06/16/2026
One of the quietest, heaviest thoughts many grieving parents carry is this:
"Am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong?
"That thought can attach itself to almost anything: a mistake from years ago, a time when your faith felt shaky, a prayer you missed, or a call you didn’t make.
"Why Your Brain Searches for Blame
"On the surface, it can feel like a faith question. But underneath, something in the brain is working overtime.
"Your brain’s main job is to predict and keep you safe. It constantly looks for patterns: What caused this? How do I stop it from happening again?
"When you lose a child—the most unnatural pain imaginable—the brain cannot handle the idea that it was random. Random means no control. No control means danger could come again at any time.
"So the brain searches for a reason. If the suffering is punishment, then maybe it can be prevented next time. If tragedy follows a mistake, then being “good enough” might keep you safe.
"Self-blame, as strange as it sounds, can feel like it brings back some order. We would often rather blame ourselves than live in a world where terrible things just happen with no reason...."
~Gayla Claborn, MS, LPC
(☟Read the full essay on our blog.)
https://allianceofhope.org/the-guilt-that-shows-up-when-we-lose-a-child/