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Big Lu's Big Journey, Erie, PA (2026)

06/20/2025

Happy 7️⃣th Birthday Lucius!!

We had a birthday party for you, like we always do. Your big sister didn't let anyone sit in the birthday persons chair, because she wanted to leave it empty for you. Lala put a candle on your cake of the number 7 and just by chance it was green 💚 Your brother insisted on wearing a Hulk shirt and brought some of his Hulk toys. Everyone sang to you.

I miss you. I'll never forget your birth. The first sound you made in the OR. Your little face. The amazing NICU team. The way it felt to hold you. I hope you know that we do this to cherish you. You are my son and I'm forever your mother, which means I still want to do special things for you on Earth, even though you're in the most beautiful place that could exist... Heaven. And I'm sure your Grammy made you a cake, your Grampy played guitar, Yiayia sang, Papou gave you a big hug and told you stories, and our cats and dogs in Heaven gave you extra snuggles...I hope you had the best day.

7 years old. Wow. We love you buddy. Forever and ever.

🥊💚

06/19/2024

Happy Birthday, my precious son, you're 6️⃣ in Heaven today!

Oh Lu, how we wish we could spend this day with you. Hulk legos, a cookie cake, a party, and anything else you wanted to do today. But those are our traditions here, and I hope you know that we do them for you. That we love you. And we miss you so much.

I'm gonna read your book tonight, the one where everyone wrote to Haylen. I know you changed so many lives just by being here for 4 and 1/2 short months, and for that we are all so blessed.

Thank you Lord, for my amazing son. I love you so much, Lucius, so incredibly much.

11/04/2023

5 years since you went to Heaven, my sweet little boy. I miss you so much.

Our neo still tells me to this day that we may have witnessed a miracle in how long he gave us that night. She thought we had minutes after she placed him in my arms, instead God gave us 8 hours. My husband and I each held him 3 times in that 8 hours. He went back and forth. We tried to give him a lifetime of love in that 8 hours.

8 hours of cuddles.
8 hours of stories of his time in the NICU.
8 hours of us telling him all about his relatives and pets in Heaven.
8 hours of precious moments.
8 hours of joy and happiness, even though we experienced sadness and tears.
8 hours of story time with his books.
8 hours of unconditional love.

I can't say that everything changed the instant we knew he was gone from this earth, but I can say that I sensed something. I can't explain it. Kind of a "whoosh" feeling? Almost like I saw him Hulk smash straight to Heaven.

If there's one thing that I hope everyone took as a testament from my son, I hope he strengthened your faith. I hope that he knows that every time I think of him, I ask myself to be a better person, but more importantly a better wife and mother.

I love you, sweet boy. And I'll miss you always.

🥊💚

06/19/2023

Happy Birthday Lucius Benjamin Richard!!!! 5️⃣🎂

I can't believe you're 5. I wonder what you would want to do today.

Every year, we celebrate your birthday. It's not just another day for us. It's not a day for normalcy. We honor you today. And with this being our fifth year, we're getting pretty good at our traditions.

1. We buy a new set of Marvel Lego. Our set always includes the Hulk. We build it together, as a family. 🦸‍♂️

2. We visit your grave. We know you're not there, we know you're in Heaven. It's just so nice to sit under your tree for a couple of minutes and talk to God about you. 🌳

3. We have cookie cake. So, bud, your mom is 2 and 2 for your last 4 birthdays. I've bought 2 cookie cakes and I've made 2 cookie cakes. Your big sister wanted to make it this year, so that's what we did! And she did most of the work! 🍪

4. We celebrate with family. Now, sometimes we physically get together and have a little party. Sometimes it's a video chat. Sometimes it's a text. But the love that we feel from everyone on your birthday is amazing. One of the greatest things anyone can do for me is to recognize my son, and that's on any day of the year. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

So this year, our sweet Big Lu, we're adding something new. I don't know if it will become a yearly tradition, but I kind of hope so. Today, we're going to plant raspberries in memory of you. 🏡 It might sound a little odd that we would choose that instead of flowers, but what kid doesn't love berries?! We think you would, because your siblings do!

So that's 5 traditions we will do on your fifth birthday, my Superhero. I hope you know we didn't forget about you, and we never will. Keeping your memory alive is something I will always do and always welcome.

To anyone who knows and loves Lu, please never be afraid to bring him up to me in conversation, whether that's in person or through a message on Facebook. I might smile, I might cry, I might tell you stories about him, but I will never tell you that I don't want to talk about him. I will never be mad at you for speaking his name, or asking me a question, or telling me something that happened that made you think of him. I welcome any reminder of him. I celebrate the fact that he was here and he is my son. And I thank all of you for loving him and continuing to remember him and support me.

We've all known him for 5 years now, and I know he's changed so many of us for the better. What a little big guy. What an amazing kid that came into this world and brought us all together and helped to grow our faith in God. He has impacted so many people in so many different ways and I'm so proud to be his mother.

I love you so much, little big guy. We all do. You are a superhero, a fighter, and such a special kid. I'm not sure I can even imagine the tremendous fun your birthday is in Heaven, but I'm sure whatever you're doing, you can feel our love. Happy Birthday, my sweet boy. You are so missed and so loved.

🥊💚

*In the framed picture Lucius was 2 days old and in the second picture he was 4 days old.

06/09/2023

His last book.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Dolly Parton's Imagination Library, you get one book mailed to your house per month until your child turns 5. The last book they send you is about heading to Kindergarten. Well, Lu got his kindergarten book in the mail this past week.

This monthly mail was something we all looked forward to. It was mail for Lu, and we would sit down and read the books and hope that he was also listening in. We loved the reminders that he existed.

There will now be no more mail for Lu. It hit me as I looked at the book and read the title. Tears formed in my eyes, but they were quickly wiped away as Bippy looked at me and said "It's ok, mom, we still have all the books that were sent to him," as she pointed to a book shelf. And she's right (she's literally so wise beyond her years). We have 60 books sent to us in his name, not to mention the books we bought him (and others graciously bought for him, thank you so much 💚) and read to him when he was in the NICU. And every time we read those books, we can think of him. Honor him. Love him. Cherish him.

Read to your kids. They might not like it. They might suggest another activity. But grab a warm blanket, cuddle them up in your lap, and read. I promise you, you won't regret it. And the memories make just might be some that you (and your kids) cherish forever.

For more information on Dolly Parton's Imagination Library and to see if your specific area qualifies for free books: https://www.imaginationlibrary.com/

And if you end up signing your child up for the program because of this post, please comment below! If you didn't know about this program, I hope you are encouraged to join! 📖

🥊💚

05/14/2023

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, no matter where you are in your motherhood journey 💚

As we walked to the car from Lu's grave today, my Buckaroo said "I wish he would come back here soon." He never met his brother, but we make sure he feels connected to him, and I think he does. Not the way his big sister does, but in his own special way. I think that's part of my job as their mom, to keep the love flowing between my kids. All of them.

But how do you parent a child in Heaven from Earth? I don't know if I have the answer, but I pray a lot. I talk to God about him. I tell him I love him every day. I keep him in our family traditions. We talk about him on holidays, during family time, and at random times. He will remain a part of our daily lives. And I will continue to love and mother him as I do with Bippy and Buckaroo.

🥊💚

Also, a BIG Happy Mother's Day to my mom 💜 I adore her, and I wouldn't be the mother I am to my kids if it wasn't for her 💕 and a BIG Happy Mother's Day to my sister, who is celebrating her first Mother's Day today 💙💕 I love you both so very much!!

02/22/2023

Sometimes when I think of Lu, I grab a book that we read to him at the hospital and leaf through it. Honestly, it brings me back to his bedside; back to the sounds, smells, and sights that was Lu's world.

Today, I grabbed 100 Illustrated Bible Verses, a book I picked up in the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus gift shop in between visits with my little big guy. I would read these to Lu and try to show him the pictures, and I know they were as comforting to him as they were to me because his vitals at the time proved it.

After leafing through the book, I landed on this page. I love this verse, and I leave it here as a reminder for all of you. I hope this can comfort one of you today as I know it comforted us when Lu was on Earth, and still does.

🥊💚

11/03/2022

Today it's been 4 years since Lucius went Home to Heaven.

We miss him so much. Every day. In everything we do.

Yesterday we read "Where the Dinosaurs Roar," which is a children's book envisioning a child's day in Heaven. I break down every time we read it, especially when I see the illustration of Jesus holding a baby. I know that Jesus welcomed Lu immediately, and that image is just so beautiful to me.

We visited his grave site. My kids feel connected to him there. They talk to him. They pray for him. We read the same books Phil and I read to him in the NICU. And Bip and I sat down and read some of the letters that you all wrote to her in her book. Those letters are everything I thought they would be to our family, and such a comfort to us in times such as these.

I want to share an excerpt from my journal/book that I wrote after Lu passed away. I am feeling all of the feelings today, but I'm mostly thankful for the gift God gave us that is Lucius.

"And I'm not mad at God, I'm thankful. Thankful for the fact that I was chosen to be Lucius’s mom, and that He gave me a beautiful little boy here on earth for four and a half months that I get to love and cherish for the rest of my life. I’m thankful every time I see his picture. Every time I hear his name. Everyday of my life when I think about him, I know I am blessed to be his mother. Not everyone gets to witness a miracle, and my husband and I were chosen to be parents to them. [I include Bippy and Buckaroo as well, as they, too, are miracle babies.]

God didn’t take Lucius to hurt us. He didn’t give Lucius to us only to break our hearts. I believe in God’s plan, and unfortunately Lu wasn’t supposed to stay with us. Lucius was supposed to give us a child to love, to cherish, to fight for; and then he was to go home to Heaven to be with God and watch over preemies from Heaven...And he knew how much his mom and dad wanted him, cared for him, and fought for him, from the moment we found out he was growing in utero until his last breath. And we still fight for him. And we will forever...I think Lucius is a miracle. Even though he didn’t survive, he is a miracle."

I think this excerpt summarizes my feelings right now. I can't help but be so thankful to be Lu's mom, to know that God chose Phil and I to take care of him while he was here. He was and still is a blessing unlike any other.

And we know we will see him again someday.

I love you forever and ever, Lucius Benjamin Richard.

🥊💚

We would like to share some hope for those of you who have lost a loved one...

"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.' "

John 11:25-26

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died."

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

06/19/2022

Happy Birthday Lucius!!!!! 4️⃣ Today you are celebrating your 4th birthday in Heaven, my sweet little boy 💚

Lu's birthday is always a challenge for us. We do things that we think he would've enjoyed, we play with Marvel Lego, we have cookie cake, and we celebrate him. But we do all of this without him physically being here. It's hard.

I said it best last year:

"Every day I wonder who you would be. Every day you are on my mind. Every day I love you more. And every time your sister and brother play with Marvel toys or read Marvel books, I feel you playing with them. Every time I randomly see The Hulk, I know you want me to know you're close by. Every time I casually hear a song on the radio that I sang to you, I hear you saying you requested it just for me. Every time someone else tells me they were reminded of you or were visited by you, I'm reminded that you were and still are loved by so many people."

Today is also Father's Day, so it wouldn't be right of me to not include two of the men who were not only wonderful to Lucius, but are incredible to me, Bippy, and Buckaroo as well; my dad and my husband. Although these two amazing men differ in many ways, they also share many things in common. Both hard working, caring, sincere, thoughtful, and would do anything to take care of and for their children. I am incredibly thankful to God for both of them.

I know the party you are having will be amazing; you have so many incredible people up there with you. I'm sure Jesus has his arms wrapped around you today, and is sharing in your celebration. Please know that we miss you every day, we think of you every day, and we love you every day. Your sister and brother know you, and they know we celebrate you today. Just because you're no longer on Earth, doesn't mean you stopped being my son. I love you forever, and I hope you're having the best birthday, buddy.

Just like his previous birthdays, I'd like to ask everyone to do something nice for someone else today or in the next week. If you know another NICU parent or someone in a NICU based job, send them a little extra love. Say a prayer for the babies in the NICU and their families. Or do something extra special for you dad since today is Father's Day. I really like to focus on choosing to spend this day spreading love, happiness, and faith, as I know that's what Lucius did for us. We would love if you helped us to honor him!

Thank you, God, for the gift of Lucius. And for the awesome Fathers in my life.

🥊💚

05/08/2022

Happy Mother's Day, moms 🌺

I thank God daily for my children. Bippy, Big Lu, and Buckaroo are my everything.

Today I pray for all the moms. Those who can hug their babies, and those who can't. Those who are praying to have their own child. Those adopting. Those going through IVF or surrogacy. Those who miscarried. Those who are struggling. All of you. May God bless you.

And to my mom...my rock, my best friend, the one who is always there to help; the Lord truly blessed me with you 💕

11/03/2021

3 years. 3 years since November 3, 2018, the day our little big guy went to meet Jesus. I'm struggling with everything today. I don't know what to write and I don't know which picture of my sweet boy to put with whatever I write. All I know for certain is it's been 3 years since my little boy went to Heaven. So I'm just going to write and we'll see where I get.

That little boy. He was aware of his surroundings. He knew us. He grabbed our fingers, he looked us in the eye, and his comfort level changed when we were around. Not only did he know his parents, but he knew his sister. Our nurses (especially at Hillcrest before he got really sick) could tell you how his SATs got better whenever he heard her voice.

One thing I used to love is how his head would try to turn in my direction when he heard me. Or when he would wrap his super tiny fingers around my pointer finger. It was a strong grip for such a little big guy. And when he chose to hold onto me, I didn't move until he moved his hand.

He was aware up until the end. My favorite day was when our neo extracted all that fluid from him. He was able to move around, didn't feel restrained, was able to wean off support, and showed us who he wanted to be. But as quickly as he was, then he wasn't. That day, that Sunday, was a gift to us. A pure gift from the Lord. A miracle, some might say. Same as the night we said "see you in Heaven" to him 5 days later. 8 hours of snuggles that the Lord knew we needed.

I don't know what my message is today. Maybe it's to be aware, like Lucius. Be aware of everything, and show support and love to the people around you whenever you're able. Show them you know that they are there. In this world, we have to take care of each other. You never know what internal struggles someone is going through, and sometimes just a message saying "I'm praying for you" or "I'm thinking of you, let me know if you need anything" can change their day for the better. We all want to know we are loved.

I hope Lucius felt our love. I pray that when I was there, he knew; he knew his Momma loved him so much.

Lucius, you are a great joy in our lives, still, as you always will be. We love you and miss you more than I can put into words 🥊💚

*Picture is our little big guy holding Daddy's hand

10/15/2021

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

The first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning is that we're nearing the end of the 4.5 months of the year that I get to see memories of my Lucius pop up everywhere. My photo apps, Facebook, random memory notifications on my phone. Although sometimes those memories hurt my heart as I long for my son, most times they fill me with joy in remembering and honoring his life.

Lately, I've had a lot of internal struggles when it comes to taking family photos. No matter where or when we take them, I'm overcome with emotion as I look at them. On one hand, I'm so thankful for my family. I look at my beautiful children and I thank God for the blessings that are those two amazing kids. But then, on the other hand, my heart hurts. There is someone missing in that picture, my sweet baby boy, our Big Lu.

I started wearing my "L" necklace to represent him, and it felt better, but not for long. It's strange, because I know he's with us in our hearts, but it's just so hard to look at a photo and not see him. Even though I know it's not, it almost feels wrong to look at a photo of my family, thinking of how thankful I am, but then realizing he's not in it.

After talking about my current feelings with my husband, we decided that putting him in every picture was the goal; but carrying around a photo of your son and holding it up every time you take a family photo might get a bit difficult. After searching a bit, I found this necklace option, and decided it was perfect. Wearing his photo around my neck, close to my heart where I keep my sweet baby boy, has helped me in keeping him in the picture. Now, when we take a family picture, he will be there visually.

If you're struggling, my first recommendation is to pray. We find strength in God, who is always there for us. Second, find a remembrance solution that works for you. Whether it's a necklace, a figure that you can display in your house, a momento that was your baby's, or a gift you received or bought for your baby, I truly believe you'll find at least some comfort knowing you're constantly reminded of your little one. That's what keeps me going. I love keeping his memory alive. I love keeping him near me. He will always be a part of our family.

If you're struggling today, I'm praying for you. And I'll be lighting a candle tonight in memory of all of the little ones we've lost through miscarriage or infant loss; please join me if you'd like. Although they are with God now, we will keep them in our hearts forever.

🥊💚

Big Lu's Big Journey

06/20/2025

06/19/2024

11/04/2023

06/19/2023

06/09/2023

05/14/2023

02/22/2023

11/03/2022

06/19/2022

05/08/2022

11/03/2021

10/15/2021

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