulfill what I was missing on the "inside" that would bring me the sense of true happiness. Even when things were going well and I thought that I was happy, there was still something that had me unsettled, something that I was still wanting. It was never just enough. More money (who doesn't), bigger house, happier marriage, better job etc. I was never just ok with where and who I was.
Through living a pretty social party life early on I wasn't ignorant to various drugs that were out there. I could take them or leave them for a time but when I did...It was never enough. Alcohol was my main go to for years until I became a mother but hangovers with a newborn and a toddler....yeah that wasn't happening. My husband of 8yrs at the time was a pretty hefty alcoholic. One of those that knew it and wanted to stop but just couldn't. Finding vodka bottles and actually buying alcohol saliva strips and testing him when he denied he had been drinking to prove that yes he was drinking and lying to me was what had consumed the last few years of my life.
But of course the type of person I am.... I was going to save him....we know how that turns out...an addict can only save themselves. Recovery has taught me that I wasn't trying to save him I was trying to change who he was, I was trying to control him. We can't "save" anyone and that is a hard fact to comprehend. In the literal term of course, but to "save" someone from themselves.....we are not that POWERFUL, WE AS PEOPLE DON'T HAVE THAT TYPE OF POWER TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON. We can be there for them, we can support them, love them, tolerate them, and ACCEPT them....but we can't change them. We can never make someone into somebody what WE want them to be, only accept or not accept who they are at this moment in time. We can voice our concerns for their wellbeing, we can share OUR experiences so they may relate, but we don't have the POWER to make someone change who they are if they aren't wanting to make that certain change themselves. We can only CONTROL HOW WE RESPOND to their behaviors that WE FEEL aren't healthy or good for them.
My husband make me promise after promise to stop drinking. I now understand when he made most of these promises he deeply felt he was being sincere and wanted to follow through with them. He honestly felt and believed he could quit and stop at anytime by sheer willpower, want and desperation. This works for very few who are truly addicted to something. For him, this was just bigger than he was and he wasn't at a point to accept that fact. For him, he says now "It was like admitting failure to myself which made me feel weak" and now "It take a STRONG person to admit to someone that they need help, especially with something others perceive as...if you don't want to do it then just stop. Each time it would work for a bit...then it wouldn't and all Hell broke loose in our marriage. I was expecting something he couldn't do on his own, and he was trying to battle something he couldn't on his own. This became our cycle over and over again. Then a few days after coming home from the hospital after giving birth to our 2nd daughter he relapsed again...............
THIS WAS THE MOMENT, that changed me from a basically non-using addict (since I have addictive behaviors with other things besides drugs at the time) to a using addict. Now it was opiates. I remember clearly that when I realized he drank again what hope I had left completely shattered, I GAVE UP PLAIN AND SIMPLE. I walked down to the medicine cabinet and took 2 prescription pain pills that were prescribed for me from my OB. This was about 2 hours before my next dose was due. I hurt but it was my FEELINGS NOT BODY, I was trying to remove the emotional pain, not the physical pain. 20 minutes later I took a deep breath and didn't really care about his drinking.
Before my journey in recovery I blamed him for my addiction, like we all do.....we have to blame it on something because we can't comprehend how we could allow ourselves to lose ourselves to a drug if there wasn't some reason as to why we started in the first place. Some start by recreations, to enhance a "good time" others by trying to make themselves feel happy when they don't without, I call this using as an emotional crutch. Then at some point that crutch turns into something I could no longer live without. This was both emotionally, then sooner or later my body became physically addicted to where I couldn't function on a day to day without. I felt like total crap....well duh...I was going into withdraw from the opiates that day after day my body became accustomed to getting.
By absolutely NO WAY do I BLAME his drinking for my pill addiction, this was HOW I RESPONDED to something that I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. I couldn't make him stop but at the same time I didn't ACCEPT him and his behaviors, so I CHOSE to make myself feel happy when I wasn't by putting something in me that filled that part of me and caused me to feel "fake happy". So that road can only go one way.... 8 months later I lost my job of 14yrs due to my addiction to pain pills and 7 days after that my husband lost his due to something that was related to his alcoholism but on his private time thankfully not the job site but nonetheless the results were the same .....
REALITY CHECK....I didn't even know how it had gotten so bad so fast. What the hell am I going to do now...I have a house, car and 2 children. I went into what I refer to as my disaster control mode. I started researching all the options we had to not lose what little we still had. Thank God we have a supporting family because without them I wouldn't have been able to keep the roof over my children's head. The remarkable thing is that......at that moment...when I had lost so much due to my addiction I still didn't take responsibility for being fired from my job or anything. I blamed my husband's alcoholism. Don't get me wrong I knew what I had done was wrong but I still blamed his actions as to the why I started using..............which by the way is complete and total bullcrud. No one I mean NO ONE can make YOU become an addict. That day was the last day I used Nov 25, 2014, and the first day to the rest of my life....
Today both my husband and I are working a strong recovery program. I have NEVER been this happy and at peace as I am now after I've developed a spiritual relationship with my Higher Power. My marriage is better than I thought was even possible, but most importantly....WE ARE LIVING A LIFE IN RECOVERY AND GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING BIG AND SMALL IN OUR LIVES!!
My purpose here is to share my story through posts and hopefully my recovery journey will help even just 1 addict to choose the life of recovery. It is the BEST thing I've ever done. You know the part where I said that I didn't ever feel like I knew myself or felt complete....I can stand here today and say I know what my purpose in life is now, I'm beginning to know who Amber truly is and so far I really like the person who I am turning into. I like and love ME for the first time ever. This only became possible when I realized how little I was in this whole big universe and that something, some...whatever you choose to call it is bigger than me...created me...and truly loves me and wants the nothing but the best things for me. There is something beyond me...this concept I understood in my mind but took about 6 months for me to KNOW WITHOUT ANY DOUBT and FEEL with every fiber of my being that no matter what, where, who, when, why or how...my something else, my Higher Power is REAL and LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY!!!!!
The only thing I need to do know is the next right thing, and starting this is what I've been lead to do....so yes I will listen and follow.
I want to post as often as I can things about my journey in recovery. Good, bad, boring, or absolute manic crazy. Please feel free to comment or leave a inspirational story to help anyone who may be following us!!
Thank you truly for taking the time to read this long story of mine and please stay with us as I hope to make this a family of all hope, optimism, strength, just plain happy for those who follow with me.
**** PS **** please be kind and understanding as what is said with everyone here. We are all people who all have our own thoughts and opinions so if you find something negative that you don't like or want to hear then please leave. This I aim to be a safe and positive place for people to share things that are very sensitive to them.
If you feel inspired to do so please share your story as others who read this site may find comfort in knowing they are NOT ALONE!
YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE WORTH IT, AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK...ONE DAY AT A TIME
PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL TO ONE ANOTHER
GRATEFULLY HUMBLE AND BLESSED
~AMBER
